(There is mention of suicideal ideation in this post)

I guess I can officially say that I have come out of my 3 month depression. Poems are being written, floors are getting mopped, books are getting read, furniture is being dusted, things are becoming more organized, etc. No more tears.

However, within this feeling better thing, I am swinging between brief period of dread and somewhat 'high' episodes. I will feel okay and then be hit by this horrific feeling of dread which includes suicidal feelings and thoughts. Then last night I had this high which included massive creativity (this was briefly following a dread period). I was working on my poetry and listening to music and was experiencing the sounds and visualization of color in an incredible way (no I wasn't on drugs).

I spoke to T yesterday to tell him about the dread and the suicideal ideation. I haven't told him about those high feelings yet. I had actually put a mouthful of Klonopin in my mouth and then spit it out. He wasn't too happy about that. I'm going to see him tomorrow.

Once again, I just ask-- what the hell is going on with me??

((((((pinksoil)))))

I hear you loud and clear......

I havent had therapy for 2 weeks and I'm struggling a bit....havent slept for days .......or nights ...... feel like a ragged cloth.....

I too go from high to low in minutes sometimes, hope someone can advise, maybe it's lack of sleep for me, but my thoughts are all over the place.....I also seem to be very goog at putting my mask on again.....dont want to go there....I have hijacked this post, so sorry.....ahem.....

jin.....crawling back under stone......

[Perna]

I instantly thought of Bing Crosby

Oh would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a fish

Pink, please be careful. I assume you'll be calling your pdoc in the morning? Hope you all can figure it out soon so you're more comfortable.

[SweetCrusader]

pink, I don't know if this is what's happening to you or not... but my T said that people often struggle with suicidal ideation when they are recovering because when they're severely depressed they may not have the energy to follow through with suicide. Then, they start feeling better enough that they have energy to do what they want...but aren't yet at the point where they feel good.

Pink,
Have you ever experienced this before when you were coming off of a depression? I know you said that you spoke to your T, but have you called your Pdoc? Just a thought. I'm worried about you! Please keep us posted. Love ya!

((((((((((((Pink)))))))))))))))

I tried calling him last week but he was away-- he'll be back tomorrow. We have an appt. on the 7th.

oh pinky...

makes my heart hurt that something might happen to you. You CAN'T let anything happen to you. You have to meet me at Caribou Cafe!

my pdoc sometimes says i have a "hypomanic response." He said it was like a psychological thing and not a psychiatric thing if that makes sense... meaning i have hypomanic "symptoms" without being hypomanic... ugh, thats more confusing.

it sounds like your mind and spirit are going through some intense times... could it be emergence from depression after such a long time, adapting to new meds, new moods...? i dunno but i am concerned. i mean, if you were safe for sure i would say ride it out for a while and see what evolves... but it doesn't sound very much like you are safe.

please take care...

[MissCharlotte]

(((((((((((((((((((((pink))))))))))))))))))))))))

Call T.
Call Pdoc.
Hug hubby
Write here
Listen to music
Eat macaroni and cheese.
Play with your birds.
Go out and buy something else to take care of like a plant that flowers?
Paint something
Write more poetry

Repeat

Stay SAFE. I need you. We need you.

stay safe