Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Dear T,
Nervous about seeing you tomorrow. I'm sure it will be OK. But it feels like I haven't seen you in about a month, not 11 days like it actually is. So, nervous. Please turn on the warmth as best you can.

Love,
LT

It’s Sunday night, so of course I’m going through my usual weekly routine of wondering what it would be like to cancel this week. Strange, considering my anxiety over your vacation just a couple weeks ago.

Info,

Why can’t I be loved like that?

ATAT

I've decided to go back over the weekend.

I don't think I will come tomorrow. I'm just struggling with a lot of shame over the way I feel about you. I know you've never shamed me about the ET, but it's just a bit hard to deal with right now.

Start ENT class tomorrow. I was supposed to start studying two days ago, but didn't do anything.

I would like to talk to you right now. I don't know what to do and tomorrow will be too late.

I honestly can't believe this. How could you be so insensitive? WTF is going on with us at the moment?

You knew I was lying when you asked that but since I won’t tell you there’s nothing you can actually do about it.

I told you nothing but meds help my anxiety but my weighted blanket and other weighted stuff helps greatly so I’ll tell you that when I see you next week.

Maybe I shouldn’t have told you that I like to stay home and take Xanax because my anxiety is bad. I hope that doesn’t come around and get me later since you have Pdoc on speed dial.

I know you don't control my insurance company and you're doing what you can, but I still feel abandoned.
I really hope you'll have an opening left after this all gets sorted out so I can still see you this week.

I don't know how you people live with yourselves. You have the biggest scam on earth going on. Bernie Madden has nothing on you.

Dear Pastor T: I really don't know why I cried yesterday in session with you. That was embarrassing. That is all. Kit

I can't believe I am coming to the session tomorrow. Am I the biggest knobhead of all or wot, m8?

Skipped session- but your email checking up on me actually means a lot.

Having these kinds of conflicts and knowing we survive them is a unique experience for me. I'm learning I don't have to back off when there's a conflict and/or I've voiced my upset or anger - I can let it out and you will still be there thinking the same about me as you always have. I don't have to pretend that I'm okay when I'm not or go to my next session scared to say how it is for me. We deal with it together. The main factor is that I feel your love and empathy even when you're making me angry and that is a new one on me. Anger and conflict doesn't have to mean hate or violence - it can be part of loving someone in a deep and genuine way.

I'm such a **** up and I can't seem to help it! Wish you would get it through your head and stop acting like I'm intentionally being a failure at life!

So, as I told you I’ve been manic for about a week. I hope you don’t freak when you get my message. It’s been difficult controlling my emotions lately. But I’ve been managing. I don’t think anyone at home is catching on. But that is why I was acting so strangely in your office on Monday.

Remember what I said about it feeling like I was texting your secretary? Yeah. Now would be one of those times when I really need you to respond like you would in person, not like you're writing a formal business email.

Dear T,
Wish you had an opening tomorrow, but I'll just see you Thursday. Might still email you, I don't know. I'm not sure what happened, it's like something in my brain just got really triggered regarding D, and I feel horribly guilty about a thought I had and just wanted to discuss it. But it can wait. I'll be OK.
Love,
LT

OK, I emailed you. I know you likely won't even look at it till the morning, and that's OK. I think I just needed to admit that thought someplace, and I know you won't say I'm a horrible person for having it. It would still help to hear you affirm that....

Love,
LT

I'm trying this whole communicating and expressing needs in words thing instead of acting out. Gotta say, not a fan. This sucks.
I really hope you at least kind of get it now and handle it better than the last time.

Dear T,
Part of me wanted to say, in response to your inquiry, "No, I want you to reply tonight!" But I'm trying not to be needy. And I will be OK. I'll have another beer, but I will be OK. I don't want you to feel "trapped" again.
Love,
LT

Why am I like this...? I feel like I constantly ruin things. I make terrible decisions all the time. Is it an impulsivity issue? Why can't I just get my **** together? I don't want to self sabatoge but even I can see that it appears from my actions that I am doing just that...

I wonder if I got manic because of the change in season? Thanks for calling me back though even though I missed it. I don’t need to go to the hospital though. I think I have the situation under control.

You were nice and patient yesterday. You know we are starting to dig into the hard stuff and I will run down the hole often. Thank you for taking it slow.

Why can't you be going on vacation next week? Why do I have to see you for 3 more weeks before we both get a break?

I will try my best. Please don't be mad at me for staying up all night. You know I have a ton of work to do. It is not my fault.

Dear T,

I'm worried that you've shifted back to how you were before I came back in September. You seemed very clinical in your text. The last couple times I requested an extra session, you added something like "I hope you're OK." Would you have even replied to my response (to your not having time available) if I hadn't added on "I emailed"? And your email reply, while helpful in some ways, didn't feel all that personal. It didn't have the caring feeling that I've been getting from you lately.

Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned Monday that I'd noticed you tearing up a couple times in the past? Maybe you're all pulling away because of that? Or maybe vacations just do something to my relationship with you, make you more distant, make me want more connection, which in turn makes you even more distant. I can't even really explain what was off about Monday's session, for example, aside from my nervous energy.

You just seemed so warm to me in the session before you went away, both during session and in your parting words, but now I'm not feeling it. Maybe you were just tired Monday, and maybe you were a bit distracted, either by personal life or possibly stuff going on with another client when I asked for the other session (only guessing the client thing because you mentioned a couple clients needing more from you than what I asked for while you were away). Maybe it takes *you* some time to get back into therapist mode, to reconnect to your clients.

I guess I'll just see how it goes tomorrow, if it feels weird in the beginning, maybe I'll bring this up. I don't know. Hopefully you won't start by saying you were annoyed by my text--I also worry about that. I mean, not the one requesting an earlier session, I'm sure that was fine, but my texting "I emailed." But that was partly because you didn't say anything in reply. Plus this annoying, needy part of me wanted you to maybe possibly reply last night, even just one sentence. But that's not fair, and I'm expecting too much. I just wanted to feel the warmth and caring. Please give that to me tomorrow? At least a little bit?

Love,
LT

Maybe it wasn't a wasted session after all- I told you that despite previously saying that I would trust you, but I know that I don't feel it. So I hold back talking about the things that really hurt.

I know it's just negative transference, but actually feeling like I'm scared of you is an odd place to be.