Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

1 day 23 hours 25 mins ....

The email recall for the second T didn't work.

He emailed saying that he does actually have availability on monday at seven.

First intro session is a freebie so I don't have anything to lose I guess.

T,
You've got me thinking that what do I have to lose. Going back to grad school is a tough decision. I know my end goal but I'm fearful. What if I have to withdraw because of stress? What if my body is in more pain because of the stress? This is what replays in my head. Last night I started to refresh my memory of countertransference. I hope.... No I will have the book read by Friday. That's a big goal and I'll have to read 12% each day to get there. It's doable. I have to start working on that assignment for my SDP part of my program, and I need to have it done before the new term starts. If all goes well. I have healthy things in place, I just need to do them. No excuses!

I'm so tired. It is starting to feel like life is never going to work out. I can be ok for a few months at best, and then slide down the hill slowly, and mostly slide right across the line that separates the ability to get up myself and the times I end up in hospital. It really feels pointless when I just keep going down again and again. Like, what is the point in getting "better" if it doesn't last, and I never get the chance to stick to anything because I'm only motivated for weeks or, at most, a few months. No money, no job, no real hope, actually. Probably going to have to move in with my parents again, and when I spend the night there I wake up feeling ****. Noise is getting too loud at the moment and I often just want to hide.

Dear T,
Thank you for being there and sharing some of yourself today.
Love you,
LT

I'm angry with you. How dare you.

I cancelled on the T called H. It sounds pathetic but it just made me too anxious.

You are the most beautiful person in the world.

Oh for crying out loud, get a grip.

I made my choice. Sent the emails. And will be returning to grad school. I'm nervous and anxious and excited... all in one second.

I do whatever I want and you can't control me.

I'm a little worried about you. I miss seeing you in your office.

This existence feels like a stalemate. I have tried so hard to make more of it.
I was getting there, and now it's all been taken away.

'The wanting, the needing and the halfway having.'

The counselling center did send me a form which I have to fill in, but I realize I don't actually like having to deal with a middle person. I asked to see a particular T -I don't want to be "matched with the right therapist."

T H emailed me back- I'm going to leave it open for now.

Dear T: It was good to see you face to face on Saturday. Especially as that was a big day for me. I felt kind of rushed because I needed to get back to the vet for Esther but that was all me, not you. You were a little out of it though. Sometimes you were not making much sense. You seemed really, really tired. Sometimes I think you work too much. It was still nice to see you. Nice to know you are there. And you wore the flowers in your hair. Love that! Love you! Kit

I wish that you would wear flowers in your hair like Kit's t. Hmm, white ones. Or yellow ones.

It’s your fault I can feel things. It’s your fault I thought I deserved some real love in my life, to take risks, to buy my dog. Now he’s really sick I think and there’s nothing I can do. The anxiety of having to watch him constantly and every noise makes my heart pound in my chest. I can’t enjoy anything. If my lovely dog, the only being I’ve ever really loved dies, I’m definitely going to kill myself. That will not be your fault, just mine.

33 mins ...

You didn't seem interested in talking to me today.

I feel clingy. I don't know why. Maybe because you won't be available for whatever reason on one of the two session days next week. A week without support feels like a long time at the moment just because I'm feeling so depressed. There's nobody else to talk to about how much I'm struggling. Then again, that last session was a waste of time and I don't know why you think it helps to tell me how you're really worried the next semester of school will be a disaster. I am already anxious enough and it is not helpful to forecast failure.

I also feel miffed that it seemed like you didn't take my cyclical vomiting syndrome seriously. I'm not lying when I say that doing all those chores last night triggered the episode and it makes me even more anxious about increasing my activity levels. Heat is a major trigger and I overheat really quickly in the summer. And as I keep telling you, the reason I've been staying in bed all day is the getting up and doing stuff feels really overwhelming and anxiety-provoking. Anxiety and stress are also triggers. I realize I can't stay in bed all day, but it's not as simple to get up and do stuff as you think. CVS is incapacitating during an episode. I get such intense nausea that I literally wish I would spontaneously die just so it would stop. And nobody enjoys projectile vomiting where it's so forceful it comes out your nose.

Dear Info,

Congratulations. You’re the only professional who doesn’t seem to find me difficult and worry about some crazy-high expectation of you that you think I’m holding.

ATAT

I feel like I have forgotten you. I have forgotten how it feels to be with you, what your house smells like, and how you look when you laugh. You seem like a time gone by, not a person in my present. I don't like this, it reminds me of endings and I don't want things to end with you.


I will feel differently tomorrow and you will be back to being a wretch and I will be hostile again. Normal business will be resumed as soon as possible, please do not be alarmed.

i can't help but to keep picturing you with flowers in your hair now haha

Dear Info,

Why can’t I be a better person? Or one people find less difficult?

ATAT