Couch 214: The chihiro couch

LonesomeTonight · May 12, 2020, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I had a Skype call with my mother over the weekend. I told her I wasn't a huge fan of Skype but she really wanted to Skype so I relented and we did. We usually just text and before Covid it was not all that often, mainly because I feel like I need some distance. Not that I've told her that, but it's a topic in therapy. At the end of our Skype, she asked me if we could do this again, I said okay and she suggested doing it every 6 months. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. On the one hand, she's not pushing me, but on the other hand, 6 months? I guess I felt a little hurt by that. When I told my therapist about this exchange, he started asking me for details about what exactly was said and exactly how it was said. I'm pretty sure he thinks that I'm reading into this that she doesn't want to talk to me and that's probably not what her intention was depending on how she said it. I don't know. It just felt like he doesn't trust my perspective on conversations now because I got triggered by what he said to me on Friday. I admit, I sometimes read too much into what people say and in a way that reinforces how I feel about myself. That's a really tough thing to fix, or at least I've had trouble with it. I just don't want to get into a pattern where we have to analyze every single conversation to figure out how I read it wrong. It's possible that sometimes I'm reading it exactly correctly. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm just being too sensitive about this. I'm going to bring it up next time we meet.

This is something I struggle with as well. And something that's led to conflicts with my T, and with other people. I'm someone who used to tend to overanalyze so many conversations, even if it was just lunch with a friend or a brief text exchange. I've gotten somewhat better with it through therapy, but it's a long process.

I think it seems like a good thing to bring up with your T. As for your mom, could she maybe sense you don't like doing Skype, so she's trying not to put too much pressure on you to do that often?

LonesomeTonight · May 12, 2020, 01:44 PM

Also, in nice things Dr. T has said to me, at the end of session, he said he wished he had some magic dust that he could sprinkle on me to make all of this less stressful for me. I said maybe he could look for that in the next few days before next session. He said I wouldn't necessarily be the first he'd use it on (I imagine he meant himself and/or wife and son). I said, "I understand, but try to get a big box of it. Buy it in bulk, like at Costco." He said OK.

stopdog · May 12, 2020, 01:59 PM

It is funny how differently people react to those people. I would find the part about magic dust both condescending and horrifying. Like a therapist would think I would let them get near me with something they wanted to sprinkle on me to change me. It actually gives me a small panic response just reading about it. (I am not criticizing you - just musing over different reactions to those people)

LonesomeTonight · May 12, 2020, 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

It is funny how differently people react to those people. I would find the part about magic dust both condescending and horrifying. Like a therapist would think I would let them get near me with something they wanted to sprinkle on me to change me. It actually gives me a small panic response just reading about it. (I am not criticizing you - just musing over different reactions to those people)

Oh, I figured that would horrify you. (They need a "horrified" option along with the hug and thanks buttons.) And sorry for the panic response! My T knew his audience--I'd hope your former T's would have known better than to say something like that to you, but perhaps not...

stopdog · May 12, 2020, 02:07 PM

The panic response is not your fault - just a reaction to the idea of someone doing that sort of thing to me. And no - neither of the two women knew not to say that sort of thing to me. They were clueless idiots.

SlumberKitty · May 12, 2020, 02:07 PM

My Regular T frequently says she wishes she had a magic wand for me and when we end she usually says something like she is sending me out in the world with all the good wishes and blessings. I think it's sweet.

SlumberKitty · May 12, 2020, 02:07 PM

Then again, I think regular T is a grown up Alice in Wonderland.

unaluna · May 12, 2020, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

As for your mom, could she maybe sense you don't like doing Skype, so she's trying not to put too much pressure on you to do that often?

(By saying every six months). I could see my mother doing this. I would want to keep something "open", but she would want to put me in a box. Six months would just be a very large box, satisfying HER, but completely negating my wish to be OPEN. If she would just not say anything, OPEN could mean once a month - but she would rather CONTROL THE BOX than have the actual, free, loving contact.

LonesomeTonight · May 12, 2020, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

(By saying every six months). I could see my mother doing this. I would want to keep something "open", but she would want to put me in a box. Six months would just be a very large box, satisfying HER, but completely negating my wish to be OPEN. If she would just not say anything, OPEN could mean once a month - but she would rather CONTROL THE BOX than have the actual, free, loving contact.

Hm, I can see that, the wanting control. As I could see my mother doing that.

I actually read Dr. T part of the text my mom sent on Mother's Day when we were setting up a Facetime session (session? call? I feel like I call everything a "session" anymore...). Where she said how she was so sad that this is the first Mother's Day "EVER" that she wouldn't see me in person. Adding "Under the circumstances, you get a pass this year." Maybe an attempt at humor, but still...

NP_Complete · May 12, 2020, 02:35 PM

The relationship with my mom is complicated, but aren't they all? I do agree that she was trying to not pressure me into doing something I may not necessarily want to do, but that hasn't stopped her before. She keeps asking to come for a visit, for example, when I've told her multiple times not yet. I would have been okay with something more frequent, like every other month, so when she came up with 6 months it felt kind of hurtful. She also doesn't ask me any questions. For example, she asked if I was getting a divorce. I hadn't spoken to her about it yet, although apparently at some point I had told her I was thinking of finding a lawyer. I told her that I was in the process, but she didn't ask for any details. She just said "good" or something like that. I think my therapist finds it some sort of interesting that she didn't ask me anything about it. She also didn't inquire about my ex getting out of prison soon even though I leave the door wide open for her to talk about him because I bring him up casually when talking about the past. I know I'm kind of shut down with her since all this happened and I don't want her to know some of the details of the abuse because I think it would upset her, but she also hasn't made the greatest effort to make sure I'm okay. I think my therapist tries not to take too firm a stance on it, but he has said some things about how my parents haven't been supportive of me in the way that I needed them to be.

chihirochild · May 12, 2020, 03:14 PM

Session actually went well--I think that T and I are finally through the God-awful rupture we've been having for the last... jeez, two months?

Now I feel sort of bereft, though, and sad that we won't talk until Friday.

I wish there was a way to feel OK about therapy--seems I'm either furious with my T or hungry for more contact.

LonesomeTonight · May 12, 2020, 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chihirochild

Session actually went well--I think that T and I are finally through the God-awful rupture we've been having for the last... jeez, two months?

Now I feel sort of bereft, though, and sad that we won't talk until Friday.

I wish there was a way to feel OK about therapy--seems I'm either furious with my T or hungry for more contact.

Glad it went well and that you seem to be through the rupture.

I understand the bereft feelings, too. My T is like a refuge in all of this, and I also don't see him again til Friday (we're on a slightly different pandemic schedule this week because he's off tomorrow--I know it's for his 50th birthday, but I'm not telling him I know that). One of my close friends who I typically confide in is also inaccessible right now for an undetermined period of time (don't want to go into details here), so it's especially hard, like I have one less support person.

SlumberKitty · May 12, 2020, 03:48 PM

At our board meeting this morning, the general manager said he thought we would be wearing masks for COVID until at least the end of the year. Our county has said they are optional but he is saying he can't see our company policy changing on the masks any time soon, unless they get a vaccine out. If it depends on the vaccine it might even be longer. I don't really mind wearing the masks, but I feel bad for the manufacturing staff because it gets hot in the warehouse/machining area.

atisketatasket · May 12, 2020, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

The panic response is not your fault - just a reaction to the idea of someone doing that sort of thing to me. And no - neither of the two women knew not to say that sort of thing to me. They were clueless idiots.

I have been lucky and only one person has tried magic wand/dust on me as an adult, an early grad school teacher. I liked it at the time because it was just after my father’s death and I wanted to know someone cared (it did not feel like my mother did) but in retrospect the woman who said it was n-u-t-s (it was part of this cycle she had of “adopting” a new student and then a few months later shunning them) and it would now ring alarm bells for me.

LonesomeTonight · May 12, 2020, 04:33 PM

Re: Magic Dust: I get the sense that Dr. T just sort of feels unsure at times how he can help me right now. I tell him that providing support and empathy and listening to me vent is really what I need, that I don't expect him to fix everything. So I think this is him just saying he wished he could do more for me, as I'm in a challenging situation with D in particular. As he put it, "we're all in a sh***y situation right now."

susannahsays · May 12, 2020, 04:54 PM

I think it's ******** that the nutritional requirements for dogs and cats are not freely available. You have to pay for them - and it's expensive. They are published every year in the AAFCO (Association of American Feed Control Officials) Official Publication. Since I am not an animal feed control officer and am therefore not a member of the organization, this publication would cost $150.

And I think it's messed up that pet food has labeling that seems designed to keep pet owners in the dark about how much of which vitamins and minerals are in the food. I think the labeling should be like human food and I think the nutritional requirements should be available publically just like human nutritional requirements. It shouldn't be some sort of protected industry secret sold by the AAFCO.

susannahsays · May 12, 2020, 04:58 PM

Also, I informed the therapist that I will be terminating therapy. I'm not upset about it.

Quietmind 2 · May 12, 2020, 05:31 PM

Sky high anxiety as I contemplate never returning to the family home, and don't know how to untangle my phone plan (which is under mum's corporate plan and in her name), redirect mail etc.

LonesomeTonight · May 12, 2020, 05:35 PM

Hugs, QM...Could you temporarily get a disposable cell phone maybe?

chihirochild · May 12, 2020, 06:03 PM

Aaaaah my interview for the psychoanalytic fellowship thing I'm applying for has just been scheduled for a week from Saturday! I'm so excita-nervous!

Quietmind 2 · May 12, 2020, 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Hugs, QM...Could you temporarily get a disposable cell phone maybe?

Hugs LT. It's not the physical phone that is the issue, but the phone plan. We're still on lockdown here. I'll call the telco and ask. I want to keep my number if possible because I don't want to cut all ties with my family.

susannahsays · May 12, 2020, 06:58 PM

It might be different in your country, QM, but when I previously transferred a number out from a parent's plan to my own plan, it didn't require any involvement from them or their permission.

susannahsays · May 12, 2020, 07:07 PM

I need help. Math and numbers are not my strong suit. I found an outdated AAFCO summary of dog nutritional requirements, but I'm not sure I'm conceptualizing the percentages correctly.

Here is a screenshot of the relevant table. I am reading the table like this, for example: it says 45 grams of protein per 1000 kcal ME for maintenance. I interpret that as protein should make up 18% of the total calories, since protein is 4 calories per gram ((4×45) ÷ 1000 = 0.18). That seems kind of low, though. Am I missing something?

Screenshot_20200512-200006_Adobe Acrobat.jpg

ETA - The screenshot is all blurry when I first click on it, but then when I hit back, it becomes visible for some reason.

chihirochild · May 12, 2020, 07:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I need help. Math and numbers are not my strong suit. I found an outdated AAFCO summary of dog nutritional requirements, but I'm not sure I'm conceptualizing the percentages correctly.

Here is a screenshot of the relevant table. I am reading the table like this, for example: it says 45 grams of protein per 1000 kcal ME for maintenance. I interpret that as protein should make up 18% of the total calories, since protein is 4 calories per gram ((4×45) ÷ 1000 = 0.18). That seems kind of low, though. Am I missing something?

Attachment 10993

ETA - The screenshot is all blurry when I first click on it, but then when I hit back, it becomes visible for some reason.

I think your math checks out! And this website supports your calculations