[Merope]

I accidentally sent my T's friend a Facebook friend request which I cancelled within seconds. Then I blocked her and temporarily deactivated my account. I plan to buy a plane ticket and move to the other side of the world but not before throwing my laptop into a very deep lake first.

In all seriousness, I feel bad for shopping, I think it's lockdown boredom and missing seeing him in person. I was on his FB profile and had a quick look at his friends for no reason other than curiosity. Then I accidentally clicked on "add friend" and started having palpitations.

How likely is it that his friend will get a friend request notification from me if my account is deactivated and she is blocked? And if she does (maybe her email notifications are switched on) it's unlikely that she will make the connection between T and I. I hope?

I'm scared he'll find out and chuck me out of therapy for this. The snooping wasn't a mistake, but the friend request was! I'm an idiot.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Oh God, I really worry about doing this as I frequently check the page of a close relative of my T. I'm super careful about avoiding the 'add friend' tab but even so it's very easily done, especially on smaller devices, so don't beat yourself up about it. I would probably react in a very similar way, plus be absolutely terrified about facing my T at our next session in case her relative happened to mention the request (which I suspect they would).

I don't have any idea how the technicalities work I'm afraid. I still worry about whether people can see if I have looked at their page and whether if facebook suggests you as a friend if you have looked at their page. I don't trust any of it. I wish I didn't look at the relative's page but it's hard not to.

I'm sure you won't be thrown out of therapy though! You won't be the first client to have done similar I feel sure, and you won't be the last. If you can contact him by text or email maybe drop him a line and apologise for the mistake so he can pass it onto the friend?

[SlumberKitty]

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I get random friend requests all the time which I just ignore because I don't know who the people are. So unless the friend of the T knows who you are, I wouldn't worry about it. HUGS Kit

[Shotokan]

If his friend doesn't know you, he more than likely won't say anything to him. There's even a chance that your request disappeared since you deactivated your account.

I think the person will have received the request, even though you have deactivated your account. However, if they try and click through to view your profile the link will be dead. How likely is it that this person will make a deliberate effort to contact your therapist to tell them that they received an apparently random friend request on Facebook, the profile for which is now dead? This is a much bigger deal for you because of your anxiety and dread than it is for anyone else who is associated with the request.

[Merope]

Thank you all. I’m probably being super anxious and overthinking. Still, I think I’ll keep my account deactivated for a few days just in case. Maybe she won’t even give it a second thought.

[Merope]

I just really hope T won’t find out and terminate me for boundary violation. I really didn’t mean to. I want to crawl under a rock and hide.

I doubt anyone will say anything. Dont worry about it.

[Omers]

Oh that stinks! I’d go nuts!!! And I know my T wouldn’t care.

[Lostislost]

Don't worry, it's not a boundary violation as anyone could have done it. I added my T on purpose on Facebook at the start of therapy, I thought it would be ok.

He rejected the request. He didn't mention anything of it until I did, and he just told me there's personal information about him on there so we can't be friends.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Merope

I accidentally sent my T's friend a Facebook friend request which I cancelled within seconds. Then I blocked her and temporarily deactivated my account. I plan to buy a plane ticket and move to the other side of the world but not before throwing my laptop into a very deep lake first.

In all seriousness, I feel bad for shopping, I think it's lockdown boredom and missing seeing him in person. I was on his FB profile and had a quick look at his friends for no reason other than curiosity. Then I accidentally clicked on "add friend" and started having palpitations.

How likely is it that his friend will get a friend request notification from me if my account is deactivated and she is blocked? And if she does (maybe her email notifications are switched on) it's unlikely that she will make the connection between T and I. I hope?

I'm scared he'll find out and chuck me out of therapy for this. The snooping wasn't a mistake, but the friend request was! I'm an idiot.

You could explain that it was an accident because you were doing something else not knowing that you befriended his friend. If you were ask.

[Merope]

Thank you all. I think I’m going to try and forget about it and keep my Facebook deactivated for a while. Seems like a good time for a social media break. You’re all right, it’s illogical to think this person will give a random friend request cancellation much of a thought. And why would they even choose T out of all their friends to tell him about it? I certainly don’t pay that much attention when I receive friend requests from people I don’t know.

[Flinders40]

I think you’re making the right choice. Besides, how would the friend even establish a connection between you and your therapist?

[Merope]

Originally Posted by Flinders40

I think you’re making the right choice. Besides, how would the friend even establish a connection between you and your therapist?

Thank you! Considering that the friend lives in a different country than T and that they’re semi-famous and probably have lots of contacts....I doubt they will make the connection between T and I.

But I wasn’t feeling very logical last night. My anxiety took over and convinced me he would know somehow. I even made a list of plausible excuses, just in case.

[Sarah1985]

For piece of mind. If you cancelled the friend request, she would no longer get the notification. So you are good!

[Merope]

I think this really triggered something for me. As time passes, I find it extremely hard to stop myself from thinking about it and from getting angry with myself. I wish I could talk to T about it but I can’t bring myself to because I’d have to admit I was snooping and even though he knows I’m prone to investigate, I couldn’t admit to looking at his Facebook friend list. It would have been easier it I accidentally added him...at least that would have been easier to explain.

I can’t shake off the feeling that I’ve crossed a line and that it will have serious consequences, like he will somehow know about it and not want to work with me anymore. I know it was an accident and that logically it’s unlikely he will find out, but the irrational part of me feels like I deserve to be punished for doing this. I feel like I’m trying to cover up a murder or something.

I keep making up scenarios in my head, what he’ll say next session about it and what my defence will be. Play dumb, pretend his friend was in my “people you may know” list; cat sat on my keyboard etc. I had just managed to get my pandemic angst under control and this really derailed it. I don’t know how to calm down, I’ve been on edge all night and all of today. I know I’m overreacting, I just don’t know why. Maybe a deep fear that deep down I’m a terrible person who doesn’t deserve to have him in my life and sooner or later I will self-sabotage.

I’m sorry I keep posting about this, please feel free to ignore. It might just take me a while to accept the logic of it all and try let it go. I got my Facebook back and changed the settings so that it’s super private. Everything looks ok. I haven’t been blocked either by T or by his friend. I think everything is ok. I just don’t feel like everything is ok and I don’t know how how to get back on track. My friends keep reassuring me that nothing will come of it, that it’s actually a bit of a funny story, but I just can’t see it that way.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I understand why you're feeling like this as I can imagine myself feeling and thinking exactly the same way. I have an intense fear about crossing a line and being told 'this is the last straw' even though logically I know this won't likely happen.

Could you try and address this with T more generally without mentioning Facebook? You could bring up the fear that you'll cross a line and he won't work with you. I've mentioned this to my T before. You could explore the fear together without delving into anything specific. It sounds especially important to talk about the bad feelings towards yourself.

Alternatively, would it help to have a 'plan of action' to explain the accidental friend request if it ever did come up (I think it's so unlikely)? Maybe say that this person has a similar name to an old friend who popped up and you accidently clicked on the wrong person. Something like that.

I really feel for you as I know this is horrid. If it helps, please know loads of people look up their therapists and their relatives/friends on Facebook. It's really quite a common thing. If a therapist has a Facebook page they are going to expect it to happen at least once in their career, probably many times.

[SnappingRope]

Wouldn't worry about it. Your therapist's friend presumably has no way of knowing you're their friend's patient in the first place. If they did that would be a breech of doctor patient confidentiality and your therapist would have more to worry about than you do with regard to behaving inappropriately.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

I understand why you're feeling like this as I can imagine myself feeling and thinking exactly the same way. I have an intense fear about crossing a line and being told 'this is the last straw' even though logically I know this won't likely happen.

Could you try and address this with T more generally without mentioning Facebook? You could bring up the fear that you'll cross a line and he won't work with you. I've mentioned this to my T before. You could explore the fear together without delving into anything specific. It sounds especially important to talk about the bad feelings towards yourself.

Alternatively, would it help to have a 'plan of action' to explain the accidental friend request if it ever did come up (I think it's so unlikely)? Maybe say that this person has a similar name to an old friend who popped up and you accidently clicked on the wrong person. Something like that.

I really feel for you as I know this is horrid. If it helps, please know loads of people look up their therapists and their relatives/friends on Facebook. It's really quite a common thing. If a therapist has a Facebook page they are going to expect it to happen at least once in their career, probably many times.

Thank you for this.

I have mentioned my fear of being too much in the past, usually after snooping. He always says it’s fine, but he doesn’t know the details. I always convince myself that if he knew how much I managed to find out about him, he’d be creeped out and terminate me. So it’s a double edged sword: the fear of being honest and the need to be honest and come clean. I think I need his reassurance that I still matter to him as a client and he won’t give up on me. I’ve never done anything more than look at what’s publicly available, but I still feel tremendous guilt over it. I knew everyone does it and if a friend told me they did this I’d be reassuring them that it’s ok. I just don’t feel like I deserve the same consideration, for reasons that go back to childhood and the way my family was with me. I feel like a ticking time bomb that’s going to explode and prove to him just how bad I really am.

I have an idea of what I would say if he asked me about it, which logically I know he won’t. I’m torn between keeping quiet until I calm down and can see things rationally and logically, and telling him what I did because I can’t stand feeling like this anymore. I think the latter is ill-advised because I could be creating a problem where there are none.