Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

The several emails this week have left me feeling rather axious about our session in a little bit. My stomach is upset. Talking about why I push people away may be difficult. Yes I found strength but I also found an area for growth. I"m scared for what you may say in regards to countertransference. I know that the assignment on countertransference will bring up things that I'd rather not say. But I know that the only way to make me into who I want to be, is to talk about these hot button topics. As I type ,I can feel a slight relaxation coming. Still anxious. 30 minutes until we talk. I know that you have worked with students before, and you're good at it. I respect you. But I don't want you to see me differently. I"m scared. WHY? because of that opening that the castle has done, the wounds are still fresh. I know that in the mock session I experienced countertransfrence and it caused a difficult situation. I know that i have things to work through. It doesn't mean that fear can't be there.

I need to relax. But i have been stressed for years, and I have a hard time relaxing. My body is feeling the effects of not relaxing. I need to do something to free up my mind. I need to slow down. But then I look around and think, I can't. I need to relax before this session. I do have coloring books in my room. Maybe I should spend some time doing that before talking to you. Yet,, I"m not moving towards those books. Do I have more to say, or is it something else?? I havent' done any crocheting in a few weeks due to my hand. That helpes me to relax. I need something else.

Dear T,

I haven't taken my MAOI in weeks. I can't tell you because you'd be furious.

-c

Dear T

Also, I'm a little drunk and want to do something utterly destructive. I'm not sure what yet but I want to make a colossal mess.

-c

Today when I left the state park, the app that gave me directions home ended up bringing me right by your office. Getting to the park, it brought me a completely different way..bot even though the same town..hmmm. Made me miss sessions in your office.

I’m struggling without any sessions. Three weeks seems like a lifetime at the moment and there is so much going on and things are constantly changing that I don’t feel like I’m ever going to be able to catch you up with everything that I’m feeling in our next session in a couple of weeks.
I’m angry with you, I don’t know why but I am. But me being me I’ll never be able to say that to you.
Why can’t I just be normal?

Dear T and Pdoc-

That email I sent on Friday really needed a response and it's unusual for neither of you to respond. Maybe Monday? Please!

Day two of being here and the biggest thing that's changed is my father. He actually said he was sorry, that he knew he wasn't there for us. That it made him sad he didn't take photos of as kids. He asked if I would go for a walk with him this morning and we walked up to Hyde park and it was nice but I did feel uncomfortable. He also used to snap at me when I wouldn't cross the road when it was red, nope just stayed and waited. More stuff about how it was his birthday but no one had sent him a message on facebook.

I feel like there is no future anymore. I don't know how to exist in this state and it's only getting worse. I'd say I must not deserve children, but there are plenty of 'worse' people than me that are gifted with many children. So nothing means anything then. I haven't been able to eat this week because I'm so worried(terrified) and I know there aren't any answers for me. I'm scared to see you or contact you in case I feel like you are far away. Everyone feels so far away.

I have never told you maybe 45% of the stuff I went through in my life.

You said that I need to take action. You're right, I know. I can't keep on the way I have been the last couple months. I appreciate you helping me find my way back to myself and I'm back on the right track again. And I took an action. Started walking again so that's a good, positive action. And I'm taking another action too, no more doom scrolling. I'm hungry for information but damn, there's just honestly no REAL information to be had, it seems. It's doom, gloom, speculation, conspiracy, etc. but it seems like no FACTS.


I'm still writing, too. I've done daily journaling before, but it's never gone as deep as it is this time around. Might have to write a part 2 to the 'little artie meets her shadow' story as well. you really unlocked something inside me with that one teeny little question, you did.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. You remind me so much of my mother lately. I have to make some heavy decisions. I can't keep going on like this.

How dare you leave me all by myself to go gallivanting off to have a good time while I am a bedridden shut-in!

I really hope you get well enough this week to return to work next week. I really wish it for you, and I wish it for me, too. I hope your avocado trees are 7 feet tall by now

depersonilisation is really wearing on me I feel like I'm just waiting to talk to you. I wish I could email you. I have so much to say but my words are going to come out weird. I'd so rather write.

Dear Info,

I wish there were someone to put their arms around me and hold me hard and tell me it will all be okay.

I am trying to do it for myself but am struggling.

ATAT

Dear T,
I keep thinking of this moment in my dream last night, where my hair was still wet from the rain. And you said we'd have to do something to dry it, and I assumed you meant a hairdryer. But then you went behind me and started blowing on my hair to dry it. It sounds silly typing it out, but it felt like you taking care of me, with a bit of romantic/erotic overtone (as I recall thinking, "he's now breathed on my neck"). I suppose the blowing on my hair could be a metaphor for helping me to reduce my drinking, like "drying me out." And you were a professor (or teacher?) in the dream, which you always seem to be in my dreams. I think it says something about your role to me (while ex-MC was always a T in dreams. Maybe I will share it--you don't put much stock in dreams (and I've had some truly random ones lately, so it's not like you'd be weirded out. I'll see how the session goes...
Love,
LT

I want attention now. I don't want to wait until Thursday.

4pm is too far away. Then again, video visits suck.

I feel a bit low but nothing unmanageable.

I was so scared to be on my own during your break, but I'm not even counting the days until you come back.

I've never been so thankful for my exacting notes from previous sessions as I am in this era of teletherapy.
Reading them makes you feel closer, because of course you were.

I'm frustrated and furious at you for putting me in this stressful position and I feel foolish, because it me who is putting myself in this anxious state, not you.

And t, i really wish i could let myself come in there and do some sand trays. i also think non-verbal workings out would be good right now. but i can't and i wish you could understand that. if there's even a remote chance i'd be putting you at risk for getting sick again... just, no. i can't. i can't.

maybe after work today i'll get my paints out and do some painting. there were some square wooden boards in the packaging of the treadmill i kept them and am going to sand them and use them to paint on. if i come up with anything i like enough i'll hang them on the wall behind the couch where i sit for our video sessions so you can see them.

Our mutual hobby is giving me so much pleasure and life at the moment. I wonder how much of that is due to the fact that you shared your interest in it? I hope not, I don't want you ruining it at some future point.

Our first in person session in over 140 days will probably be spent mostly just staring at each other awkwardly seeing how much the other has changed over quarantine. Me especially.

Thanks for answering my email and showing concern. I'm glad pdoc wants me to get vitals done in his office this week to see how my blood pressure is doing