Is Swinging mentally harmful?

I have been with my husband for 4 yrs. When we first started dating he would talk about different sexual experience during the heat of the moment. I thought this was just something that was a turn on to him because that was the only time we discussed it. After awhile he would ask me if I ever thought about being w/ another woman. When I told him yes as in a fantasy he kept pursuing the idea. We finally ended up going to a swingers bar and I had a great time. We have been two times all together. Well we haven't been in awhile and I am not sure how I feel about it anymore. He has been wanting to go and says he wants us to be able to be care free like we use to be. The thing is I am not the person I use to be. I am on my meds and going to counseling and I am a totally diff person than I use to be. The thing is I don't know how I feel about it anymore. I wonder if this would be mentally harmful to me or am I just over reacting? Anybody have ant ideas on this? And yes I know this is not right in the eyes of God, that is another thing kinda bothering me.

Swinging is not a lifestyle meant for everyone. Regardless of what other people think of it or how it is religiously looked at, I believe each person is either a swinger or not. Some people do have the capacity to be able to separate themselves enough not to fall for the person they are swinging with.

If you are having difficulties with it, discuss this with your hubby. If you aren't true to your feelings then it will start to really affect you in many ways, not just one.

Personally I see nothing wrong with swinging. I know many people who are swingers, can handle the lifestyle, and who are comfortable with it. Although I have no problems with it, I couldn't personally do it myself. I get too attached just after having sex with someone. I always want a commitment, which means not having sex or feelings for anyone else. So no, not the lifestyle for me.

Hello.... I have been married for 20 years and I can say without a doubt that Swinging is and will cause harm to your marriage.... Sex was created in such a way that it bonds a person to whom ever it is that they are seeing while being sexual.... so if you are with another man or woman and your husband is being with another woman (than you) then the two of are going to emotionally connect to the person that holds the eyes to the body they are receiving gratification from.

I vote NO to the swinging....

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
I am sending an article to YOU via PM on SEX GLUE.... as to not offend any one on here, for it contains straight talk and language on sex & the release of.

I do not know if swinging is mentally harmful... But imho, why be married if one wants to swing with other partners? Marriage is a commitment to each other... and it doesn't mean "sharing" our partners in bed with other folks..........Marriage has no meaning, in my opinion, if they are openly sleeping with other people....... I am not judging.....

I know for myself, if I were married I would not want my husband in bed with another woman....... Nor would I want to be with another man......Swinging just takes the whole meaning out of marriage........ But each to their own....

I don't believe there is a blanket answer that applies to everyone. It would obviously be harmful to Rhapsody from what she's said, but I know several people who have strong marriages despite swinging. So I don't think it's a 'yes' or 'no' kind of question. If you're not comfortable with it, then I'd say that the chances are high that it would be harmful to your marriage.

Like others have stated, I think it is an incredibly personal thing. And much like regular sex within the confines of a relationship, sometimes you want to, and sometimes you just aren't in the mood. When we are young, sometimes we like things a bit racier. Or maybe we start of time, and get racier as we get older. lol. I think that minds can change, and your perception of the world around you can change. If you have any doubts at ALL as to wether you should, wait a while. Obviously some part of it is bothering you and really, because it is such a sensitive situation i think if there is any doubt at all it should be avoided until you feel sure. You can always change your mind in the future but you can't change what has already happened right?

As to wether or not it is inherently wrong or bad - I dont think it is either. As stated, I think it is something that only some people should engage in, and it is not for everyone. I think it can be a special experience for a couple to share sexuality with another, but I also think it is just as special to share that only with each other.

The point of this whole thing is that you need to be sure. I say explain to your husband the misgivings you are having, and maybe try to explain if you can what has changed for you so that he can understand.

I wish you luck though in whatever you choose to go with

the first thought that came to my mind was the physical harm. not the mental harm. i'd be scared that someone would not be truthful about their sexual health and especially if the partners are coming from groups at bars, etc. stds can really harm your physical health and some can cause you, the woman, to become sterile.

for the mental part....hmmmmmmmmm. i don't think i know anyone who swings, but i wouldn't judge it. i really couldn't do it because to me sex is also about love and respect.

it does sound as if it is bothering you enough to have a good sitdown talk with your husband and also with a T. you're having some doubts about it and no one should ever do anything that they feel uneasy about doing. i wish you luck in this....xoxoxo pat

IMO, you have your answer in your next to last sentence. If you believe that, then your conscience would bother you and...

I believe like several here, that it's an individual thing. Some people can handle swinging, some people can't. I have friends who are swingers who are quite happy. It wouldn't be for me, though.

If you have any doubts, for any reason, then it isn't right for you. And there are most definite health risks. It's unfair of your husband to pressure you. I can't tell you what to do, but I recommend you not do anything you don't want to do, especially just to please your husband. You would only end up hurting yourself.

I don't want to hurt you, but I'm concerned about the risks your husband might put you in. Even if you don't swing, he may choose to have sex outside your marriage, anyway, and that could bring diseases into your home. I'm not saying he'd do that, but his pressuring you makes me distrustful of him. I just want to tell you to watch for any signs, because you have to protect yourself.

The thing is I don't know how I feel about it anymore. I wonder if this would be mentally harmful to me or am I just over reacting?

Leaving everything else aside, I think you've answered your "need" for now in this sentence. When in doubt, don't until it's clearer...is what I try to live by. Sure, there are decisions that we HAVE to make and still in doubt, but there are some that can wait too...

good luck.

KD

KD

You have to define your own values and find your own happiness. Once you know what they are, violating them will cause emotional distress. So, to answer your question . . . swinging will be mentally harmful if it violates your values and interferes with you obtaining true, long-lasting happiness.

I think the very fact that it makes you uncomfortable means you shouldn't lower your standards to do this. You did mention God and if He is a factor in your life, why would you deliberately violate his commandment? We all fight what we know to be right from time to time. What answer do you want, something to coddle you into thinking you won't suffer emotionally or what I believe to be the truth.. it will eat you up inside, if not also with STDs or AIDS. IMO.

TC do the right thing for you...

_Sky - she didn't imply that she was looking for coddling. It was brave of her to post the question in the first place. Thanks,
LMo

What answer do you want, something to coddle you into thinking you won't suffer emotionally or what I believe to be the truth.. it will eat you up inside, if not also with STDs or AIDS. IMO.

I waited b4 I responded to your comment because I have a tendacy to fly off the handle sometimes. (I wanted to ponder your response) I have just joined this group and from my understanding we should be able to talk about what is bothering us. I have come to the conclusion that you must have been having a bad evening because I don't think you would intentionally post something that would be so harsh and might make someone feel like that couldn't speak openly here. There is a way of stating your opinion with out maybe offending someone.
Hope you have a good day!

(((((((((((((SKY)))))))))))))

I think swinging is harmful to some and not to others. Only you can determine that. Some women are pressured by their SO's to engage in this activity. It becomes more of a performance than something enjoyable. If that's the case, well...doesn't sound too healthy to me.

But if it's something you WANT to do, and you feel comfortable with how you will feel the next day - then, heck - it's a free world. Just make sure you are going to feel ok later. Later never goes away, ya know? I would hate for you to live with an avoidable regret.

Do it only if it feels like a healthy, enjoyable activity which is for YOU, not for him. Take care of you.

emmy

It's not something I would encourage or do, mainly because if sex is used as a recreational thing it takes away the real meaning of love and respect and trust. I have watched some documentaries on this and generally the people who do participate end up feeling insecure in a lot of respects.

Nah, I dont think its a good thing to do in a relationship mate.

Psych Central is a place to come and talk, freely, about what is bothering us.

I am sorry that you received a post that caused not just you to be uncomfortable. I hope that you take something from the other answers and then make your own decision concerning your issues. You can post here any time and we'll listen and respond. xoxox pat

Thank you Pat!

(((((((((pat))))))))))))

I don't think it hurts everyone, but for me, I wouldn't have the guts to try it even if it were offered to me on a silver platter by my wife. Somehow the risk in hurting the one I love could never be worth the pleasure.

I look at my vows and think "Well, they have got to stand for something . . ." So, I guess so tantalizing a fantasy will stay just that: a fantasy. The whole love and cherish part doesn't sound right with the word "swing."

I don't know. I'll have to think on this. I'm fairly certain that if I were asked by wife to do this, I would fight my biological urges (kicking and screaming) and decline.

Thanks for all the feed back. I like to have other pples point of view so I can loo at the whole picture. I am still pondering over this but atleast I have other ways of looking at it. I also haven't talked to my T about this. I know I should. We will see.
Thanks everyone.

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jennie said:
You have to define your own values and find your own happiness. Once you know what they are, violating them will cause emotional distress. So, to answer your question . . . swinging will be mentally harmful if it violates your values and interferes with you obtaining true, long-lasting happiness.

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What if my values and enjoying it are differant? I don't know if I am in doubt because it's socially wrong or because I think it's wrong. Thats one thing I can't figure out. Just because I enjoyed it doesn't make it right. Right? Would that make it one of my values if I liked it, or the society part of it? Do you understand what I am talking about? I guess what I mean is am I under conviction because society says it's wrong or is it crossing over one of my bounderies?

I think that is a question only you can answer on that one. I know my ex wanted us to be into that and yes I did try it to please him. I felt so guilty and just could not do it. I felt like I was not good enough for him. My morals ended up ruling on this one for me.

Hi Student,

Personally I see swinging as potentially a social good, with the complications that increased socialization always bring. Societal mores are often archaic and quite harmful to peaceful society and are often best replaced with improved values for one's mental health. That said, there are real concerns with disease however over blown by those with an agenda to suppress and dictate normal human sexual desires, so adequate medical related precautions are in order. You might want to look to whether your "values" are based on rational ideas or have been drilled into you irrationally. Insecurity and jealousy are often irrational fears that most find uncomfortable and are able to grow beyond, pushing or feeling pushed beyond what you are comfortable with is risky whether beating agoraphobia or more advanced socialization. I would want to take any program of risking growth at my own speed so that I could feel more comfortable with myself and the world while avoiding set backs that might reverse my progress against my social anxiety.
I tend to believe staying within the sexual bill of rights at this site is probably a good idea. http://www.americanhumanist.org/abou...al-rights.html

~Down

Thank you Down, I am going to read over that.

Of course some things I'm just not going to risk, idk if swinging will ever be one I will. A steady one on one relationship might be in order first or maybe the other first idk how I will break out of my social isolation.