Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T,
...and rupture in 3...2...1 after you read that email. Unless you handle it OK and aren't all defensive and stuff. I'm hoping for the "handling it OK" option.

--LT

Dear T

As much as you annoy me, lately because you keep trying to get me to express my anger, II can’t help but grow fond of you. Especially when you email me saying things like this

“Please leave all primness, properness and well-behavedness in the waiting area when you arrive. You can collect them again when leaving the premises”.

It’s still really uncomfortable showing anger though.

If you ask why I couldn’t push through and had to reschedule I’ll give you the honest truth. I was upset at you that you didn’t reschedule last week because you were sick and I felt like you were taking it out on me. So I didn’t want to be “that” guy. So I took control of the situation. I also don’t think you realize the progress I’ve made regarding my mood swings and the ability to handle change.

Dear T,
Why did you divert the discussion away from where it was today? I needed to talk about that. It seemed you had your own discomfort that led you to shift it. But you need to push past that and let me talk...I need to address this.
Love (trying to be optimistic here),
LT

Dear T,
Glad we can talk tomorrow, but still afraid it won't go in the way I'd need it to...
Love,
LT

Dear T: You are seriously awesome. I love that you called today and told me you felt better knowing i’m going to the clinic. You make me want to give you a giant hug, and i’m not a huggy person. Thank you for being you.

Dear T: I'm afraid you would want to put me in the hospital if I told you how depressed I really am lately. So I don't tell you everything. I'm sure you understand. I'm hoping you can help me anyways without knowing just how down I am.

i'm sure struggling right now with the stress of h's stomach pain (he interrupted my class tonight because he's so uncomfortable, but there's nothing I can do, he won't let me take him to the hospital), diabetic cat doing so poorly, and the audit, I feel like I'm losing whatever progress I'd been making lately.

I actually hope you’ll reply to this one. I’m feeling pretty raw about it. Though I’d understand if you don’t, well just talk next time. But still. I feel kinda naked here. Just one line? Please? Ugh.

Dear PDoc &T-

Are you both clueless? I am DEPRESSED. The antidepressants are not working anymore....no one is listening to me...WHY?
I know how I feel, you do not..so prescribe something else, stop adding meds, allow me to speak about what I want to.

I'm feeling a bit better and not as bad as yesterday.

The second class with the doctor wasn't as bad as I imagined in my head. Still have another session with her tomorrow.The guy I like was also there and he helped go through the ECGs with me. He later asked if we were okay. I haven't been going down to have lunch with the others during the break. I told him that I was struggling with my depression and I needed quiet time . He was cute and said I had people who cared about me.

I actually emailed a new T- but he's only got sessions available in the mornings.

Dear T,
Nervous about today's session...please be caring and not defensive, OK?
Love,
LT

My brother goes back to seeing his therapist in person today. Every session will be in person. Yet I’m still getting the run around and your saying “maybe” one or 2 in person sessions this YEAR. What the actual ****?

Dear T: Thanks for being lovely. I'm not trying to be difficult by not journaling. Maybe I'm just lazy. I feel better that you said it can just be a word or two.
Love you

Kit

10 hours 20 minutes until the first return-after-your-holiday session. I am not prepared! I had planned on oodles of reflection, journaling, self-care, somatic work, insightful realisations, amazing awareness, intra personal growth. I had planned on being the best client ever upon your return! Instead I spent the time getting drunk and avoiding everything like an avoidant old drunk. This must be your fault. Anyway, 10 hours 15 minutes now! I have missed you, but I won't tell you.

Dear T,
Thank you. I understand more now. And I'm glad we finally got to talk about your fluffy white dog.
Love you,
LT

I think you must probably hate me by now.

I was at the doctors yesterday and they had the Kelly Clarkson Show on. I rarely get turned on by people. But she was smoking yesterday and it made me feel weird because I don’t feel that way about people. And I don’t know if I should tell you because I’m worried you’ll think I like you. Honestly sometimes I do think your hot but I’m really just turned on by objects. So I don’t know....

I'm actually going to see your face today! That's if my car makes it... i prolly shouldn't be driving it so far...

The lesson I was dreading with the teacher I didn't like ended up being really good the same as yesterday. I was just scared of getting things wrong and looking like an idiot but it was okay there were lots of things the others didn't know either.

I was going through my labs with the guy I like who is the smartest in our year. I changed my answer to what he had said when we discussed it but I was actually right

You've offered a session on friday which haven't accepted yet. Possible new T F said that he could also do tuesday afternoons. I get a good vibe from him and also noticed that he's been able to pick up on using the nickname I send emails to and replies very quickly to emails.

Thank you for replying to one email, T. I appreciate it.

I am so £ucking tired of hearing that I am difficult. I know that, I live it. I don't need to hear it on repeat from you. I feel shame. I don't want you near me. Why were you so persistent about meeting up? I told you I didn't care that much about it. And why did we spend 25 minutes talking about using the camera when I have explained repeatedly and politely that I don't want to do that? It's not my fault that you are too stupid to understand. You were so loving before you went away. You must have left your heart on holiday.

I didn't take the appointment you offered which I asked for- during my anxiety attack on monday, because I can't do it. The idea of seeing you makes me too nervous .

I don't think I will me emailing the other T back either. I can't open up to somebody new right now.

If I get back to having suicidal feelings then I will.

Now I want to email back.

Just going to leave it.

What is wrong with me?

P.s none of my old best friends said happy birthday without facebook there to remind them. Just my sisters and my brother= think that says it all.

p.p.s it also wasn't okay to call me melodramatic.

it's not that long, for goodness sake. but i've never done anything like this before either, even when i've had the flu or something. how odd. i'm just SO stressed over this audit, and h and cat both being sick. i know i'm going to have to or i won't be able to continue focusing on work and school. and how can i take care of h and cat if i don't take care of myself? I was doing SO well before this latest thing. Damn damn damn.