Couch 214: The chihiro couch

I'm realizing that something else I'm missing is singing along to songs while driving. Because I don't really drive anymore. So right now (since realizing that) I'm just singing along badly in my house and hoping D and H won't say anything (well, D did ask me what one song was, but she seemed curious, not horrified). Maybe I need to just go sit in my car and play music and sing. I mean, I'm trying to desensitize myself to being outside/in public anyway, and being in my car is one way of doing that (plan developed with T regarding my recent fear of being outside/around people).

Thanks, chihirochild.

I hope you're right!

Honestly right now, sure I woke up in the middle of the night from a panic attack, and I'm living in my friend's living room. but it's a relief to not be oppressively monitored anymore. Plus she has 3 cats and one of them likes to investigate me and rub her body and head wherever I've been because I took over half the living room lol. I sleep on a foldable bed and its way less comfortable than my own bed but I feel safer, and my friend doesn't care what I do as long as I'm relatively tidy. She doesn't even sweep the flat much (definitely unacceptable in my household) but who cares lol. She told me not to worry when I volunteered to do chores since she took me in.

Hugs, QM. Animals can often tell when you're struggling, so that cat is probably trying to support you. I'm glad you had a friend's place that you could go to.

This separation is causing all kinds of feelings for me and I feel like it's one big internal tug of war. One minute I feel like it's the right decision, the next I'm questioning if I'm overreacting. My 5 year old cried for H last night and made me feel like a horrible parent for taking her dad away from her in a time like this.
I feel like T1 mostly expects me to keep making plans for each week, and we don't talk about how this is really affecting me. Maybe that is supposed to be helpful to have a to do thing, like this week I was supposed to talk to my case worker about the in home therapy for me. But it doesn't help when I'm beating myself up over this and all the other feelings...feeling like this is a major loss of a relationship, my identity, my dream of having an intact family.

Why don't you just go for a drive? Just get on the highway and drive out for an hour or so and turn around and come home?

For some bizarre reason, now things are slowly starting to open up, I feel like I blew the pandemic. Didn’t use the time at home wisely enough.

Also I feel again like I did in late February, when I think most people had a sense something big and likely unpleasant was coming.

That thing where you use the time at home to become a better person or whatever seems emphatically optional to me. You're living through a pandemic. You get a gold star for sleeping, eating, and maybe occasionally showering. Anything else is extra credit. And we all know how you feel about excessive extra credit...

Hugs hugs hugs

Update:
@susannahsays , @LonesomeTonight
I basically have to get a new number and plan. They won't detach my line without written and signed authorisation of my Mum...and we both need to go down together to a branch with our national id...

I'm getting my own cheap plan with another telco.

Oh, that sucks.

H has suggested that, too. Lately, driving is making me anxious (really, anything outside the house, almost an agoraphobia kinda thing), and I'm working with T to build up to being able to do that again, an exposure therapy thing. Like the past couple days, I've just gone and sat in the car, turned it on, and sat there for 2, then 5 minutes. Up next will be backing it out, driving a block or two in my development, then parking again.

Hugs, SheHulk. It makes sense that you're having mixed emotions. But it's ultimately your H's actions that have led to this. You're being a good parent. I'd talk to T1 about all this--maybe you need a different approach right now if the "do something each week" isn't helping you.

Another early morning walk

OMG y'all we can watch the Broadway version of CATS on Friday!!!

Maybe it can cleanse the movie version from the palates of those who were unlucky enough to witness it?

Monday I was halfway crisis-y. Yesterday I was very anxious. Today I am depressed. What is going on with me? This is not good. After weeks of being pretty stable (a day or two here or there) but now three days in a row?!!! Please do not let this be a sign of a downturn!!!! I'm at work so I am trying to think of some ways I can make myself feel better. I put my sweatshirt on even though it's pretty nice inside the building but being "wrapped up" always seems to help. I got myself and my coworker a Starbucks this morning so that's kind of a treat.

Hugs, Kit...

Y’all just want me to shut up about it, right?

There used to be some fairly terrible sit-com where the next door neighbor or a friend was a dancer in Cats. I think a running joke was how long she had been playing in that one show.

Nah -- the badness of it all is an endless source of entertainment!

Was it Caroline in the City maybe? (No idea how I pulled that...)

Not a fan. Perhaps my least favorite show ever.

H came over unexpectedly this morning, and I'm finding myself already annoyed. He came in and saved the day when my son was upset. I don't know why I'm annoyed by this. Probably because I felt like I had a handle on it and he comes in for 2 seconds and my son stops. And he texted me that my daughter was telling him that she wants him to come back home so we can be a family again. Like I don't feel guilty enough about that.

HUGS @SheHulk07

My wrist and arm is bothering me right now. It might be a hallucination or delusion--not sure which--or it might be real. It's making it hard to focus on other stuff though.