[Mouse_]

well its been 3weeks, this is the second longest break we have apart from the 5 summer break. The maddness of xmas helps it go faster as the weeks are taken up with holidays and confusion LOL!.

I've been having a wierd time with a friend (posted in personality forum) so that has taken my mind of T to some extent. Of course some of this I expect will also be about T, my anger at not being able to make her stay with me. But I think I have learnt a lot this break, the reality that T cannot be with all the time, the reality that I will never find out who I am if T was never going to give me the space to grow. Not that breaks about that, that would be making it all about me, me, me again LOL!

I do feel I have a greater sense of me growing now, I do see the start of the light at the end of the tunnel now.

I've been doing some reading on controlling and detachment and thats opened my eyes to a lot also. My battle has been what it was growing up also, my need to control how I get loved and cared about, my frutstration at not being able to control T, I know she smiles when I say to her that can't control her. In my frustration I've thought her evil for not allowing me to control her. The anxiety is starting to settle I think, I think I can trust T will be there for me and I don't have to keep making sure of that. Its taken over 3yrs to get here! Its funny because I use to think I had to be involved completely in my childrens lifes, now I can stand back and allow them their journey also, makes life much calmer.

[MissCharlotte]

Mouse,

What a beautiful post! I am jealous, I have not yet achieved that level of trust.

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Its funny because I use to think I had to be involved completely in my childrens lifes, now I can stand back and allow them their journey also, makes life much calmer.

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YES! if there is one thing I have learned over the course of the past year it's that being omnipresent does not equal love and that over-parenting my children will not make up for my loss.

Peace

[Kiya]

Mouse, I second that. That is a huge thing, both your personal growth, and what you have learned about your kids. Also, overparenting will only make kids run the other direction when they are grown.... like that saying "if you love it, let it be. if it loves you, it will return.

Mouse,
It's good to hear that you've made it past a major point in therapy! It gives me hope that maybe I'll make it. Enjoy the Peace you worked so hard to achieve! You deserve it.

[Mouse_]

So today's the day. I guess I feel kinda numb amongst other feelings. I use to feel like a toddler all excited, but today? dare I say I feel a tinny whinny bit resentful at going back, I feel that I am handing my ablity to work things out for myelf back over to T. Of course T will explain this and give it back to me in a way that makes me see its not like that at all, but this is the first time I've felt I am ok handling life myself right now. Perhaps this is growth, this is where the "need" for T does start to change? I mean those words first echoed by T many moons ago "Your need for me will change" are coming true? I do have a situation I want to talk about with her I guess, but I don't feel that panic inside where I will die unless I give this problem to her. I hear her voice as I type this telling me this is just a defence feeling? But know I am sure that part of me is handling my own life more independently now. I don't feel in control this morning, I feel like how I feel this afternoon will depend on how the session goes, but I guess not being able to guarentee myself my own stablity is a sign that I am not yet finished in therapy. Perhaps I've just enjoyed not having to deal with all the deep issues these past 3weeks? Perhaps if I never returned to T my energy would wain and I would find myself in a terrible place? Oh well, we're see.

[MissCharlotte]

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Perhaps if I never returned to T my energy would wain and I would find myself in a terrible place?

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Uhhhh....somehow I don't think so. Sounds like you have made wonderful progress. Woo hoooooo!!! Way to go. Good luck today.

Peace

[Perna]

I remember the first time I left a session and looked in my head for what to think about on the long drive home and there was "nothing" there. It was a shock that I wasn't upset or questioning or having any issues to deal with and, in addition, I didn't really feel the need to worry about not having any issues to deal with (always before, had had to have a "topic"/problem before I went to T). I could contain everything in the session itself, deal with what came up with her when it came up.

[Mouse_]

So I'm home honey LOL!

Talked about something completely different. I guess my main problem is my adoption, the way it was told to me, the fact that I was robbed of the ablity of being able to to have a birth mum I could think fuzzy warm thoughts about.

I told T that there's still a part of me looking for her, I tried to find her by naming my son the same name my birth mother gave to my birth brother when I found his birth cert.

T said that I actually was creative in raising my children as to be a good enought mother, one has to have a sense of having had a good enought mother and I didn't, but in trying to find my birth mother, I created her through me in the way I wished I had been loved by her and raised by her.

T then said have you ever heard a birth mothers story? I replied yes and I ain't interested in their story they still did it. Then I said ok when I had my son 20yrs ago I was gonna get rid of him, but I didn't. T asked why not? I said because I couldnt have done it, couldn't have lived with myself. THEN it kinda of clicked, T said, so it would have affected you? I realised then that it would have affected my birth mother abandoning her 3 kids, and they sort of opened a new door within me, made me feel at least that I must have a mattered on some le vel to my birth mother.

I think this being told in a harsh way of my adoption, of all the bad about her, whether completely true or not has been internalised by me in the compartment within ourselfs where we should hold our mothers love. I see now its up to me to find the forgiveness for what my birth mother did in her life to have any chance of feeling whole and worthwhile, that why I hold only memorys of her act and crueltiys I will feel that way inside.

[ECHOES]

Sounds like a nice reunion with T Mouse.

I wonder if 'controlling' is also about the way you were told about being adopted and wishing your birth mother would have been able to raise you.

That must have been something to think of how it might have been for your birth mother. I have to think that having to give up children would affect a mother for the rest of her life. I also was going to give up my son many years ago; in many ways, I think I was very selfish that I didn't.

[Mouse_]

Yeah I think it would affect a mother for ever, I guess I;ve never allowed myself to see that as it would make it all more tragic, infact makes me feel even more angry toward my adoptive mother for having painted that picture, hhhmm I think I am in the reflective stage right now.