Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Please stop saying I should come there and do sand trays. Seriously. Stop.

T,

Ugh, why do you have to move out of state so I can no longer work with you? I know you are moving for personal reasons and it's not about me but I'm just sick of therapists leaving me. I feel abandoned and forgotten, even though this is likely not your intention. Anyway, I hope I can find somebody new that I click with but I'm not too hopeful they won't just leave too.

-Butterfly

About coming there to do sand trays like you keep suggesting: you know how much I want to, I know you do, but I hesitate because of the pandemic of course and how you said awhile back that your dr said that you could get it again. You even said it yourself that it's too risky back in late June!! So last night I asked for a dream to help me clarify whether I should consider it or not. And the dream I got feels like a pretty clear "not yet" - in the dream your office is floating on a chunk of ice in a large sea.


Yes, I could get there by swimming or by boat but it would take time. Which to me, says I need to wait.

Flight back in 2 days and 12 hours.

School again in 8 and 13 hours.

My family is so dysfunctional it's funny. I really felt mothered today though.

Hey L, thanks for your response to my little epiphany about what the drawing meant. Felt good to read that. Looking forward to next week....

me

Permanent bristling. I opened an email today, but couldn't find the words.
Chances are you'll hear from me before Thursday, though.

I've decided that we are not going to call it regressing anymore. It was a necessary detour.

I've reached the opening and closing a blank email addressed to you stage.
There's a lot I want to say, that I'm not sure I can say without dissolving.
So, there's an email, but whether you'll get it before Thursday is anybody's guess.
That relies on me finding the words, and a way to say them that doesn't sound 'selfish'.

(That's the ****ing Critic.)

Feeling safe and cared about again. I just want to retain those feelings no matter what. I guess that is a work in progress.

I see you, Lonely. I'm working on the same thing. Since all this happened, safety seems to have become a buzzword, and has little relevance for people who can't think about the bigger picture.

Getting through the day has become hard.

I miss you a lot today. I hope I can see you face to face soon.

Thank you that means a lot. I'm sorry you're finding everything so hard right now too. It's not an easy time whatsoever.

I'm just sad right now.


Flight at 8am.

I wonder if you would be disappointed in me for talking to my GP about a short term Rx for anxiety meds. I don't know if she'd even do it or not. I'm working so hard at everything we've talked about this go-around but it's hard. My anxiety still gets the best of me sometimes. I was feeling like such a failure at life earlier, so SICK of myself, my inability to make and follow through on adult decisions (well many anyway, I have made and followed through on a couple lately but not nearly enough) and mad at myself for feeling so overwhelmed by everything.... one little innocuous seeming thing can set it off.... I got through it after it happened earlier today, I said Artie stop this, BREATHE dammit, and I stopped what I was doing, closed my eyes, and took a few deep breaths and said to myself "Things always work out. Things always work out. Things always work out." And I was able to calm myself down eventually. I just wish my brain would stop manufacturing this anxiety in the first place.

Dude I miss you no matter what I’m feeling at the moment. My stomach is in knots. I can’t eat. I’m losing weight. I feel so sick. Maybe it will turn out that it really wasn’t you. Maybe it’s something completely different. Maybe it’s cancer for all I know. But at this moment I seriously ****ing miss you.

I don't think L would be disappointed if you needed medication for diabetes or anything else. It's okay to take medication for anxiety if you need it and it doesn't say anything about you,

You're doing the best you can right now. You don't have to be better than you are right now in this moment. Making decisions can be hard for anyone but you're doing it and that's what matters. This whole period is stressful for most people and it's okay to go at your own pace even if it may be slower than what you want.

Wooo alert -----

You actually come back in five days and your work week starts the same day as when school starts for me. So I wonder if you'll message me this week then, but I don't see the point in coming in if your taking the following week off again doing the extinction rebellion stuff.

I feel like that session before you left really ruined things between us.

I'm still going through grief but I feel stronger. I don't feel like I am the same person who left in july.

40 mins away from home and i'm sat crying at the back of the coach.

I'm actually really hurting right now. I've tried to be strong but i'm really not. My skin is fragile.

In the day after tomorrow how could he find his son if he didn't know where he was? I don't know where you are.

You have an email. I'm hoping you will be understanding, as you always have been.

I have this urge to text you. I'm ignoring it.

Where are you..

I finished my poem, the one I told you I started in the pool on Saturday. I'll probably have another to share as well before Friday, I'm about to log onto an online drumming circle and those always invigorate my creativity. "See" you Friday morning.

Yesterday's meltdown is over: Back to studying.

1.30h so far on topic one.

Please reply to my vulnerable email, T...