I’m so attached to my T

hey, this is my first post here. I am not from an English speaking country so I am sorry if I express myself grammatically wrong.

I have met with a T since May. I felt attached to her pretty quickly. I think about her so much, I wish I was special to her. I am an adult, over 30 years, have husband and children. Still, I wish she could take care of me and that she could give me something that I miss so much, but I don't know what it is.

It's not romantic, more like I wish she were my mom. I've never felt accepted by my mom. But my T can't give me what I want, and it hurts. I've been trying to explain some of it to her, and I think she understands. But we haven't talked much about it. I'm so ashamed of this feelings.

During Christmas I struggled a lot with anxiety and difficult thoughts. I haven't contacted her, but I've been thinking about her every day. It is so hard to pretend like this is nothing to me, that I don’t miss her, but I do. If I tell her this, maybe she will think that I’m crazy? That I’m stalking her? I am not, I have a busy life with small children but I miss her so so much. But I don’t know what I miss. I am just another patient for her. It is not fair.

Does anyone understand this feelings? Will it pass? I just wish that she could take care of me. This is not the first time I’ve felt like this. It has happened before with older women that I’ve admired. I feel like there’s something wrong with me but I don’t know what it is...

I have had this with a previous T and I think about my current T everyday and imagine scenerios with her. From what I gather from anyone I have ever spoken to about this, this is completely normal. In fact my own T has written about this. I think it's in part because they don't really tell us about their lives but also because people attach to the people they are being vulnerable with.
In terms of telling her about it. I think that's up to you. I know a lot of people find it really usually, personally I feel too embarrassed and have never brought it up.

This is really common. I felt the same with all my therapists and a couple of teachers and other people. It's a natural response to the therapy relationship and it is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. A lot of therapists look for these kind of feelings because they link to childhood pain as you know. If you are able to talk about the feelings with your therapist and bring them into the room this can create space for healing to begin. It depends on the therapist and client of course and how well they work together and a lot of factors but in an ideal world this is the goal. So having a strong attachment to your therapist is not wrong, its natural and hopefully getting in touch with the longing will be helpful for you in being able to come to terms with the past.

I feel the same way towards my therapist. I think allot of therapist do understand and will help the client through this. I hope you can share with her how you feel and find help from her.

Thank You all för your answers. Has anyone gotten through this with the help of your T? I mean, how can they help? I would feel so vulnerable sharing this with her. I can share a lot of things with her but this... it just feels like I would open my heart to her and if she responds in the ”wrong” way, I would be so disapointed...

I am a native English speaker and I think a good argument could be made that I am not fluent in English. It is a really hard language with strange rules.
I am very attached to my T and he knows it and is welcoming of it. From his training it is through the attachment to him that healing happens. And, sometimes I honestly feel like he is treating me the way he would want his daughter treated if she were in my position. I am deeply thankful for that willingness of his to be nurturing and real with me. My husband jokingly calls him Dr Dad when I talk about those moments. What you are experiencing sounds very normal. I hope that you have found a therapist that can be supportive of that attachment.

Attachment to a therapist is common, and it's understandable that you see her as a mother figure especially if she is giving you something you didn't get from your real mom. If she's a good therapist, she will be understanding if you tell her about how you feel.

I just don’t understand how I’m going to get rid of this thoughts. Will it get easier if I tell her? She has worked for a long time, maybe 20 years, so it shouldn’t be the first time this has happened to one of her clients... but I don’t know what to say. How to explain it in a good way. I’ve tried to write about it but I can’t seem to explain the feeling...

Getting rid of the thoughts might not be the best way to go. Accepting that they will be with you for a time while you do this work might make it easier. Talking to her about it will give her the chance to help you with it and to know what to expect from her style of work. Even just telling her “I am feeling attached and it is uncomfortable” should be enough for a good therapist to be able to help.

I totally get it. I was very attached to my T. We had a very close relationship. I use to rgibk of our relationship as an aunt/ niece type because I had an amazing mom who died quite young(53). When people called it maternal transference I brushed it off. When seeing EMDR T she talked about maternal transference with T. Again I scoffed at the idea. Then I brought it up to T and she explained the concept. I sort of agreed. Now that I grieve mo longer working with T I realize she WAS a mother figure. It is VERY common in therapy especially when they use attachment therapy in order to foster the theraputic relationship.

Talking to your T about it won't make the thoughts or feeling go away.

If your T is a good one, then it will help take the negativity out of the feelings.

For example, your T may help you see that it's ok to be attached. Your T may help you understand why it's happening and begin to feel comfortable with the feelings so you can be comfortable with them in other relationships too.

It won't make it go away, but in my experience it can help you feel less distressed about it.

Is attachment the same as connection? I dont think so. Attachment is a desire. Where connection is more like a bond. I think of connection being two way street. Both have to give and receive. Openingly, and honestly. Attachment is a desire, want or need, is how i think of it. Look into attachment theory. Then look at the things that have to happen for a connection. Two things that get in the way of making a connection is Shame, and Vulnerability. Have to deal with those inorder to move into connection.

I have been thinking about these things in regards to my own T. I thought i had a connection with her. Its hard when it is one sided. I often mind myself angry at her for not responding to emails, not responding to texts, not having more than 50 min for me, it goes against building a connection. I've hit a wall it often feels like. Attachment, i desire it with her. But also makes me feel uncomfortable. She still cant give me everything i want. And never will be able too. I am DID. So for me connection starts with parts of myself. Once i can connect with them, i can feel better about attachment and or connection to another.

Also if you dont have DID, a connection still needs to happen with those aspects of self you have resistance to.

Just some thoughts

I am just scared to feel like an underdog if I tell her... I’m already in that position due to the nature of therapy... If I tell her how much she means to me, I probably would feel even more ashamed. I miss her so much! She’s on vacation and I haven’t seen her for three weeks.

Perhaps you could start the conversation by discussing that underdog feeling. My T is very adamant that the client has the power in therapy, even if it feels like we don't. I'm not going to argue whether it's correct or not, but your T may be able to help you make sense of that feeling and regain some feeling of power, which could help you share more.

Thank you very much everyone for your replies on my post!

I spoke with her yesterday and told her that I’m uncomfortable being so dependent on her. She was great about it, of course. She told me that it’s okey to be dependent right now and that I will learn not to be later. Learn to depend more on myself and on others around me. I feel a little bit better now, even though I’m not sure she really understood how much I think of her. I wish she wasn’t my therapist, something inside me wishes she was my mother. But I love my real mother, even though she’s not that close to her feelings and are having trouble supporting me sometimes.

Well, I guess I just have to keep on trying to accept my feelings and not judging myself...