Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T,
I probably should have tried talking to H tonight, but it didn't feel like the right time. I hope tomorrow isn't a total disaster with school and everything...
Love,
LT

Oops. Old habits die hard. After I emailed about my HSA card I realized you would have told me if there was a problem and we would have figured it out next week. I guess I haven't fully said goodbye to GLG yet huh. Still working on it I guess....

No place to lie down, no blanket, no you

I really hope my gut feeling is correct with this! Fingers crossed!

We had a teacher who has a reputation for being tough for the second half of class for the first time.

We were seated and given a lab sheet each. Then told to present. It sounds stupid but I honestly felt so scared of her and panicked, I had to repeat myself twice cause she couldn't heard me properly (masks). I was on the verge of spacing out. I could guess the possible disease from the enzyme elevation. Symptoms because of studying for my anesthesiology exam last year and treatment because of my time in cardio and the episode of ER I watched because you told me you were watching it. She didn't say anything else and it was all okay but I felt so threatened.

Home now but why the fudge am I crying?

Still have my dental appointment in the afternoon.

I want to sleep I'd rather not be awake. Could go to the gym, why am I not going. Could call you.im freaking out. The smoke from the wildfires in helping

I don't understand why you don't understand. I don't know if I can ever explain it in a way that you will understand. You used to understand nearly everything immediately, and not infrequently, you understood things before I did. I am worried that your inability to understand why I'm still angry is self-protective. If you fully understood that what happened unleashed old trauma in an intense and completely unproductive way, then you would probably feel horrible about yourself and your abilities. I don't want to hurt you, but I need you to really get it if we are to fully recover and move on to new things.

If I'm being honest I don't feel safe and I'm scared of you. My brain can't integrate our last three sessions with the previous three years.

Enough crying and back to studying topic 63. esophageal complications.

Dear T,
It's approaching a month since you missed our last scheduled meeting. Yes you had reached out and apologized, and I honestly understand how you missed the appointment as your stretching yourself thin.... i understand and accept even though as I explained- I had a break down earlier that week & probably should be checking in With someone.

Yes, you had provided, at the time, the next slots you had avaliable... but I didn't reach back out.

The session before the one where you didn't show, you weren't listening and I ended in tears due to no one really gets me, understands me, and again another therapist I feel has confirmed my fear that no one can really help me.

I will say this, the almost month I've had my struggles but as always my world didn't collapse because again I was alone.

I'm not sure about restarting with you And in some ways I feel guilty about tha but also not terribly- feel guilty even with the thought of restating with you.

Anyways, I've been unsure. We were having a rocky relationship anyways, but don't worry- I seem to be that way with everyone; even if I don't show it completely.

Dear T,
I'm happy to be watching football right now. I know it likely won't last the full season, and it won't be nearly the same because I don't feel safe watching it in sports bars. But it's...something?
Love,
LT

Dear T,
And I hope the recent insurance rejection of claim is some sort of clerical thing, because we listed the normal session code instead of the teletherapy one on the submissions. Because I've prepared myself for having to go back to twice a week after Election Day (with you giving me the reduced rate for a couple months). I'm not ready to do it now...or to have to pay for the full amount for the past couple months (they did approve the first couple months of it).
Love,
LT

Hi T: I have myself convinced that tomorrow you are going to tell me you can't work with me anymore. Texting you in the middle of the night was the last straw of neediness, and outside your purview. I'm so nervous.

I know you said you would send an email by this evening....please can it be sooner rather than later. I can’t stand the waiting. I don’t know if you’re going to say you can’t work with me anymore at all, or if you’re going to have thought of some way we can work face to face, or if you’re going to refer me to someone else , I’m fearing the absolute worst and I’m hiding under a blanket until it’s over. I’m trying to hard to hold on, I’m working with the MH teams I’m medicating to stay alive, I just don’t know where we are anymore, if we still exist....I’m so scared....please don’t hate me, please don’t leave me....do you have any idea how much fear I’m in right now...and then you’ll send the email and go on a break and is that it over forever? I can’t guess what you’re going to say at all, don’t know how to get through the day. Help.

Well that wasn’t what I was expecting. How can you not mention at all about face to face, about your thoughts on if and when this might happen or some way around it? You say you respect my choice to end but it’s not a ****ing choice, it’s the last ****ing thing I wanted but I can’t carry on with these phone calls. I can’t be in this world anymore. And now you’re gone for 18 days. And you expect me to call you when you’re back.This just feels like another thing I’ve done wrong. I wish I’d never started therapy I ****ing hate it all it does is cause more pain on top of the other pain and what’s the point

Dear T,
I feel better knowing that you used to be able to eat anything and not gain weight, too, and haven't been able to do that for like 15 years, even though you're an athlete and very active. I think I just had this image of you having this ideal physique and not being able to identify with the weight gain of slowing metabolism (and being more sedentary, etc.). It's interesting the particular things I feel awkward/ashamed to talk about with you. I think they tend to have to do with the image I have of you in my head. Same with ex-T, in some ways (though I felt more able to talk to her about, say, female cycle stuff, even though you've been fine about that). Hm, I guess drinking is part of that, too, because you've said you were never much of a drinker. But then it made me feel better that you used to smoke. And that you clearly have a coffee addiction.


I wonder if this is something to explore? Not specifically the stuff with you, but maybe there's something in how I see authority figures? Or just my own vision of self compared to others? Like, maybe it would be difficult for me to work with a personal trainer, for example, because I'd feel they wouldn't relate to me, that they were perfect physically? But then...it's not like I look down on people because they aren't good at editing, say... I suppose this is all the perfectionism, feeling I'm not good enough, that everyone will find me lacking because I find myself lacking. And that probably keeps me from doing a lot of things...

Love,
LT

Also, did you have to be demonstrating something with your biceps today while wearing a short-sleeve shirt?
--LT

I didn't expect your email yesterday but thanks for replying back today.

so there's only 3 sessions left now of the time period I committed to... we did accomplish one pretty huge thing this go-around. Is that enough?

So I got 19/20 on current assignment in my class, and when I saw that, i waited for the inevitable feeling of disappointment in myself (the I'm stupid, I can't do anything right stuff) to crash down on me for not getting 20/20. It never came. This feels like a miracle, t!! I think I'm really finally climbing out from under the pressures of Artie the Good Little Girl, this complex that has dominated my life for, well, most of my life. I don't feel the constant pressure of "I have to try to be perfect" so I don't get in trouble, or so that someone won't hate me, or any number of other imagined punishments. I think that I am going to have to be quite aware of this letting-go for awhile, be aware because it will try to come back, it's going to be a gradual letting go I think, but initially this is encouraging. Thank you.

I painted another doll, this one is blue. I made another thing as well but I'm embarrassed by how **** I am so I won't share it. Can you love me yet. Please.

I’m really depressed because of this weather. I also looked back at my Facebook posts from a year ago until today and things were so much better a year ago. I just feel really ****** right now. I know it’s the weather and that is what concerns me. The seasonal depression starting so early is scaring me.

Huh. Maybe you do get it. I get so angry sometimes that you seem almost like a different person. I will try to think about whether I truly believe you are the same person that you were before. Sometimes I wish my brain didn't work the way it does. It blanks out when I get upset and it forgets the good stuff when the good stuff doesn't fit my narrative. Also the black-and-white thinking usually isn't very helpful.

Still, it felt good to be close to you again.

You're not replying to any of my emails.......... I'm disappointed and really sad about that.

hey T: thank you for not bringing up the middle of the night text, and just treating it like a normal session. Though, I do not know how I am going to be able to cope with not talking to you for another week. Feels like a lifetime.