Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Got invited to go for dinner. We went for pizza.

The guy I like was also there. I was teased by creepy guy.

The four of us did coffee by the river later.

Living without you....

Last night I drew the cave from my dream, it does sorta make it more real I'll give you that. I'm gonna hopefully get some earplugs this afternoon so I can go swim again, and plan to try an Active with the cave drawing in mind while I swim. It's so easy to do them while I'm swimming only problem is I'm sure I forget parts of them before I can get back home to write 'em down. I know I need to enter the cave. The dream was a call and I get that.

Why do you think it’s a good idea to go on vacation? Not take a vacation. But go on vacation to a destination? It seems dangerous and sort of unlike you. I’m on the fence about my own trip. Although I’ve been getting kooky health problems just staying at home. So I may have more to worry about then you.

2am here.

Total study time yesterday: 4.5 hours with breaks every 25 mins.

Dear T,
I want to email about the self-disclosure stuff, how we need to talk about it, because I'm not sure what's going on with it, and a big part of me likes it, but another part is anxious about it. But, confirming on the calendar, the first anniversary of that concert last year is Saturday. So I guess the rupture anniversary with you is Sunday (though I gave it a couple sessions before terminating). And anniversary of my ER visit (for heart palpitations) is then, I guess, Tuesday. And I'll be at the beach next week, which ties into all of that. And...I can't risk a potential conflict or your pulling way back right now, because of all that. So I'll just stay with the connectedness and maybe bring it up after I get back? Or just see how it goes?
Love,
LT

ETA: Huh, so I guess two of my biggest therapy ruptures (ex-MC and you) involve concerts in some way...

Today hubby and I booked a mini vacation for next week. We tried many communities with the with similar features as yours. Felt a little anxious because the only community with lodging available without breaking the bank is yours. Will you think I am stalking you? I hope not because we will be there. Honestly, a part of me hopes to run onto you so I can see you precious boy and you can "meet" him.

I need today to be good. I hope we can meet half way with communication/openness. I need to feel the bond, it’s been a hard week.

Right. Still too busy for me, then.

Are you new? Don't tell me to stop writing and then make some remark about you 'doing all the work'. You KNOW that I think better in writing than I do out loud. You're so different over zoom than you are in person. I'm not really sure I like it. Or maybe I've gotten what I needed from you again for this go-around and now it's up to me to implement. I hadn't planned on coming back for this long anyway.

Thank you for being on my side.
I needed that heaping helping of encouragement from Someone Who Knows.

I don't know whether it was what you intended, but I definitely felt hugged in your response to the article.

School officially starts on monday- and I don't feel ready for this.

Dear T,
I don't really want to go out someplace for a bit for an outdoor beer (partly anxiety, partly slept really poorly so tired), but I keep thinking of your words in my head and need to push myself to do that. And today's the day before the trip that it's likely to be least crowded. And I'd rather not report to you tomorrow that I didn't go. Maybe I'll just go for a half hour then get carryout.

How the hell am I going to get through this trip next week? Maybe I should just plan daily check-ins with you, instead of just the one session (though you did say you're open to scheduling a half hour phone call, too, if needed). And I suppose there's email. Sure you can't come with us? There's a sofa bed. Then you could see my family in action! Not sure your wife would so much approve of that though...

Love,
LT

ETA: Never mind, I'm not going to the place today. Maybe you'll be disappointed in me, but whatever. Certainly wouldn't be the first time...

T,

Thanks for giving me the information on my new t. Though I have to say I'm kind of nervous she won't be as helpful as you have been.

-Butterfly

Well that was rather *****y of me. Goodness. I don't really feel that way, you know. I'm sorry if I was making you do all the work last week.

Dear T

I am so glad I chose you to be my T. I thought it would be awkward meeting each other outside the therapy room so we could create art and paint together, but it didn’t feel like that at all. I like your company and being able to talk without the pressure of “doing the work”.

My next worry was that it would be then awkward having a session after, but even that was okay too. I am glad we established a clear division between our interactions in the room and outside. Both relationships are real. They both exist, just not at the same time.

Like Clark Kent and Superman

This might work after all, but I am also still cautious.

If this all ends, I am ready for it.

What's normal, T?

Finally got a rough timetable.

Classes 7.30am-1.30pm daily.

No info about lectures yet not that I really attended those anyway.

Internal exam would be in November which I already knew but obviously no date yet.

Total study time so far for today (including lectures) 2 hours in blocks.

Yesterday was 5 hours.

Turning down an invite to go to the lake with Y, C and the guy I like. I'm naturally a hermit and once a week is more than enough for me.

Minor anniversaries suck. They're the kind of thing I can't escape, but can't really tell anybody about. 28th - the cinema experience/breakdown, 2nd September - my visit to the doctor.

Dear T it is almost the 25th of the month. You know that day bothers me every month. I suppose my going into an unwell place could have had something to do with that, but maybe not. I'm not sure why I went into that unwell place just that I was very sui and down and out. I am glad I am going to see you tomorrow. I know I am wishy-washy about it, but I am glad. Just to have someone--you--in my corner. Oh, and 210 days as of tomorrow.

I’m doing good without out you now. I didn’t realize how dependent I was on you and how badly it was affecting me. I needed this break I think.

I haven’t emailed you since Sunday and I don’t know if your worried or not but I just didn’t want to email you again and you possibly read it and get worried and distracted.

I never told you that my grandma who I was very close to and saw all the time tragically died several years ago in a bizarre accident. I guess maybe I should have mentioned that in the year and 3 months we have been seeing each other? I’m sorry.

Yesterday was 4 hours today only 2 so far and it's already close to 7pm. So I don't think it will be higher.

I can feel my depression coming back.



One more day till school starts.

Dear T,
Is it OK to talk to you about how I felt sort of like a whale trying on the bathing suits and board shorts in preparation for my trip? And panic-ordered a few one-day shipping, free returns items from Amazon, in the hopes that they'll fit better? I worry I'll be talking to you about it as a male rather than as a T. Like some part of me will want you to say "You're not fat." But that's not your role. Though, with your honesty thing, who knows what you'd say? I would feel OK bringing this up with ex-T, but I think with you, it's not just that you're male, but also an athlete, and probably all cut. I'm sure you put in some work for that, but I think part of me worries you'd be judging me. Even though you know my struggles with exercise. I suppose I could bring up the topic and see how it goes...
Love,
LT

Dear T

You describe how sometimes you feel very protective of me whenever we talk about specific traumatic events.

I worry sometimes that I have manipulated you into acting that way and have decviously tried to illicit empathy from you because it feels good.