Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I feel like your acting weird towards me. And I think it’s my fault.

oh goodness 1 minute til session and i suddenly don't want it anymore

Dear T

It’s been about a week or so and I still feel the same way about our experiment to hang out outside of session to collaborate on our mutual hobby: painting. I’m glad that it’s been easy to switch from being fellow artists back to being client/therapist and then back again.

Is it sustainable? Will this work long term? Will this blow up in our faces? Who knows. All I know, right now, is it’s been tremendously helpful adding this other dimension. But so will be cautiously optimistic. I won’t go to the worst/case scenario, but I am also preparing myself to accept that our therapy relationship might suffer.

I hope it won’t.

well that went pretty darn well considering at the last minute i didn't want to show up. i'm sorry my anxious energy had me all jittery and stuff at first. but you saw how quickly that went away as soon as we started talking about my dreams. i didn't know what to talk about besides that one short dream. i suppose sometimes it works better when i don't have a plan for how the session should go and just let it happen organically. sure worked well that way today. gosh i feel so much love for you sometimes.

When I rescheduled, I had a feeling that I shouldn't have done so.
The event's been rained off, and I could really do with speaking to you.
I'm more than at capacity at the moment.

I’m so, so tired of everything. This week has been hard—I don’t remember feeling like this in a long time. Wish I could talk to you. I’m scared.

Wasn't that so totally cool about the obsidian from my dream?! Man I'm glad I looked that up last night. Psyche is awesome the way it drops stuff into dreams like that!! We just have to take the time to work with it to seeeeee how awesome it is. Don't let me forget to show you my piece. This work can be so exciting sometimes. I'm also quite invigorated from my class last night, I so enjoy learning about all things psychology. I've been wide awake since 5am and I don't start work til 7 today, last day of training for the new responsibilities I've been given. I forgot to tell you I had been thinking about going back on medication. I got shocked out of it by the high cost of an appt with pdoc. We'll see how I handle the next bout of anxiety, may still ask gp for a prn.

Dear T,
Thanks for the validation today. Pretty sure the sudden crying as I was saying goodbye was "And now I won't talk to you till Monday." Hence the text, so glad you can do Sunday. I wanted to explain, but it just feels pathetic. I just didn't want to say goodbye yet. But, as you know and have said, I'm also dealing with a lot right now...


Your validation and support do so much in helping me through it all. Like today your saying, "I really feel for you" in regard to D...that seemed genuine, not like some random T line. It felt like it was coming from *you*. Hm...maybe it's the stark contrast between you providing that vs. my parents, who I'm actually seeing in person on this vacation, who *aren't* currently providing that (and never really have)...


Love,
LT

I'm feeling highly annoyed, mainly by stupid creepy guy. Firstly this morning he caught up to me whilst I was walking to the hospital. I was doing anki cards on my phone and generally not in a talkative mood as it was early. He was going on about something and said I wasn't respecting him. He said I was being like XYZ who had killed lots of people. He'd already said sorry for the whole picking thing. I said my respect was something that had to be earned and I didn't want to stop and wait for someone else to catch up to us- so I walked to the changing room on my own.Whilst he stood there.

Point two. I came home and fell asleep after class. He was knocking on my door. I wasn't dressed and only wearing a T shirt so didn't open the door. I also ignored his message to call him. ( I respond to most whatsapp messages within 2-3 days even for close friends).

He came back knocking again- I was talking to my sisters on skype already. I could have gotten up but I didn't want to. Just because someone is knocking doesn't mean I have to answer. More messages- including the reason he was knocking anyway but why couldn't he have just put that in the first message? + stuff about me being rude and he hoped G*d would give me self understanding and respect.

I know I don't always make things easy, but I honestly don't care about being nice or apologizing.

Dear T I think our last session was disappointing. Maybe it's time to quit? But what if I go into crisis. That's what keeps me staying. Kit

Lemon! Sounds like creepy guy wants to have his cake and eat it too! What are you, his wife? If someone doesnt answer, you wait until they respond - you dont keep knocking and prodding. Do i have to come over there and teach him some respect? Tell him to go bug his new study group. He wanted to be free of you, so let you be free of him. Does he realize, he is being cruel? He is being controlling. I will be right there!

Today was the last straw. I am not going to allow myself to feel bad about more than I have to. You have taught be a lot and I will use those skills to be the best I can be but I have to draw the line here.

Well it is finished. I feel bad and maybe some regret but it is sent and we are finished. I know I said it is not your fault but in a lot of ways it is. Maybe you will learn from me what may also be impacting other clients. I guess I am now the best I am going to be.

Being on vacation seems comforting yet odd. You gave me great suggestions of places to eat and things to do. When walking the nature reserve with my husband, I imagined you walking in with you husband and son. Not in a creaky way but more of a way to connect.

I know the street you live on and am SO tempted to walk down the street but since it is a culdsac it would never appear random. Again I don't want to appear to be stalking you and I know you don't want clients to know where you live, so I will not go there. I respect you way to much. I just wish I would run into you. I have felt our connection has suffered since COVID. I think running into you would really help.

Dear T:

TW: SUI

T: It was a bit alarming to wake up to you banging on my door. I guess my email freaked you out a bit. I’m sorry. Thanks for not sending the police straight away.

Talk to you later.

Why do you tell me to send as many emails as I want then seem annoyed when I send them? I don’t even send them all the time or everyday. I like you and it hurts my feelings when you act this way towards me. I am trying and I’m not sure you are seeing that. Maybe it is me though. But then why is no one else seeing what you are seeing? I had a similar issue 6 years ago and the issue turned out to be the therapist.

With everything that's going on in the world I'm highly aware of my privilege, but I feel happy in this moment. The only thing that's changed is that I sleep more after classes. I'm studying as much as I can and I don't have any real concerns other than being on a library waiting list for books.

Dear T,
You're not gonna call them today either, are you?

LT

5 days! <3

Today is a random low day.

30 days without you.

Sorry but I disagree. This is not solvable. I am still deciding if I will hear you out

Dear T,
At least you left them a message yesterday. Though I doubt you'd hear anything before Monday. And then maybe you'd just keep ending up playing phone tag or something...


Do I tell you why I was crying at the end of session Thursday? Maybe you guessed when I hung up the Zoom, then immediately texted asking for Sunday instead of Monday?


Love,
LT

Today I’ve been writing a legit list of things I want to talk about and work on in the next session. I want to prove to you that I am trying and willing to work on things. Also I won’t take a Xanax before the next session because according to the article I was reading online therapists absolutely hate it when clients show up under the influence of medications. And I know you were upset that I had taken one. I’m worried about losing control and saying something dumb and then the therapist threatening to call the cops on me like that one time. That’s why I take Xanax before sessions. I’m scared about losing control. But I want you to know that I don’t have a ****** personality. So I’m going to honestly do better next session.

Dear T: I almost called you about a million times today. It was a hard day/night. The only thing I could think of doing (besides the obvious) was to drink. I guess it has helped some? What will I do for the next three days that you are away? I'm scared.