Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T,
And I want to ask you about the financial thing, but am afraid....
Love,
LT

OK one last thing--part of me wants to listen to a song with you tomorrow to feel more connected before my vacation (even though I'll see you during that, but ok). But I don't know how that would be. The ones that jump to mind are kind of romantic, but it's really more about connection for me. Not romantic connection, just connection. I'll think about it...because the last time I played a song for you, I felt connected. And I think I need that now.... just don't want to weird you out.
Love,
LT

I think I'm going to attempt to draw the inside of the cave next. It's rather silly I know but it's like I'm feeling our connection really strongly right now. As if we had just talked on the phone or something when of course we didn't.

The shrub we both planted before you passed just bloomed. It is beautiful and so dainty...like life. So wish I could hig you one more time.

Dear T, I want you to say I'm special TO YOU...but you didn't and won't, I know... i don't know why I'm like this.

I had to go to A&E this morning for SH and I wished you were there with me. Pathetic. I can’t do this anymore. I have spent the last two weeks obsessing over changing my family’s holiday dates to line up with yours, I feel like I’m going completely crazy. The fear I feel over your break is just so intense, I really feel like I will die without you. I don’t know what to do other than leave. This parts work we’re doing, I don’t know how to continue with it and live some semblance of a normal life. I feel completely and utterly trapped. I wish I knew when I could see you in person again. It feels like it will never happen. I’m so scared and I’m sick of needing you so much, I wish I had never met you.

You said to me last session “your more turned on by things then by people....” I know it probably means nothing but you said “more” and have you figured out stuff I haven’t told you?

T can you just realize how badly I'm feeling and fix it somehow

Two days to go 'til session, and I'm already in knots.
We have to talk about the rest of that email sometime, and I think now is the time.

Dear T,
I just danced it out a bit in my living room. Trying to let go of what happened a year ago--the concert, the ER visit, the rupture with you. I think it helped some. And the one line in one song I listened to really resonated with me: "I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope." The combination of those.
Love you,
LT

Dear Info,

Bleah. The hits just keep on coming. Also I’m already at the forget-to-eat phase of the semester.

ATAT

T: Today was a REALLY bad day. I haven’t drank in like 2 months, but i drank tonight to try and end this misery of a day. I don’t know how i can keep going.

So now that your back from vacation my moods are bad and my anxiety is high. I was doing great the whole time you were gone. I guess I know what the issue is now.

Are you still my T?

I could start with somebody new but I don't want to and I know school will get crazier.

F*** you. You don't get to show your irritation to me. I'm SICK, you moron. I CAN'T DO THE THING YOU ARE ASKING BECAUSE I AM TOO SICK TO DO IT.

Work was stressful and now I am sitting here fighting off a panic attack because I can't decide if I want to stay in this class (or even in school as a whole) or not. Like, what makes me think stupid old me could possibly even get into a master's program let alone finish one. I feel like my entire ****ing LIFE needs an overhaul. Except for my boy. I still want to be his mom. Everything else, I wanna chuck it in the **** it bucket and completely recreate ME.

Email sent asking for a session on Friday, but at the same time I'm hoping you won't have anything free.

Really, you forgot? Thanks a lot. Sometimes you seem like 2 different people. One clicked in and on it, the other in la-la land.

I shouldn't be this happy to hear you don't have anything for friday. I actually can't switch to thursday though as I have a shift ( standing in the corner trying not to get in the way and watching other doctors work ) in A&E after normal class.

I rescheduled our appointment due to an event that now looks like it may be rained off.
I wish I hadn't done that, because I could have done with speaking to you closer to the cinema experience anniversary.

Just found out my D's 3rd-grade teacher name. Same first name as Dr. T. It's a pretty common name, but still sort of funny to me.

I hope i don't sound like a hypochondriac. It's just...upsetting to suddenly be unable to tolerate lactose when I've been fine my whole life. A part of me fears all these new symptoms are punishment for leaving even though i knowwwww I'm safe now and that's probably why my body is doing this.

Hi R,

Floundering after yesterday's conversation. I was all too happy to follow your lead on discussing the email, but that meant that I didn't get to the part I probably needed to get to. Maybe next week.

Thanks,

Lost

thanks for the 'see you at 4 via zoom' text. i like when you send those little reminders i think it starts warming up the connection or something so it's easier to just 'jump in' when the session starts.


or, maybe you're just bored.

Well, we didn't end the appointment very smoothly but thanks you for recognizing my struggle and trying your best to fix it. Also, thank you for understanding my anxiety over going on vacation in your town and saying you would likely feel the same way. You live in a heavy tourist town but still. Giving me ideas of restaurants and outdoor activities helped relax me and feel really at ease about going.