Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

.... even if it does mean, well, you know.

Anyway. Looking forward to talking more about this stuff on Wednesday. I've even remembered a couple of dreams again, how 'bout that.

Also I will try really hard to not turn off my video this week.... it's just hard dang it. I felt so stupid.

I guess I keep expecting you to email me now that your officially back again.

Surprisingly after 39 days without therapy I feel like i'm doing okay. I've also decided to drop one day of gym and want to see if that helps with the tiredness.

Stupid creepy guy's teacher isn't here for the week so they've joined our group without really asking first. He tried to talk to me but I ignored him and gave short answers.

Are you going to be super worried about me when I’m in massive surgery in a few weeks? Why do I have a feeling you will be and I’ll be all you will be thinking about that day? I know you do care.

.....

Struggling tonight...

Rough week-end and I am so relieved to be able to talk with you tomorrow.

When you said “I will talk to you Tuesday, unless we email over the weekend” I assumed you were going to actually make an effort to check your email because you knew how rough things were for me. Maybe next time, don’t get my hopes up? Now I just feel like you didn’t think about me at all, which just makes me feel worthless. I understand you are busy and have a life, just don’t act like you might be willing to extend yourself when you really just need your time.

I'm at the opening and closing emails stage again. There's so much I want to say, but it all feels like a variation on a theme.


If I don't reach out today, there's not much point.

Dear T,
Well, the first day of school has been a bit of a mess so far...and it's only 10 a.m.
Love,
LT

Just..

Am I your only client who is still struggling with teletherapy? I know I am not making progress right now; I feel like I am just treading water and getting tired. I guess treading water is better than sinking though

Dear T: thanks for reminding me I don't want to be hospitalized. I get it. I know you were trying to be helpful this last session. I wasn't participating much. I'm sorry. I just didn't care. I wanted to curl up and sleep. Pretty much like I did all afternoon after we talked. Kit

Weekly emails are absolutely not something I want to get into, but it's important to me that you know how I'm doing...without me dissolving within the first five minutes.

That was also something I didn't want to do, but seems to be an unavoidable consequence of teletherapy.

Just feeling buckets loads of guilt.

HUGS @Lemoncake

Who turned two weeks into an eternity? You are still seven days away from me. Have you thought of me at all? This is horrible. I remember when I wasn't attached to anyone and I was a hostile, gritty being. I was so much more noble than I am now; a desperate, yearning being. You have ruined me. And you won't have even given me a thought.

HI T. I know we can't keep checking in every day, that it isn't feasible or workable for you as a T. But, that's what has gotten me through each day for the past almost two weeks. I won't tell you this though, and pretend that going back to talking once a week is working. I mean, I guess it is as I haven't done it.

I think the best thing to do is going to be to stop now, or at least take a break until covid goes away, if that ever happens. I can’t continue on the phone, it’s just increasingly causing unbearable chaos for me and I don’t see a way through all this pain. I don’t think I want to talk about this on Thursday because it’s unlikely to be possible by then if at all but of course I will pay for the session. Thank you for trying to help, I guess it just really was hopeless in the end. I’m utterly heartbroken but don’t see another way

How much longerrrrrrrrr???????? :,(((((

Can you answer my email? It's been 4 days.

Just a random crying day and I'm angry.

Angry at my mother and angry at you too.

I also skipped class this morning.

Well I did tell you, by texting at 2:30 in the morning. Bad Velcro.

32 minutes and counting...

Thanks for today. For getting excited with me about the work I did since we talked last week, for understanding my poem, for the spot-on insights about my Steve dream....

...oh and I hope you knew what I mean when I was talking about "other distractions". Yes, this latest bit has been a LONG time coming.