Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Why do you say I’ve been holding out on the emails but you don’t actually answer the ones I send you? When you don’t answer it makes me feel like I’m saying the wrong thing or like I’m annoying you. So no duh I’m not gonna send more.

I really don't know how I can feel any differently about this pandemic, you know. I guess I really need to use all of this to change my perspective and let it make me fully LIVE my life while I still have it. Or maybe that was your whole point in the first place and I just misunderstood.

I feel like I have really strange transference with you. I think you think I want to have sex with you, but it's so much more complicated and not really erotic or not like I've read about anyway .I really wish it was a sex thing, that seems easier to approach and discuss. I wish you were here.

Dear T,
Well, OK, I may have been a bit fail in the drinking today, but it was socially with H while we were talking about stuff. Well, the one beer was processing session, I guess, but still....

Love,
LT

Dear T,
I'm sort of obsessed with this song that was on the 13 Reasons Why soundtrack, "." I almost want to play it for you, but it's sort of romantic, so seems inappropriate. But it also makes me think about how life was so different nearly 3 years ago, when I met you. That was before Covid, of course. But also before ex-MC hurt me. And before...the concert. Before so many things. Life was a different world then. I miss it so much...I want that innocence back.... I think the song is also about the beginning of anything...how it's so innocent and hopeful. I miss those moments...

Love,
LT

I’ve heard some bad stuff about the vacation destination your going to this week and that’s one of the reasons my family member who live there told my mom and I to pull out ourself for our Labor Day trip there. I didn’t want to scare you though. I’m honestly very scared about your health though.

Dear T,

Thank you for replying to my email, but I would feel better if I could see you to know you were ok. *sigh* I hate that my appointment today was cancelled and the next week is going to really suck.

I'm surprised he lasted 13 days . Deep down I already knew my father being nice to me wouldn't last. Crying in my sister's room because I am hurt.

Four days left to my flight back....

Zero messages to you. I don't feel safe.

I honestly didn't expect to cry so much today.
The aftermath of this one's going to be Quite Something.

i'd been looking forward to talking tomorrow morning but now.... not so much... wondering what the point even is to reading you this stuff I wrote... it's so all-fired embarrassing although what's funny about that is you likely figured this out a long *** time ago so if you already know it, why's it embarrassing now?!

What a boring day!!!! I'm so over it. Spent my work shift watching TV. Yes I know I got paid but I couldn't do my job. It makes me want to quit. I'm there for a reason, so please let me do my job person!!!

I'm drained. I had an appointment with med provider and I didn't say what I wanted too. I hate virtual visits when family is here. I hav so much to talk about and I feel like I can't! I'm just so over today. And I'm mad that I couldn't say what I wanted/needed to. I need to vent!! I have a lot to do and I'm very distracted tonight. I need a reset.

...it also doesn't help one bit that Little Artie was watching the storm earlier and wishing she could sit with you and watch it. Sigh. Silly Little Artie.

It's her that wants to see a flower in your hair, you know. Yep, silly Little Artie.

I hope you're not mad at me for dropping out of grad school. That is all.

**** YOU.... I downplay.... I don't exaggerate!

Dear Info,

It’s like everyone focuses on the cat and not me. But she’s fine now. I am not okay.

ATAT

It’s been 3.5 years since I last saw you. Most of the time I’m okay. But I saw a new photo of you at work on social media. Your hair is so silver now. You only had a few flecks back then. And we’re the same age. I miss you a lot. I’ve still made some dumb decisions but trying to get most things right.

23 minutes and counting. Major tummy butterflies. Be gentle, warm T today. Leave Authoritarian T in bed today, please. And Little Artie still wishes you'd wear a flower in your hair and she won't let that go.

Dear T,
I imagine it was incredibly telling that I apologized to you for "whining" about the physical pain I'm in right now. If that doesn't encapsulate some stuff about lessons I was taught during childhood... Thanks for being empathetic. I will look into the Aleve and whether I might not have an issue with that despite being allergic to ibuprofen.
Love,
LT

how can i ever even begin to thank you for being so patient with me?!

Frustrating news today - turns out my support worker wasn't exactly wrong, just a week ahead of schedule.
Masks and visors from Monday.

Had a nightmare last night and I was talking in my sleep. Woke up to my little sister comforting me in bed. I feel like she's grown up so much without me here.

I just feel low and sad.

Flight in 3 days.
First day of school in 9 days.

I'm beyond frustrated, and angry. A lot has come up and I wish this was an office visit today!!! Instead we have to deal with virtual I'm on edge right now. I'm trying to deal with family in town and an unsafe environment, not physically just emotionally. I want to scream then run!!! I had a lot of road rage today. I'm mad at the world! Work is tipping me more in the edge. I need a relief!!!! Yet when we talk at 6, I may not have privacy. And this I feel could be a difficult session.

Dear T,

Okay. You help me realize that I don't want to go camping with my BF who may or may not give a crap about me and all his buddies who I don't know. Because you feel protective of me and think I deserve better. I decide not to go, at the very last possible minute. I email you about it. And... silence.

See, this is the thing. Being with a guy who may not see a future with me sucks, but it's better than silence.

-c

Yeesh that was so embarrassing this morning reading that stuff to you. I think I was right though about how I needed to tie all that stuff together in order to heal that bit, precisely because it was so complicated. It had to be complete, before it could heal. Partway wasn't enough. I can hold Little Artie tight now as we heal that part together.

Going through another phase of missing you to the point of it being intrusive. Not just the company but the work too. I've lost so much this year and it's been so stressful. I'd like so much to come talk with you, my head on your back & holding the bottom of your jumper. I'm in desperate need of some comforting quiet safe space.