[chihirochild]

I'm having a hard time right now and have asked my therapist to be more reassuring and comforting in session, rather than making interpretations and challenging me and pushing for growth. Trouble is, he's not totally sure what I mean by that and I guess I'm not totally sure either.

So, beloved PC peeps, what does your therapist do that you find comforting?

[ElectricManatee]

Eye contact, smiling, gently stopping me from beating myself up, the "mmhmm" noise and various other therapisty noises, mirroring my body language, occasional hugs. It's all textbook stuff, but it still works most of the time.

[unaluna]

Did we talk about the Emotional Neglect book? Im not sure if thats the same one that 20 people on the couch yelled at me and said they buried it in their backyard, it was so horrible. It listed like 20 things normal emotional things that should have happened. One book also suggested the backwards hug, which some people found triggering as it reminded them of being restrained. But as someone who really was not held enough, a backward hug - my back against ts chest, ts arms around me, no questionable parts touching, no breathing on each other, etc! - well it filled a need for me. It happened once or twice.

[stopdog]

The woman would stay back when I told her (although I kept having to tell her - she idiotically would say she thought it had changed when I would remind she had promised to do so).
In all honesty - I doubt there would have been anything a therapist could do that I would have found comforting. I preferred they just not try.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Did we talk about the Emotional Neglect book? Im not sure if thats the same one that 20 people on the couch yelled at me and said they buried it in their backyard, it was so horrible. It listed like 20 things normal emotional things that should have happened. One book also suggested the backwards hug, which some people found triggering as it reminded them of being restrained. But as someone who really was not held enough, a backward hug - my back against ts chest, ts arms around me, no questionable parts touching, no breathing on each other, etc! - well it filled a need for me. It happened once or twice.

Are you talking about Running on Empty by Jonice Webb? I have read that and the backwards hug doesn't sound familiar to me, so you might be thinking of another book...

[Omers]

T has held my hand and given hugs
He reminds me to breathe by asking me to breathe with him
He will gently say “tell me what you are needing from me right now”
He has offered a blanket to wrap up in, stuffed animal to hug or other comfort object
He has a few facial expressions he knows are very comforting to me
He will move closer if I ask him to and let’s me move closer to him
Occasionally a well timed reflection but only if he is 100% sure he is on target (I know you are feeling scared)
He will back off and talk about something that isn’t emotionally loaded
He has asked if he needs to stop if he is talking about something upsetting
He has shared a song

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm struggling with how to answer this. Especially because the more I've thought about comfort vs. support vs. validation, I feel like comfort was one of the main things I got from ex-MC. Where current T is more likely to give me support and/or validation. And I've also realized that the comfort from ex-MC was more fleeting, where I had to keep going back for more and more.


But, to answer your comfort question, ex-MC was really good with shifting into what I called his "super-caring voice." Where it was just quiet and, well, caring. He called it "holding with the voice." He'd tell me "It's OK" in the voice when I was upset about various things, and it comforted me. He was able to do that over the phone, too. There was just a way he looked at me that gave me comfort. And he did this thing that he called "hugging from across the room," where he'd shift to the front of his seat and lean forward. (The problem is, once he demonstrated it and said how he does it, it was like learning a magic trick. I'd think, "Ah, now he's trying the hugging from across the room thing.") And he'd outwardly say, "I care about you." But he was someone who just sort of exuded warmth. Maybe much of it was an act, I don't know. (Dr. T, who used to work with ex-MC, said at one point that he'd almost seem *too* happy to see you. Also that ex-MC is "squishy.")

With Dr. T, like I said, I'm not sure "comfort" is the right word. More support and caring. (As he's said, "I'm caring, but I'm not warm and fuzzy.") But some of it is in how he looks at me. It's his saying that he's sorry I'm struggling with something so much and sounding genuine (like right now with D being home 24/7 due to schools being closed). I've seen him wipe away a tear a few times (I think once today)--which I actually never saw ex-MC do. And there are just little things in how we interact that are difficult to explain. His handshakes at the end (pre-Covid, of course). Times when he remembers to say "Take care."


I will say, as you likely know from my postings on here, he's someone who wasn't the type to give many of those things in the beginning. I've had to sort of teach him what I need, what works for me, give lots of feedback. It led to some conflicts (and me leaving for a bit). But he seems to have shifted to be more willing to give me what I want and need, without straying too far from his original boundaries. It took him time to understand some things, like what having a transitional object meant to me, how it helps. To get to know me better and understand some dynamics of my past relationships and what has helped and not helped (both with him and other relationships).


I know you said in another post about this that if you give him some script and he reads it back to you, it might not seem to have meaning. But he might initially need that script to understand what you want/need, then once he gets that, he can go off on his own more. His idea of comfort might be saying, "There there, Chihiro, it will be ok," and he probably figures that won't be helpful (I know it wouldn't help me!). But if your definition of comfort is different, then it could help to share that. And maybe you have to try a few things before you find what helps, like you might think it's thing x you want, he tries that, then you're like, "Yeah, no, that didn't help." Then try thing y. It's likely something you'll have to work through together.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Are you talking about Running on Empty by Jonice Webb? I have read that and the backwards hug doesn't sound familiar to me, so you might be thinking of another book...

Might be the emotionally absent mother by jasmin lee cori. The books are mixed together in my mind.

[ArtieTheSequal]

She saw ME. Meaning she saw through the pretend-me that the rest of the world sees and saw me. And didn't run the other direction, ever. Overall I felt more acceptance from her than anyone else in my life and that was very comforting. Sure, there were times when our relationship went sideways but overall... overall, her seeing me for my real self and still accepting it all was the biggest comfort ever.


i miss therapy a lot sometimes. like right now.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Our hugs. Holding her hands. Her voice. Being understood. Being able to cry in front of her. Being vulnerable with her. Her telling me she loves me and that I matter to her. Her knowing me, the real me. Doing positive activities with me. Her transitional objects. Letting me keep something in her office. Playing games with me. Letting me get to know her. Her facial expressions. Emails. Saying she's proud of me.

So many many ways.

[Lrad123]

I’d say that I don’t perceive my T as warm and fuzzy, but he can definitely be caring. The times when I’ve felt comforted are hard to describe though and probably don’t translate well in writing because they’re more about the experience in person. He certainly has a calm , kind voice and a look that is hard to describe but that feels kind of intense and makes me feel a bit awkward but also like he sees me. He is also the most consistent, reliable person I think I’ve ever met which probably doesn’t sound like much, but for sure has felt comforting to me.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I actually tend to cringe away from people who try to be comforting. I need the space to work that out for myself. I suppose the fact that they recognized that about me and didn't try to be all warm and fuzzy was in itself comforting.

What WAS comforting to me was having someone who could help me see things clearly and get out my my emotional headspace which was probably haywire at the time. My intellect serves me well, and therapists who could tap into that cognitive space and help me reason things out were doing the work of helping me find some balance.

[Rive.]

It may an odd thing to say but I don't (cannot?) feel comfort in therapy. That is probably the one thing I would most like from T. I can feel support, I can feel validation... but comfort? Nope. Hasn't happened.

I don't know if it is because T doesn't really give out much (though I have told them several times).. OR I may simply be dead inside.

[Salmon77]

Thinking of one time when I was having a medical issue that brought up some pretty bad feelings about myself—the way my T comforts me tends to involve challenging the negative thoughts/feelings etc. and looking at where those come from, whether or not they really reflect the current situation or whether they have more to do with the past. Sometimes that does help. But I guess my T doesn't exactly "comfort" me very often.

[Mountaindewed]

My T validates my feelings. She doesn’t judge. I can tell her stuff I can’t tell anyone else. She’ll sometimes give me this intense look. She has said before that she’s “worried about me” or that she “feels for me.” Maybe she’s like this with all her clients. Or maybe she looks at notes before, But she remembers specific little things. Like what TV shows I watch and the type of soda I drink and other little things like that. She even mentioned the chair I sit in and I found it impressive that she remembered where I sit during sessions.

She was doing this blank slate thing for awhile and not showing much emotion but she opened up a lot and I’d say she’s pretty warm and fuzzy now.

[nottrustin]

This may sound strange but one of the ways she us very comforting is in how she handles my grief over the loss of T. She knows that T and I had a unique relationship for 10 years and that T and there was a maternal relationship. I use to worry about talking about T too much and voiced it a couple of times. She was very comforting and told me T was always allowed in the room whether it were to discuss my grief, work that T and I had done or things we found helpful. She would always honor and respect the work we had accomplished. Emdr T will never be T (she has voiced that) and I am not sure she will ever be the perfect T for me but just knowing her stance on T has been very comforting.

[Omers]

T sent me a hand written note this week. Nothing elaborate, just reminding me to take care of myself (he knows in times like these I can burn myself out caring for others).
Now I can’t stop crying.

[Rive.]

Can I borrow your T?

[Lemoncake]

Yes! Not going to lie I'm also impressed by your T omers.

[LostOnTheTrail]

What a great gesture. In the past, R has written post-it notes for me, with words and phrases I have requested.
In December, she gave me a typed sheet with three things to remember about our relationship, that I now have beside me during our teletherapy sessions, and when I am journalling.