Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I feel like I should apologise for my 'What ****ing life?' comment, but on the other hand...Pandemic living is a life I recognise, and I never wanted to end up back there.

When I'm in retreat from the world, that is an unsafe position for me to be in, regardless of whether it's 'for safety'.

thank you for your response and for indicating that you indeed understand the poem. i'm still not feeling so good about what happened between us yesterday. but we can talk more about that.

My mood has dropped and I really miss you right now.

Not looking forward to class tomorrow.

I miss you too.

Soluble Lost is back, and I don't see you until next Thursday.
I really don't know how to do this.

Ok so I'm imagining you on this holiday (With your partner of course) and I am immediately jealous. Jealous that you have the time, money and freedom to do that. But also I'm happy for you.

If I imagine myself going there... I would eat the nicest food I could find, drink anything I fancied, have sex outside, sleep a lot and take lots of photos so I remember it all. Have fun.

Thank you for being you. We're working in the yolk now, i think?

You can be so lovely. I miss you.

Dear T: I'm really rather annoyed you didn't text me back. It was pretty much a cry for help sort of text. Even a crappy "thinking of you" would be something. Oh well, whatever. I see you tomorrow anyway. At least one of my friends texted with me yesterday and helped me sort out what I was feeling. Maybe you were too busy to text back. I know last time when I reached out when I was really unwell you said you had a couple of other clients that you were dealing with who were sui and you were possibly going to have to hospitalize them. I came second or third on your plate and you didn't have time to get to me. It's fine. Kit

Dear Pastor T: thank you for your really lovely, loving response. Funny because you aren't that way on the pulpit at all. Kit

Dear T,
Of course I feel really awkward now, even though you said you're OK with all that we talked about. I just wish I hadn't said all that stuff at the end, expressed all those concerns. That I'd saved those for the beginning of next session. But maybe we can pick up there Sunday?

Love,
LT

End of week 2: I was so tired after class I felt like crying.

On a phone call to my mother she told me to stop being grumpy and just do it. In my head I just took that as no longer telling her how I feel. I've know this for a while but she can't give me what I want.

Not sure what's up with me. Is it the gym schedule? Hormones?

Back to studying now.

ED trigger warning
I'm waning between wanting help and not wanting help until it's almost to late. I'm skipping meds. I'm scared to go to the Dr.'s she's very fit. I am not.

Dear T,
Shame, so much shame right now.
Love,

LT

Hey T: It's going to be a long weekend, but thanks for calling right before you went away. You have gone above and beyond your job in this past week.

Dear T,
You know that telling me not to stress over it isn't going to help, right? Sigh. I did get through the stuff last night OK. Guess I'll need to talk about those thoughts tomorrow.
Love,
LT

Thank you for always understanding the words behind my words.
And just lately, the words behind my tears.


I appreciate you, and I am grateful for you.

L, my friend Lost above said it so well about "understanding the words behind my words." that's the way you understood my poem. you heard what i was trying to say underneath what i did say. thank you for that.

....oh and L, I just wrote another one.... resulting out of the Active Imag I did a couple days ago. This is some really good ****, you know. Whatever that was that happened between us on Wednesday, it so sucked at the time, but it also served to shake something loose in me that needed shaking loose. I agree with you. I want to finish this too.

I’m still alive, in case you were wondering. I’m so sorry about the chaotic 4am email. I think adult me might die of shame from how much the little parts let out. They’re screaming so loud. The text didn’t help on Thursday, I’m not sure it’s going to help on the break, I don’t think they feel it. I have a hunch the teen part will wreck our last sessions before you go, she’s been way too in control, all the impulsive behaviours and I can’t seem to unblend for long enough to get a hold on it. I’m amazed I’m still here. I just wish we could be in a room together so badly, it’s been so long now and I’m losing hope. Love you and hate you, miss you and never want to see you again, cant do this anymore and can’t not do it anymore. Hope I manage to call on Tues, I think. I’m so completely lost.

UGH. I really need either of you right now. Tomorrow makes 20 years since my mom died. The one person who was always safe, loving and just there. This year is exceptionally hard. T1 I walked past your home (office) this morning because I usually brings me comfort knowing the impact you had in my life. Today it did not. T2, this evening hubby and ai decided to go out to dinner and walk around the neighborhood where your office is hoping there would be some comfort and connected feeling to you. It failed too. I stupidly have friends coming over for a bbq tomorrow when really what I want to do is sleep all day and forget that horrible day 20 years ago.

It's so hard knowing you're so ill It gives me strength knowing that I care about your health more than I do my need to see you.

I love your photos. It makes me so much calmer when I can picture where you are.

I just took my dog for another walk. At this time on a Sunday lots of dinners are being made, I like the smell coming from some houses. I like to imagine what the families are like, and who I would have been if I lived there. It made me cry on the walk, and it started to rain the same time...then I didn't feel so alone.

I haven’t emailed you since Wednesday. I haven’t even really been thinking of you. To be honest my new coping skill is so soothing I honestly have been coping just fine on my own.

Dear T,
Thanks for a good session today. I particularly appreciated the unsolicited extra reassurance at the end.

Love,
LT