Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

apparently i like to push boundaries, T, and emailed you in the middle of the night. I guess it’s better than texting? I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s bound to happen.

Trying to find the words to describe just how much pressure has lifted from me; it's like I can finally just be myself 'cause I don't have to try to be anything else anymore. I feel... lighter. Unfettered.

I'm just so sad and overwhelmed by school again.

I don't want to start again with a new T but can't bring myself to email asking for a session.

It's already been 45 days without you.

Don't know what to do.

I walked past your road today. I miss you. It was nice seeing the sea where you swim again. I had forgotten how much I enjoy that space.

I'm glad you're sitting in your office to do our zoom sessions, as opposed to somewhere else in your house. I like seeing the wall hanging above the couch; that's the first thing I would always look at when I'd come in and it's like, a signal to my brain or something if that makes any sense. So thanks for that.

I am starting to hate video therapy sessions... Ha.

Dear T,
I feel like screaming right now. But I won't i'll just vent here.. im teetering on not seeing you again.

I let you know the issue, yes probably just a simple error but there's toooooooo many of those with us i feel like .. i had more than one no show from you but this past one was a taker.

I can't help but to wonder- did you charge for the missed appointment by YOU just for me to reach out?
I'm sure it's a simple fix but whatever

So much more but then that be a session

Is this normal? I am starting to love you like you were my mother. In fact I wish you were my mother. Your kids are really lucky to have you.

Dear T: You are too good to me. What would I do without you?

Arggh, you said you reply to most emails. I email you twice about an important thing about my partner's mental health and the moving situation, and you don't bother to respond?

I am doing a lot of deep breathing over the past few days. I think it helps, but I wish I didn't have to rely on it so much.

I'm upset that you're going on vacation. There's nothing deep or complex about my feelings, so I'm not going to waste time discussing them.

Dear T,
I'm wondering if the stuff with my mom reacting to my cousin's daughter is dredging up something else. I mean, I'm definitely not trans, but just other questioning about sexuality and stuff that went on when I was younger...and wondering what would have happened if I'd gone in another direction, how my parents would have dealt with that. And this suggests that, at least my mom, wouldn't have dealt well. Do I talk about that with you? I don't know.
Love,
LT

Dear T, f**k you. I am really done for good this time.

I'm at a loss of words. I want to call but I fear you won't be able to hear me, because of the smoke in the atmosphere
Yet I need to be heard and not felt like I'm being brushed off

Yet I need something, someone, strength, support.

It seems like no one can help. I want to call you, but I'm scared. It's been a rough day. I hoped to get some assignments in but that didn't happen.

Hi T: I know I've never been hugely receptive to hugs...but when you left my house the other week and said you would force me to hug you if it weren't for Covid...I still think about that a lot. Why do you seem to care?

Withdrawing is not a good place for me to be. Life seems to demand an abundance of courage at the moment, not the kind that I am using in getting from one end of the day to the other.

I'm really surprised you didn't reply to her email asking for help. Now what example does that set. She is used to being ignored, let's ignore hate the child part together.

T, really???

If you answer my email, could you show some warmth? You sound as cranky as my husband does. Geez.

Feeling extremely sorry for myself.

- 4 weeks in and the tiredness hasn't gone away and it feels like it's worse. I have to sleep during the day too after classes. The mornings are bad. I'm already tired of school. I have two 2x hours sessions with the teacher I really don't like on tuesday and Wednesday.

I feel resentment towards my mother for always pushing me into medicine and at this point I want to do want to quit. My life feels pointless. I feel like she could not accept me as I was. I always had to be better. Same with you. I do feel rejected by you even though you're emailing about rescheduling our next session.

I also feel the pangs of loneliness. The two members of my trio group have this habit of talking to each other in portugese mainly and occasionally translating. I know that I wasn't close to them before.

All of this just my usual depression coming back?

I did send you an email asking for a session but recalled it. Not sure if it worked or not.

Dear T,
I'm really bothered by a couple things you said today, but I'm not sure how to talk to you about them, or if you'll even understand why I'm bothered? This is a huge negative to your feeling you can be more open with me, because maybe you're not putting as much thought into how what you're sharing might affect me. Considering what I'd just shared like 15 minutes before... I know I acted like I understood and agreed on some level, but that was just me being protective of myself, I think...

LT

Thank you SO much for saying yes to my request.

Are you going to be weirded out by the email I sent? Is it too much? I hope you reply, but I know you probably won’t. I haven’t reached out in 7 months...

I'm so excited to see you face to face on Wednesday for the first time since March. So excited. It feels like Christmas eve eve. I'm also incredibly nervous.