Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

oh my GOD i hate arguing with you.

You know I really don't understand why you haven't completely given up on me by now. My issues are so deeply rooted I don't think it's possible to dig them out. I mean hell. We're coming up on 9 years and I STILL run away every time we start getting close to something. Don't let me do that this time, okay?

New T,

I'm so nervous to meet you tommorrow.

-Butterfly

T, damn, i really wish you'd reply to my email. It's been 6 days, I know you won't. But I hoped

L, what the **** am I so afraid of? What made me say that stuff? I'm actually glad you yelled at me even though it sucked at the time. I want to go as deep as we need to and get through whatever the hell it is once and for all!! I am ready!! Let's DO THIS **** and finally get 'er done. Are you game? I'm glad you said that I am ready. It's about damn ****ing time though, wouldn't you say? Ugh. I feel like such a broken idiot. Let's finish this finally. Please????

Hi T: First of all, thank you SO much for being here for me this past week. One day I might tell you how much I relied on you to stay alive. Second of all, what the H am I going to do tomorrow? I still can't make up my mind. I am leaning towards probably just trying work next week and seeing how I do. But, I'm scared. Thank you for being awesome, though.

Also please say something about the poem I sent you (that I told you I would send). I think the ideal response that I would most like to read would be "I get it". Just those 3 little words. That's all I want.

What a day..... I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted!! And that was not on a day I saw you!! I let fear in and it disables me. I can't believe this.

.... and NOW, after psych class is done, I am setting about getting nice and drunk.

OMG just FIX me already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please! I hate msyelf for all the times I have run away from therapy. where has directive youi BEEN all this time? As much as I hate it, I ****ing NEED it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One good thing anyway that's come out of this ****ing stupid pandemic.

i love you.


too much.

i'm sorry i'm such a burden.

Please don't hate me.

i want to drunk email you SOOOOOOOOOOO Obadly rightnow. i know better. I can't. I won't. I won't. i won't.


I WON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

m aybe i am finally feeling as broken a s i need to , to finnaly finally finaly ****ing fnish this and go as deep as we nee dto to get to the root o fmy issues. i am ****ing petrified of this L . WHY?!?!!!??!?!?!?!?! what can be so ****ing bad in my spoiled ******* lifel that wo uld make me actdlive this? what!?!?!?!?!!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DEMAND TH AT YOU FIX ME NOW!! JUST FIX ME!!

do you know that part of me wantdto just hang u pon youtoday/ i ma proud of myself tha ti didnt'. i stuck it out and i kept looking at you and lettin gyoulooke at me and stupid zoom. i wanted to be ther ein person but maybe you would not have been so directive if i were. maybe zoom is ab lessing in disguese. i NEED directive you. Bring her next time. I hate it, but at the same time, I NEED It.

if I had a million do llars to spend on just therapy, would i be able to call you right now and talk to you? i HATE what happened between us todya. I hate it. I am hurting. I want to talk to you. And i can't. I hate the limitations on this confounded relationship. iwantyouiwantyouiwantyouiwantyou I AM SORRY FORBEING A ***** TODAY

I want you now damn it!!!! But no. I cannot of course have you at ****ing midnight. I doubt you would be able to handle me a nyway i fyou knew how truly ****ed upi reall y am. ****.

Well. After almost 9 ****ing years I am FINALLY reaching the point where I can show you exactly who I am and not nee dot be the good littel girl and trust that you will stil hel ;pme

Dear T,
Sorry for the cryptic email, but these thoughts aren't going away and I need to discuss them. I hope you haven't already done your morning emails, though I don't know what exactly you'd say in response. Probably just confirming my comment that it would be OK if you were a bit uncomfortable. I'm sure you're sitting there thinking I'm going to say I'm in love with you, hence my saying it's probably not exactly what you're thinking. Oh gees, I hope you now aren't thinking that I'm stalking you or something... but the way I wrote about it, you should have *some* guess, I'd think, that likely isn't that. Plus there was another time when I was being vague, and you assumed it was about romantic feelings, when it wasn't (that was nice and awkward...). I just keep thinking of how you said the one time that if, say, a client told you they thought you looked hot that day, it would "live in the relationship." Which I guess to me means the relationship would cease to be the same. But then, maybe that's OK? It's not like you said it would ruin it.

Maybe I should just sort of gloss over it. No, that would defeat the point, wouldn't it? But then, I don't need to go into *every* detail, of course.


Also wondering if you'd be open to using the chat feature in Zoom for part of it...
Love,
LT

5 weeks without you now exactly and £225 not spent. Sorry but I like having extra money .

I bought each of my two new groupies a chocolate croissant from the bakery this morning. Might carry on doing that on thursdays as it's nice to have things to look forward too.

Dear T,
Hope it's not weird that I added that little parenthetical, but I figured that's where your mind would naturally go. I really hope you say something to me this morning and this wasn't one of those mornings when you checked all your email at 7 am, so wouldn't reply till tomorrow.

Love (platonic!),
LT

Dear T,
Thanks for the smiley in your reply--made me feel more at ease.

Love,
LT

Please respond... ugh

Dear T: I think I'm stuck and I'm tired of pushing through. I want to just let myself go and spiral out of control and have to deal with the aftermath later. Of course I know I don't really want that, but it just feels like it would feel so good. HUG Kit

i should have tried that yesterday....

"good little girl" is nowhere in sight this morning and I am feel very much less than charitable about you at the moment. I wonder if conflict won't be as scary without her in the picture??