Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T
I’m used to a zillion years of therapy but why does your vacation have me questioning everything? Whether you are even helping me or not?

Dear T,
I have this stupid fear that you're going to be annoyed with me, that you'll realize I was wording things in the hopes that you'd reply last night. I hope my other email saying I just needed to get things out, that we can talk more in session will somehow help. And it's not like I called or even texted you. OK, trying to talk myself out of that fear....


I wish we could talk for 2 hours today. Or 3. Or just like all day... I wish I could actually see you, to sit in your office. That would give me some sort of comfort...
Love,
LT

Wow,

Those sessions that feel faintly surgical are always hard, and significantly harder through teletherapy. We really did a deep dive yesterday.
I have to assume that you won't be surprised to hear from me over the next few days, if I can find the damn words.


Thank you for being there, thank you for the heads up about the summer, and thank you for not taking a long time off.
I don't think I could handle that.

Dear T: I wish you would tell me what time(s) you have available on the 1st. I feel needy asking you again. I couldn't help cancelling my appointment for next week. Esther really needs to go to the vet. I know you are working at your other job but maybe you could get back to me like tomorrow? Kit

Dear T,
Thank you for all of that. The thing you said at the end, how this would be a lot for anyone to handle, that meant a lot. And mentioning all the stressors going on in the background for me every day, then this other stuff on top of it. It helps to know that it makes sense that I'm not coping very well right now. That it's not because I'm weak or something. But that it's a lot to be dealing with. And glad you confirmed that you're not annoyed at all about the emails.
Love you,
LT

gulp - i did it, L - i published my fairy tale on kindle. i shouldn't worry about my mom seeing it because she knows darn well how my childhood was and will see the parallels but i didn't give anyone names in the story. there's the unhappy princess, the duke and duchess, the fairy grandmother, and the evil queen - all the typical fairy tale characters - but i did not want to give any of them actual names. the unhappy princess just happens to have certain parts of my childhood. no one outside of my immediate family will know that though as it's not something i ever share with anyone else (other than you of course). I don't know why this is exactly but I am feeling lately this very strong calling to start putting my writing out there for the world to see. Maybe it's because our work lately is resulting in an internal shifting of sorts where I'm starting to be more concerned with being whole than with being perfect good little girl?!

Proud of you Artie!

Dear T,

Why can’t you be supportive and warm instead of distant and punitive?

-c

I’m trying to lay off on the emails and not send one until Tuesday. But I think you get secretly worried about me when I don’t send one everyday. I’m ok though. I just panic a bit at night when the creepy thoughts come into my head.

you would have been proud of me earlier. long story which i'll share on Wednesday but i caught myself starting to enter a guilt storm and i saw it and i did what you suggested and i was able to stop it and let it go. it worked. how about that.

Teletherapy is the ultimate trust fall. The more I think about this, the more I realise it's true.
I think the remark I made at the end of last session needs another conversation.
For that to happen, I am going to have to trust you more than ever, and trust me more than ever.
To trust that there is nothing 'wrong' with my experience...and that is hard.


Yes, many people are having a difficult time at the moment, but that doesn't mean that I have to put my experiences aside.


Somewhat dreading Thursday, if I am honest.

I really want to say what's on my mind without all the hesitation, hedging, anxiety etc. I'm not sure how to do it but just to do it, but all those words have been behind a wall in my head for so long, it's as though they are physically unspeakable.

I want to tell you about my grow plans but I know you don't approve.

School starts in 36 days.

You leave in 15 days.
You come back in 50 days.

Am I making a mistake?.

You're starting to feel less real.

Dear T,
Today I went and looked at cars and even sat inside a few (masked, then sanitized hands immediately after), all in 90-degree heat, which is stressful for me in a non-pandemic. Then H and I had a beer outside (D had water) at a socially distanced brewery, where all tables were 6 feet apart, all waiters wore masks, menus were electronic. I think this is progress, right? And I noticed that the WiFi worked outside at the brewery, so maybe I could possibly do work out there one afternoon in the next week or two? Trying to find tiny steps toward returning to something from my pre-pandemic life while taking precautions (and the car thing is kinda necessary...unless I want to just buy something blind).
Love,
LT

I don't want to call you! But there is a LOT happening. An abscess, a job I'm starting to hate, and then there is my lack of direction. I can feel the spiraling starting. And yet here I sit, venting online. I'm scared and I need something.

You are the biggest gift to my life that there could possibly be. I am so grateful to you and for you. You're everything I want to be as a person.

I'm back on speaking terms with all four of my old best friends but I've fallen out with creepy guy since last saturday and he actually used the line "you're pushing me away". To which I replied I didn't care.

I'm not very good at being a friend am I?

I almost wobbled and emailed you.

I'm okay now. Like everything else it passes.

You leave in 14 days and come back in 49. Maybe I won't return to therapy afterwards.

School again in 35. I feel behind and we haven't even started. Today was just 30 mins of pharm and one lecture.

As usual, I want what I can't have.

I haven't texted you since my last session. Ha! I do have some self control after all.

Dear T,
Well, tomorrow we can perhaps talk more about how my mom doesn't seem willing to see me as an adult capable of making well-researched, good decisions. Seriously, her comment of "Maybe if you hadn't chosen some fly-by-night repair shop." WTF was that??? I did my research. They specialize in VWs. I didn't go back to the dealer because I had issues with how they handled things the last time. I trust them when they say it's not safe to work on, that she doubts any technician would feel safe with it, and included videos to show what's going on.

And I love how she was like, "Have you started looking at cars?" Duh, of course I have! I imagine she'll question my choice in whichever one I end up with even though I've checked Consumer Reports, Edmunds, and asked for personal experience from Facebook friends.

Sigh...I guess the big difference right now from how I may have reacted even 5 years ago is that I'm angry at her rather than sitting here doubting myself. I mean, I didn't tell her I was annoyed, but we were on Facetime with my daughter there, so that would have been awkward. I just defended my choice briefly. Still, I think that's progress, and I'm pretty sure you'd agree. And you helped me get here.

Love,
LT

If I bought legit over the counter sleeping pills, not melatonin, would you fire me? I’m pretty sure Pdoc would. I mean, I can still add stuff to my Walmart order until 1:45 this morning. I’m really tempted to.

i am sad.

I'm going to perish from my ant sting wounds! My ankle is probably gangrenous. Or "gangerous" as you call it.

Pain level isn't bad, unless I put pressure on my right side of my face. I keep thinking of what to do for today. And what the dentist will say/when the appointment will be/what work will say. I have 4 hours to wait. I should sleep.

Why can't I be normal? Why did the bullies have to affect me so much? I hate my life. I don't know what I want. I know what some tests say, counseling or psychology would be a good fit. But will I be happy? Will it be too much? If it wasn't dark out I'd go for a walk. I'm thinking too much. Calling seems like a bad idea, yet I know it would help. But what can you do? I'd be getting feedback. Instead of I don't knows. I want to move out. Having no money is an issue.