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  #476  
Old Jul 28, 2020, 07:16 PM
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LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is online now
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Dear T,
It struck me tonight after I sent that email how you were part of why I squandered that motivation to get better after what happened near the end of last summer. If you'd been more supportive and less...I want to say "hurtful," but I know you'd just say "honest." But if you'd been to me more like how you are now.... Of course, i also keep thinking how none of that would have happened, not the thing with the concert, none of the summer ruptures, had Covid been last summer instead. And I also think how I was doing so much better and making all these improvements right before the pandemic. So I'm angry that it (the pandemic) happened and has gone on for so long (in large part because of our horrible leadership).

But I also feel like I could have made some of those changes sooner had you been different during those couple weeks when I really needed you...really that one week in particular. I wonder if we need to talk about that more? Or maybe I should just work on moving forward and accept that our relationship now is different than it was then...perhaps in no small part because the world is so different than it was then. I don't know. Maybe I'll just see where the conversation goes tomorrow.
Love,
LT

ETA: Or is it not so much that *you're* different now, but that *I* am? (Or maybe that's why the relationship is different.)
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  #477  
Old Jul 28, 2020, 09:09 PM
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LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is online now
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Dear T,
It just struck me: How much of that was my running away from you last summer vs. running away from the changes I needed to make?
Love,
LT
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  #478  
Old Jul 29, 2020, 12:21 AM
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Lemoncake Lemoncake is offline
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Feeling very drained today.

I woke up anxious.

Glad to be going back to London on friday. I still have a lot of general cleaning to catch up on.

Another thing that annoys me- The T H misspelled my name. It's only in the top of my email and the bottom of the other two emails I exchanged.
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  #479  
Old Jul 29, 2020, 04:29 AM
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susannahsays susannahsays is offline
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I feel really bad. I've been trying to sleep all night with no luck. Lying in bed, my mind wanders to really bad memories and I can't seem to make it stop.
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  #480  
Old Jul 29, 2020, 08:24 AM
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LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is online now
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This is so dumb, but could you maybe reply to my email and confirm my session in 2 hours? I'm sure I'm still on the schedule, but just making sure because we'd talked about Thursday.
Love,
LT

ETA: Thanks for responding!

Last edited by LonesomeTonight; Jul 29, 2020 at 08:45 AM.
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  #481  
Old Jul 29, 2020, 11:48 AM
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LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is online now
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Dear T,
Thanks for being OK talking about the stuff from last summer and for not being defensive or anything. You seem to get where the miscommunication was now. It's weird that you assumed I meant your thinking I was joking when I asked if you were still alive--I assumed it was obvious that I meant the rupture at the end of the summer that led me to leave because of the topic. And thanks for saying you're open to talking about it more if I want/need to.
Love you,
LT
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  #482  
Old Jul 29, 2020, 08:09 PM
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ArtieTheSequal ArtieTheSequal is offline
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Well, the bank appointment is done and went well. I was all nervous. I don't know why, we've done refis before. I guess everything is just weird now. I dunno. Anyway thanks for not minding that I had to reschedule. Fridays might work better for me anyway since it's my day off. I wonder what you are going to think/say when I tell you I want to keep going through August. That homework assignment, yeah I'm still writing, so MUCH is coming up/out and I feel like I'm on the verge of finally stepping out from behind this good little girl facade. it's exciting and scary all at once and there's nobody else I want to walk beside me through this. Friday morning cannot come soon enough!!
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  #483  
Old Jul 29, 2020, 08:12 PM
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ArtieTheSequal ArtieTheSequal is offline
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I just read a really good quote: "Embrace failure as the reward of being in motion and getting through it."
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  #484  
Old Jul 29, 2020, 08:27 PM
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ArtieTheSequal ArtieTheSequal is offline
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oh t your new video - stop changing it dude - you look so, not like the you I know in this one! I think the previous one was better.
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  #485  
Old Jul 29, 2020, 10:39 PM
Quietmind 2 Quietmind 2 is offline
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Dear T,

I know I wrote a lot. Please reply to my email, please be kind, please be validating. I'm worried that I've emailed too much, or that you'll note it's a long email again.
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  #486  
Old Jul 29, 2020, 11:46 PM
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puzzclar puzzclar is offline
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I see so much more right now. Countertransference is happening. Or is it transference? Anyway, why do I want to leave before my scheduled time? I see it in the other person's face and I told, then I ask them and I take action. I'm lucky that it didn't happen. I know I was hot, and sweaty, and..... Was I feeding off something I saw? Or am I afraid of getting hurt? Which seems to be a theme. What I wrote about, I'm seeing more in some relationships. Is what I'm seeing making me freak out? No that doesn't seem the right words. I know I need social relationships, that are in person.

I'm in a tough spot. I'm about to go back to grad school. I have a lot to do. And then I notice that I want to take off early??? Am I unhappy, or is it something with it feeling like.... What? Like I'm unwelcome and I am feeding off that and not putting up a boundary. Are my boundaries that weak? This will be an issue. You and I both know that any weaknesses will be know by the person I'm with, and that scares me. I know it is something to work through. So here goes.

I want to feel wanted, and needed. If I feel negativity then I want to leave. If I feel the other person not need me then I want to leave. It triggers something in me from my past. But what? I want to feel welcomed, and if I get a slight feeling that I'm no longer welcomed, then I feel forced to be there. It's like the hospital all over, when I force myself to get help because I'm scared. I'm fearful of rejection. And that is being triggered.

I didn't realize what was going on, and now this?! It makes me wonder if I can heal, go to grad school, work 20-36 hours and get self care in. And do training hours for work. And then make friends?! It seems too much. I can get up at 5:30am but will that be enough? Is this bring up fear? The term starts in a month, and I have an assignment due for an unfinished course before the term starts. I'm doubting myself. I keep hearing others from my past telling me I can't do that. I'm getting anxious and scared, feeling fear. I need to remind myself that my life is not in immediate danger. That this is temporary.

Am I doubting my choice? I'm listening to the stupid people of my past. How do I get them out of my head! Do I need more affirmations? Even if I can't stand/don't know how to get them to work. I need to work through my pain. Will it last? And then I notice my anxiety creeping in. Im scared that it won't work. I've always been told that faith is the opposite of fear. But I haven't fully believed in myself since I was 7, but did I really then?? I know this has been caused by my family, and how they grew up as well. I'm fighting a lot. And I live with my parents. How do I get away from my past? I really need to move out!!
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  #487  
Old Jul 30, 2020, 05:23 AM
kaleidoscopeheart kaleidoscopeheart is offline
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I'm sorry I emailed you.... but I'm also not sorry.

Right now I am really missing seeing you twice a week.
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  #488  
Old Jul 30, 2020, 07:30 PM
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ArtieTheSequal ArtieTheSequal is offline
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Thanks for the link for tomorrow morning. And for saying you like my story.

I am still wishing that you would wear flowers in your hair. I don't know why that idea just captivates me so. But it does!! Maybe because it's kinda whimsical and you are so darn serious on stupid zoom.
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  #489  
Old Jul 30, 2020, 07:35 PM
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LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is online now
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Dear T,
Do I tell you I watched the comedy special you recommended? Because it's really funny! And also rings true, the stuff about his dealing with mental illness (I've tried most of the meds he listed, the thing about "what do you have to be depressed about?" etc.). And it's also kind of inspiring more to write about my therapy.
Love,
LT
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  #490  
Old Jul 30, 2020, 07:41 PM
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zoiecat zoiecat is offline
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Who would have thought that the first time I cried in therapy would have been because of something you said. You can be a real jerk sometimes.
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  #491  
Old Jul 30, 2020, 09:06 PM
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ArtieTheSequal ArtieTheSequal is offline
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I finished my homework last night, by the way. I wonder if you are going to be up for reading all 2,103 words of it, especially right on top of reading my almost-as-long story about little Artie meeting her shadow. The story was fun writing, the kind that pretty much writes itself. The homework was emotional writing and it took a bit longer to get on paper than the story did. The story was written in one evening; the homework, over 6 different evenings....
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  #492  
Old Jul 31, 2020, 12:59 AM
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Mountaindewed Mountaindewed is offline
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Thanks for asking if it’s something that can come back. Cause I didn’t even think about that. And now I think it is coming back.
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  #493  
Old Jul 31, 2020, 02:40 AM
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LostOnTheTrail LostOnTheTrail is offline
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Yet again, sky high expectations are my downfall.
I didn't cry in front of you yesterday, but that meant that I wept during my meditation before going to sleep.
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  #494  
Old Jul 31, 2020, 01:10 PM
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I am so glad when you’re not overly nice and just help me without sympathy or pity.
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  #495  
Old Jul 31, 2020, 02:26 PM
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ArtieTheSequal ArtieTheSequal is offline
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thanks for much for this morning. it was a really good session, I had that one gigantic aha (and I loved it when you clapped haha!) and some smaller realizations too worked out while I was reading parts of my homework to you. I do like early morning sessions, when I am fresh and rested. Easier to tackle this stuff that way. Too bad you're not available next Friday, but that's actually ok cuz I have to go do my bloodwork that is now overdue anyway. Maybe 2 weeks will be good anyhow cuz I can keep writing on last week's homework, I've more to say, and work on getting my spiritual practice active again. I know you're right, I can feel that I've been missing that. I haven't attended a Saturday service with my animist group in 2 or 3 weeks now, been doing other stuff, but i need to make time for that, it's so important. It keeps me grounded between sessions.
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  #496  
Old Jul 31, 2020, 02:28 PM
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chihirochild chihirochild is offline
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Dear T,

I miss you. But I hated what you said, even if it was right. Maybe I will get sick and bad again just to not miss you anymore—I sure as hell hope not. Why is this all so hard?

-c
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  #497  
Old Jul 31, 2020, 03:23 PM
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LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is online now
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Dear T,
It meant a lot to me that you said we're in this together with respect to working on my drinking.
Love,
LT
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  #498  
Old Jul 31, 2020, 08:53 PM
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Lemoncake Lemoncake is offline
Roses are falling.
 
Member Since: May 2017
Location: Seattle.
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Lots of travelling yesterday and I'm tired.
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  #499  
Old Jul 31, 2020, 10:33 PM
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Victoria'smom Victoria'smom is offline
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I think H is trying to hospitalize me.
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  #500  
Old Aug 01, 2020, 12:45 AM
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velcro003 velcro003 is offline
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T: I am not paying you for a 6 minute phone call.

edit: I also actually had something to talk about today. Figures. I am glad that you want to go back to a regular, scheduled time. That will help me.
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