Couch 216: The Baseball Couch

So, Dr. T was conducting session from his house today. I was looking down and heard him say, "Sorry about this." I looked up, and there was a fluffy white dog in his lap. He ended up petting her for most of the session, which was incredibly adorable, and I was trying not to react to it much. I asked if it was a poodle, and he said poodle-Bichon Frise mix (sp?), which...is not the dog I'd have predicted for him (maybe his wife picked it out?). I asked her name, saying, "Is it 'Dog'"? (as he just calls the office fish "Fish"). I didn't think he'd tell me, but he shared it--adopted dog, the name she came with. Something really unusual, so won't share on the crazy chance someone knows him.

And it didn't hit me until after session that I'd just had that dream of him petting a guinea pig all session. So weird.

I just read through the choices for our first discussion post in Developmental Psych, and one of them is to discuss the patterns of Attachment Theory and use an example of one of the types that we may have seen. This made me laugh because all I can think of is my stupidly annoying, never-ending attachment to L that led me to call her today and schedule 2 more video sessions. Although - I still do think that if she'd never emailed me to check in and see how I was doing and offer a session - I would probably not have let myself call her and we wouldn't have talked a couple days ago. My fear of losing myself in the relationship again is stronger than my attachment to her, it seems. But both are pretty strong.

So is that secure attachment, insecure attachment, or whats the other one? It wouldnt be indifferent, would it? They are all strong, unfortunately.

Aww. My residency graduation is coming up this Sunday (though I still have two more weeks of work after the ceremony hahahaha), and I mentioned this to T. He talked a bit about how I'm different from when we first started working together two years ago. And then he said he was proud of me for all the progress I've made in therapy, and congratulations on graduating from residency, and he got all choked up. It felt really nice.

Its like Chicago Hope all over again!

Eta - cuz i picture you as Maura Tierney? And everybody was always studying and graduating on that show, which i am probably mixing up with late season ER?

At the gym my nose suddenly started bleeding while I was lifting weights. That can’t be good.

I wasn’t even doing anything new or different or especially strenuous.

Aw, that's really sweet!

Wasnt it you just talking about allergies, or am i confusing you with someone else?

There i go again, minimizing! At least i caught myself before i hit post.

Is a nosebleed unusual for you? They are almost a hobby for me. Like quarterly. I guess with change of season. More home heating, less swimming or showers, stuff like that. A dab of Vaseline usually takes care of it for me. Its gross tho.

Eta - do i get any points for refraining from lecturing you on how standing on your head has probably weakened your nose veins forever?

My first calm thought was allergies. I haven’t had a nosebleed since I was a kid, though.

I have yet to successfully stand on my head...except when trying to understand your posts.

I don't know. I haven't read the material yet

Maybe a nasal polyp?

The other attachment type is disorganized and it's a barrel of laughs, let me tell you.

ETA - Or maybe you meant ambivalent.

I don’t think psychiatry has realized the full range of names it could give attachment styles.

They could have:
-dramatic (“pay attention to me pay attention to me”)
-feline (“I’ll deal with the human when it suits me”)
-super glue (no explanation required)
-canine (“I love love love love love you”)
-fish (“overfeed me with love and I’ll go belly-up”)

I identify with 2 of those when it comes to L and I don't even need to tell y'all which 2, do I?

So I called L, explained myself and we scheduled 2 more video sessions. She said again that I could come in person we'd just have to follow the rules (sit farther apart, wearing masks, I can't use her restroom, etc) I might consider one in person but I dunno yet. Yeah, she's probably sitting there wondering why she ever got tangled up with me in the first place or at the least wishing she had insisted on referring me to someone else before she moved out of state way back when.

Hey Artie...

Please be careful about catastrophising. L is likely thinking nothing of the sort.

You are worthy of support.

She reached out to you. I doubt she's thinking any of that.

Avoidant
Anxious/preoccupied (raises hand for that one)
Disorganized (as someone else mentioned)

I resonate strongly with feline attachment. When I want attention, I desperately want attention. When I don't, I don't.

But I'm so good at it! All kidding aside, thank you.


Good point, thank you.

Artie, what happened to that list of other therapists you came up with months and months ago? I thought the plan was to call one of them up when you start feeling the pull to go back to L...

You're right, that was the plan for going back to longer-term therapy. I did email one at one point but never got a response so I guess he's not taking new clients or isn't even working with the pandemic who knows. I back-burnered that idea for the time being. With all the insanity in the US right now I wanted L. I just can't help it.

I understand. At least you made the effort.

Or CPS caseworker texted me today to schedule a time on Monday to come over for a visit. I have mixed feelings on dealing with it on Monday. I found out through my son's therapist that my H brought up my SH in his half of the CPS case meeting last week. It's not that they don't know it is an issue with me because I've spoke to our caseworker about it in the past. I just don't feel like it was appropriate for him to bring into his part of the meeting when that wasn't addressed with me first. I guess I feel defensive and attacked...not by CPS but by H. He didn't give me a warning or tell me afterwards.