Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I feel like a chunk of my session yest was wasted because of that stupid picture. I wanna talk about this writing I did. I wonder if you'll even want to read it?

Hmmmm...what are the chances that you forgot to call me this week? I know, there is still tomorrow...but I haven't heard from you. I hate not knowing when we are going to talk.

Hey bub

I appreciate you and your calling me twice a week and I also look forward to when we can meet in person again but for now your phone calls help me get thru all the crazy stuff. Thank you very much I CARE ABOUT U VERY MUCH

All that fuss over one sentence, when we'll continue the conversation anyway.
Emotional Lost is struggling, for sure.

I feel very hurt by you.

I'm scared to do final year on my own.

Yeah I did message you today and I feel so pathetic. Think I've embarrassed myself enough.

1745 words into this homework and I'm starting to get angry with you. Angry that you were so directive the other day telling me that I need to take action. Do you really think that I don't know that? Don't you know that I wouldn't keep coming back to you if I knew HOW to take action in those areas I need to? Good goddess woman. ****. I hate being mad at you.

Dear T: Can't wait to talk tomorrow. Kit

I started looking at skype therapists after composing a message to someone I messaged the other T I saw back in February. I wanted to see someone older and someone I wouldn't necessarily be attracted to.

I feel like such a **** up.

HUGS @Lemoncake

Maybe therapy isn't for me.

I spent the last 10 mins on outlook trying to recall the email I sent T2.

Request was sent at 20:17 so fingers crossed it works.

Second time in two sessions you've mentioned running. I don't move that fast.

Reminds me of this song, though.

'The river is my saviour
She's running to the sea
And to reach her destination is to simply cease to be

Running 'til you're nothing sounds a lot like being free
So I'll lay myself inside her, and I'll let her carry me..'

- Jason Isbell

Aw, Lost, that song is kind of sad. At least it seems so to me. Hope you're doing okay. HUGS Kit

so. this anger. it's not about what i thought. it's about your comment awhile back "Not this again". I thought I was supposed to be able to talk about anything. whatever happened to that huh?

You're mean.

Can't you at least send me an email? We've missed weeks! I know you're sick, but I also know you can email 2 sentences to me so I really do know you're coming back at some point this summer.

Wonder if I will regret not going to a termination session.

But anyway three days, 2 hours, 32 mins to get through.

p.s I've booked a ticket back to London anyway. I leave on the 31st.

Hey T,

I don't like it when you say you expect better / deeper answers after 5 years of therapy. But I'm glad you highlighted that old me 5 years ago would have kicked your dustbin and hurt myself and banged the table.

It's like a form of paralysis. My get up and go has got up and gone...
And now I have Feelings, too many of them, all of the time.
Sorry about that obsession over the one sentence email.
I think we need to talk more about C.I. for sure.

You were so bossy last session and I feel defiant and rebellious as a result.

Also, you scared me talking about how I might have to go live in a residential facility. You must know I would never agree to that, so I wonder how exactly you think that would happen and it worries me.

thanks for calling after you read my rescheduling email, and being gracious about my request. I finished the story I told you about, want to do one final re-write before I send it to you. And the homework - I doubt you're gonna want to read that. I suppose i could send it to you and you can charge me for half a session to read it that's probably how long it would take I have a hunch thought that that particular assignment was more for me anyway, I imagine that you probably already know all of it anyway....

Dear T,
Thanks for being so caring. Your response to my texting you about my uncle passing away today is such a stark contrast to how you reacted to a similar (though less sudden/shocking) situation 2 years ago, when you'd said I was being "intrusive" for saying why I wanted an earlier session. I'm glad we can talk tomorrow. It's not so much that I was super-close with this uncle as how his mental health and addiction struggles resonate with me. I don't want to end up like him. I just hate how last night I was thinking "maybe I can start reducing sessions"... I also want some help on how to support my mom and aunt beyond what I'm already doing. I feel so helpless. In normal times, I'd go to them, but with Covid...I don't know what to do. Especially with D being in camp now and my having a sore throat today (hoping allergies and/or stress from buying car).
Love you,
LT

I feel like your always really supportive, and you agree with me and always validate my emotions. But you don’t ever seem to push me to get outside my comfort zone. And I don’t know why.

Dear T,
And I wish I could see you in person....
Love,
LT

I just sent you my newest fairy tale. I hope you have time to read it but it's kinda long so you might not. At least it's not as long as the other writing I'm still working on... haha

thanks for the encouragement today to get out of bed. if only you could do it every day