Couch 209: The Kummer Couch

I was just looking at jigsaw puzzle apps for the iPad and for one of them the reviews complained about missing pieces. Missing pieces? What’s the point of digital puzzles if the pieces can go missing?

It's been a good day.

Niece's birthday party. When I arrived, she grabbed me by the hand and wanted me to play with her. I made her a pillow blanket for her birthday. Two take-aways: Four y.o.'s are adorable and little kid birthday parties are boring if you don't have a little kid.

Kittens are sacked out on the couch. They went to the vet yesterday and both have colds so they've been sleeping a lot, then playing a little, then sleeping more. Crotchety cat is sleeping on a separate section of the couch nearby. He seems secretly glad for the company, though he won't admit it by actually acknowledging their presence.

I met the ex for coffee today and laid out the basics of my conversation with both my attorney and the mediating attorney about options for next steps. We're going to head back to mediation. This is a good thing. I am trying not to count my chickens, but it was a good conversation and I'm hoping keeping to the high road pays off in the long run.

I don’t deserve my H.

LT, you totally deserve all the good things.

(I hope that means the conversation went well and he made you feel safe and cherished. Which is what you deserve.)

LT I hope the night went okay. I also hope he reassured you and made you feel good about the conversation you guys had. You do deserve your H.

Ihave been playing Magic Puzzles by Ximad or zimad or something for the past 5 years For a free app it is amazing tons of puzzles and challenges and extras if you really want to pay
The only thing i dont like is the magnetic option but i think it can be turned off

I emailed L last night with my check-in, and she responded just 2 hours ago. But the problem is that some of the things she wrote hurt more than help. For example: reminding me that she's my therapist (even though it was phrased "it's an honor...). Why was it so important for her to say that? It only adds to the pain I'm feeling because she is my therapist and is on vacation. So I wrote her again. I wonder what's going to happen. Will she respond tomorrow? When she gets back? Will it be a positive or a negative response? Will I be punished (i.e. no more contact on future vacations)? If she wasn't on vacation, I'd ask her to call because I'm struggling with sui thoughts, but she's not part of my safety plan because she's on vacation. I feel so stuck. I just want her back

Last night was a bad night for me. Nothing specifically happened but I got really triggered by H just sleeping in the same bed as I was. Since all this stuff started between us, I have asked him to sleep on the couch. For the most part he does, but since this last hospitalization he's been trying to sleep in my bed when he gets home from driving without asking if it's okay with me. I'm sure this seems like an overreaction, but I obviously can't handle even handle something as minor as this. Anyway, last night things just hit me hard to the point where I was considering going to the hospital. I didn't end up doing anything and ended up falling asleep. But it was still scary how dark things turned. I felt really alone because I didn't want to bother anyone or call my T since he's on vacation and never mentioned me calling him at our last session. I'm sure it might have been okay but I don't want to cross any boundaries.

I have had easily half a dozen nightmares or more about 2ex over the past two weeks (since getting here) and this past night was just wall to wall. Maybe because I had to deal with another narcissist yesterday.

Either he comes back in the dreams or I never got away.

awake and feeling sick. worried about all the food I have had the last 2 days

Thanks for the support and kind words. The conversation did go well (we continued it later). And then we ended up having sex, and it went fairly well. I don't think I could have done that without talking to him first. (And the beer helped a bit, but I wasn't particularly drunk.) I think it also helped that we did the Paint Nite thing together, which made me feel more connected to him.

I clearly need to talk with Dr. T about why I don't feel I deserve a husband who loves me. I know part of it is tied to my being unfaithful nearly 4 years ago (H knows), but I think it goes deeper than that, because it's kind of something I've always felt (like pre-H, too). Like I feel that I'm too screwed up and flawed to be truly loved and accepted for who I am. I know these are messages I got as a child that I'm still trying to rewrite. I mean, it's not like my parents told me that in those words, but I implied it from various things, that I had to be perfect and "good" to be loved and accepted.

Hugs, hope you're OK and feel better soon.

Being admitted to the hospital wasn’t at all helpful. I felt contained while I was there but now that I’m back home I feel even worse. I think it’s because I no longer feel hopeful that the hospital can help me get better.

I don’t know if I even want to get better.

Hugs, Chihiro.

When do you see T next? I know he has a BS stance on extra sessions, but do you think if you asked for some extra sessions right now he would be willing?

He says I can see him twice a week when I’m able to meet a condition that I’m currently unable to meet:



ETA: he just decided this last Friday.

ETA 2: I realize I didn’t actually answer your question. I see him next on Friday.

You may not be willing to even consider this right now, but there are therapists out there that don't put these kind of rigid conditions on therapy. I know there must be some kind of logical thinking behind not offering support in the form of sessions when you're obviously struggling, but I just don't get it. It sounds like he offers other outside support from what you've said. Why not more sessions?

Yeah. I might need to find a new therapist.

My therapist, on the other hand, seems to stick his fingers in his ears and go la-la-la-la whenever I bring up suicidal thoughts. I'm trying to compose a letter to him before our next session explaining how this makes me feel and that I will never bring it up again no matter how I'm feeling. Hopefully I can write this in a way that's non-confrontational.

Could you get twin beds or could you sleep on the couch?

Hugs NP. I wonder if writing the part about how it makes you feel and then asking to problem solve together about your need to talk openly *because* the way he's handling it isn't working might feel less confrontational and still set the same boundary around what you need.

Are you talking to the family again? Im gonna have to give you the Bob Newhart "stop it". Its them or you. They lived their lives. They are projecting their parents' weirdness towards them onto you. Like i told my dad when i was pretty young, the buck stops here. Which didnt exactly scan, but he is left holding the bag. I am not forcing MY kids to do anything, because i never had any, did i?

Please be safe, chihiro-chan. I am not second-guessing your t, exactly, because you are the two who are there working this through together; however, I am not sure the lack of flexibility is serving you well right now. I see you consistently working really hard, and trust your judgment about what you need to care for yourself. I wonder if all of the things that have come up for you recently might indicate a need for additional or more flexible support right now. Would your t be open if you broached it that way?

Im glad to hear from you i was just gonna ask where you were

I dreamt about 3rd ex last night, but it was more about how i would definitely leave at the first sign of weirdness, and how i would be exercising my own sense of self in the relationship, i.e., no petty jealousies, we are both keeping all our old friends. If i had any! No seriously, i do.

Eta im reading a new (to me) non-diet book, the gabriel method by jon gabriel. He talks about emotional obesity. Some of what he writes is such obvious b.s. even the ink is brown, but i like his idea of, your body is doing what it FEEEEEELS you need it to do.