Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

As usual, I don't want to see you again today.

Dear T,



-c

Me too, but I'm pushing forward and going to work. I know this isn't a good choice, but my shift starts in an hour.

Dear T,

You are so ineffective...your techniques are horrible....when you eat in front of me I want to vomit...some people are sensitive to odors, please try to be considerate and ask before you slurp up soup...uuuugggghhhh

Oh god, this would tip me over the edge. Ineffective and horrible techniques I can forgive, but slurp slurp smack smack lick lick is a kind of chaos which I could not tolerate.

One hour is never enough, even when you go over by a few minutes. Now I have to wait another week before I see you and that makes me sad. I don’t like it when you say I’m fine and normal. I feel like “fine” and “normal” threaten my claim to one hour of your time and attention. You say it’s up to me when we end, that you won’t terminate me. I believe you, but I’m scared “fine” and “normal” will somehow sabotage that. Is it ****ed up that I’d rather not be fine and normal so that I could keep you in my life? I feel a lot of things tonight. I want to see you in person soon—surely given how things are, it has to be soon. Please?

I hate how I feel rn. I wish you were more like a genie in a bottle in that I could summon you to have my sessions when the timing is right in terms of how I'm feeling. I don't mean summoning you whenever I feel upset, more that I could choose to have my two sessions at any time during the week.

There is so much to talk about, I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it. And I'm scared that I will have to change plans. Iv got to stay busy. Today I moved my bed, I'm a bit tired.

Dear T: we need to talk more about the hospitalization. I'm still traumatized. Help me please. Thanks, Kit

I truly don’t get your generic non answer emails. Especially since you happily said “email me as much as you want, and I’ll reply if you want me to.” It was as if you totally forgot the email fiasco from a couple weeks ago.

I was anticipating telling you today that I'm excited because I'm getting used to teletherapy! But then you cancelled, so yeah, I'm a bit pissed. Although, I figure you do need some time away from all the tele changes because they're stressful for you, I know.

I hope you didn't cancel because of me.

Well, Monday seems a long way away, but it'll come fast.

Dear T,



-c

hey L, thanks for suggesting doing an Active w/ the drama queen. It was fun but kinda wore me out. And Peter showed up near the end. Good stuff good stuff. I got another good insight out of it. Can I email it to you tomorrow? I might.

Wow, I wasn’t expecting to go where we did today in the session, that was so painful. 10 months with previous T and I never shed a tear, yet all I seem to do in sessions with you now is to sob my eyes out. I know you say that it’s ok and it’s normal to be upset about this stuff but I feel ashamed and like I’m wasting the precious limited time I have with you. I’m beginning to trust you much quicker than I have ever trusted anyone, but this is dangerous as it means the abrupt ending in a few weeks is going to cause so much damage.
I wish so much that you actually cared about me so that you would ignore the rules and let me continue seeing you indefinitely.

Why aren’t you replying? I feel like this one kinda warrants a decent response.

how many other parts are there? this whole parts stuff is rather disturbing if i think about it too much.

In 12 hours, the session will be over and I will be back to miserable nothingness, sulking and feeling angry at you for no particular reason. I am a child.

it's almost like we're toxic for each other in a way. how can that be when we can also do such good work togehter. **** me an d**** this relationship.. i am so mad at myaself tonight. i mean how the hell did you think i would feel when i read tha temail? do you not know me as well as you (obviously) pretend to?! of course i feel guilty!! how could i feel anything BUT? i can't ever face you again. EVER.

i am irretrievably broken. stop wasting your time on me.

Block my number so I can't call you anymore. Please?

Oh man, L.

I don't feel well. Woke up and cried.

Tomorrow will be two months since X died. I've also dreamt of my grandmother two days in a row.

Retake exam on the 2nd of july.

I missed having two sessions this week, and wonder why you're taking so much time off this summer. Most likely, it's for what you call your "mental health days." I'm looking forward to Monday's session.

Dear Info,

I had a pretty lousy day. Mostly it’s great being an adult, but sometimes you just want someone to take care of you, yet adulting means there’s either no one to do that or they expect you to do it yourself mostly. I guess that’s the attraction of not growing up.

ATAT

Hey, R.

Writing a letter to somebody who's dead is weird, isn't it? Feel like I'm drowning these days.
I really hope I get to see you again in person this year...even socially bloody distanced.