Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I've actually been happy today.

With the London stuff- I just paid someone to act as a power of attorney and sort it all for me. It's a huge weight off my shoulders,but I feel guilty about not being there for my sisters.

I'm truly sorry that you're out sick again. It's just that when you have to be out as often as you are, maybe it's time for you to retire?

I have regressed a lot since March. largely due to my hormones. Partly due to the pandemic. Also partly due to you. I’m hoping to get back on track.

OMG. What an intense session today. Only one before in all my years on therapy have I felt so exhausted after an appointment because we went so deep.

Thank you for working through this with me...even though I feel horrible at the moment.

How can we fix this? Can we fix this?? I don't think we can...

You just keep messing up instead of...

Couldn’t tell if you were comfortable with what we talked about today or not. I have more to say about it, if you’ll let me.

i am sooooo ready to talk tomorrow afternoon.

Oh look at the two of us, having a rupture.

T,
Today was good. It was weird being late for the appointment. It threw me off a bit. I'm scared to talk to Med provider, as I said but I know it's best for me to speak my mind. I ultimately want to be OFF medications. My mind has the power to overcome my past, and I need to let it. I"m stronger now then I have been. IT feels WONDERFUL!!! Reading has been helping me, and I want you to read it too. I want to break barriers both with those who are survivors and professionals. We need to be at equal footing with each other. Is that too hard to understand???

dear god you’re such a ****.

I didn't really notice not seeing you today at 10.30am.- It was seven mins past that before I even realized. It's not my usual session time and I won't be coming on friday.

I get that I'm making it harder for myself. and I did feel lower today.
.
I paid tuition fees for the upcoming year and now with a significantly lower bank balance I'm just feeling anxious about money.

I have to collect the confirmation letter tomorrow and submit it, but everything with that is finally getting sorted out.

I also messaged old best friend number 3/4. One at a time. I'm just sorry about hurting everyone. It will be the one year anniversary on the 7th of august for my grandmother and every 28th of the month is hard because of X. It will be three months now.

I'm losing sympathy for your "out sick" cancellations. It seems that the least you could do is shoot me an email of update. I'm weary of being disappointed by people, you definitely included.

Dear T,
Why couldn't I say today that the handshake is part of what I miss? I feel too afraid to admit that.... and it's also just being in the room with you. I mean, at this point, I miss being in the room with anyone other than my D or H. But I also miss being with you in the actual therapy space, not just the virtual one...

Thanks for letting me cry on your virtual shoulder today and being empathetic. Sorta wish I'd heard about my car before session because that's another thing stressing me out right now...but we can talk Friday, and maybe by then they'll have been able to diagnose it.

Love you,
LT

I hate this feeling and I hate you for allowing this.

i hope that we are good today. 2 weeks ago was a disaster.

Thank you, thank you. We were and we are.

eta: and I am really glad we talked about that word I hate so much!!! thank you!

yeah, talking about schedule changes never feel good. I feel like you so missed the mark with timing. I worked through it I think ok. I wasn't in my adult headspace and that made it harder.

Sigh.

that was kinda neat today when we did that hand-thing at the beginning like we've been doing to connect. i swear my hand started to feel warm. it shouldn't have surprised me, it's energy, kinda like when i do reiki, h says my hands start to feel really warm after a bit when i practice on him. same kinda thing. video sessions aren't so bad, i guess, but being in the same room is still better. and you were so darn cute today when you got so excited talking about my dream that you apparently actually forgot about the stupid virus for a moment.

I'm a tiny bit high and accidentally looked at late night imgur because I didn't know what it was. Now I'm obviously pretty creeped out.

today's session was one of those where i want to figure out how to keep seeing you and not change to somebody else. but once h's pandemic unemployment ends, i'm going to have to say bye bye again. he can't go back to work yet so.... no more therapy.

And I want to add that when transference isn't rearing its difficult head we sure do damn good work together. Yesterday was some good stuff.

Dear T,
Sorry for the pathetic email, but it’s how I’m feeling after getting that news. Plus the financial issue With the bank is still unresolved. And I haven’t heard back about my car and have a bad feeling about it—not sure how water damage and electrical problem could possibly be a good combination...I wish you would reply tonight but you most likely won’t. And I see you at 1 tomorrow but I had to get all that out. I imagine tomorrow will be another weepy session...
Love,
LT

you know what i hate the most about video sessions? it's that because i am talking to you online, i feel like it's a video i should be able to go back and watch whenever I want!! man, I wish I could watch yesterday's session! it was soooo good.

I said nothing to med provider. She ran late as it was. But she didn't seem mad. But I gave her the book title. I hope she reads it!