Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I feel bad.
Will I ever see you again?

What a day!!! And yet I feel fine. I'm in control of what I do. Which is a first for me.

I'm so trying to figure this out. Who/what is in the center of my guilt complex. I have this pretty much pathological need to be seen and acknowledged as "good". Why? Because I grew up with it drilled into my head how bad I was? So I thought if I could only be seen as "good" I might finally be enough?

Do you know the answer but you are waiting for me to figure it out for myself?

'From victory I tried
To match eternal light, with how I live my life
Of course, I was forced to retreat
From victory, I accept defeat...'

- The Avett Brothers

Hello negative transference....

I am so looking forward to discussing with you your choice of that particular word when describing how I was acting. And to talking more about what's at the center of my guilt complex.

There's stuff I want to talk about that I can't bring myself to say. There are things I have talked about once but they're still here. The memories and feelings just come up again and again and again.

I feel appreciative of you today.

i wonder if you'll forget me next week too?

I really miss you. I wish you would have made a bigger deal of it when my internet was down for our most recent session.

I'm feeling jealous because you'll be vacationing with people you don't live with, yet you're seriously terrified of catching covid. If you're on vacation with those people, why won't you see me f2f in your office at this time? I'm going to ask you about it.

I'm scared we'll never be in the same room again.

Pregnancy dream might be triggering:



And if you want the truth I am jealous of your three family holidays a year with your daughter when I've never been on one.

If you leave can leave me for a month, what difference does another three weeks of canceled sessions really make?

I have this fear about my T as well. And that even if we do resume in-person sessions, he'll never be willing to shake hands again. I want to ask him about the hand-shaking thing, but am afraid of his answer. (Hope it's ok that I replied!)

Of course it’s ok! I’m sorry you’re feeling this way too, it really sucks. I’m trying to tell myself I’m just being paranoid, of course we’ll see our Ts again! This is just a phase that will pass. I don’t always believe it, but I’m doing my best. I’m sure in time your T will be ok with hand shaking again, though it might take a while.

I am so depressed. Maybe I should move my appointment up with Dr. B. I can't exist like this. It's intolerable. I'm on 90mg of Cymbalta and clearly, that's not sufficient. I agreed with her to consolidating my meds and that's fine since I don't think they were doing much anyway, but it's not like I think I don't need medication.

She wrote on that school accommodations thing that I'm unlikely to get better.

I wish I could go back to Dr. S, but I can't afford it. Dr. B isn't terrible, but she seems to accept that I'm just in a constant state of depression. Maybe the situation has not been adequately communicated to her. I don't know. But I'm to the point where I'm tempted to start experimenting with illegal drugs because I feel hopeless that she will come up with anything that helps.

Why can't you be on my side? Who needs a repeat of 'real' life in therapy..

You're doing more harm than good.

Everything is changing so quickly, and so slowly.
Feels like a long time before I'll see you again, and even longer before some sense of 'normal' returns.

I can't handle wearing a mask, and really don't want anything to get in the way of the connection between us.


What a ****ing mess.

If the internet connection isn't working today I'm not going to have a superficial check in with you on the phone. If it doesn't work, see you whenever.
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So you cancelled again today because you're not feeling well. You cancelled a few sessions ago, then no internet connection on Thursday. Now my appointment postponed until Wednesday.

I love getting cancellations 1 hour before my appointment Thanks a ton.

I feel so discouraged. I'm losing connection with you and in part, I wonder if it's best to just skip this week altogether. I'm tired of taking care of you.

Meeting up with two of my old best friends went well. I expected one to show up but the other one came too! We spent 4 hours together and it was lovely.

Thank you for encouraging me to make contact which I did straight after last session.

I miss you so much at the moment.

is it wednesday yet

You should be worried about me!

Please don't let me off the hook as regards talking about what happened last night.

The random crying is unbearable, but apparently it does happen.

I hate it, because I feel hollow afterwards.

Would you be mad if I was a little buzzed in my session? I don't want to upset you.