[KLL85]

With my previous T who I saw for 10 months, I never once cried in a session and was pretty good at keeping my emotions under control.
I have started seeing a new T who in total I have seen 8 times, including 2 assessment sessions. For the last 3 sessions I have ended up crying quite a lot for a large amount of the session.
It’s something that makes me uncomfortable, which I think comes from being raised in an environment where showing emotion was not allowed.
I try to stop myself in session but when I do my T tells me that I need to let myself feel what I feel and not shut down. Other than that she doesn’t really acknowledge that I’m upset, no real reassurance just tell me that it’s normal to be upset over painful things. She just kinda carries on and gives me time to sob silently, which I find takes me back to being a child and getting ignored when I was crying.
So I guess I’m just trying to work out whether showing this emotion is productive or not. It feels like I’m wasting sessions and I just need to get on with the talking and I feel stupid for crying so often and like my T must think I’m ridiculous. I’m not sure why I’ve suddenly gone from being able to hold it together in sessions to now being an emotional wreck.

[MissUdy]

Hi, I think crying and showing emotion is definitely a good thing. I’m sure they don’t think you are ridiculous or stupid, therapists have tissues in their office for this reason. I cry loads in therapy, I never used to. I usually talk at the same although I don’t know if he can understand me lol. You don’t need to hold it together in sessions, it’s where you can safely fall apart if you need to.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Thanks for posting, KLL. I understand your point.
Teletherapy seems to have opened the floodgates for me.
It's hard being that vulnerable, and being essentially alone with it.

I hope you are able to find a way to feel better about what's going on for you.

[ElectricManatee]

I think this is incredibly important to bring up with your therapist. It sounds like you have already made the connection between how you feel about crying in therapy and how your emotions were treated when you were a child. Noticing that is huge!

I was surprised at how my therapist barely reacted the first time I cried in session. Normally a friend might try to hug you or soothe you, but I think therapists under-react as a way to encourage you to feel your emotions without judging them or trying to stop them. That said, given your history, it makes a lot of sense that you feel ignored and judged by your therapist's non-response.

These could be really important things to explore if you feel okay bringing them up in session. I highly doubt that your therapist thinks you are ridiculous, and seeing that it's really okay to cry in front of another person might be pretty liberating.

[TishaBuv]

@ElectricManatee, thanks for saying that. No therapist ever explained to me their non reaction, so I did feel bad about the non response. If only they had told me...

@KLL85, I hope releasing your natural emotions helps you. I can’t imagine emotions not being allowed and actually being able to hold them back.

[LonesomeTonight]

Maybe there's something about this T that makes you feel safer about letting out your emotions? I think it's OK to let the tears flow, better really. I was also raised in an environment where showing negative emotions (crying, showing anger in any form) wasn't OK. And now I often cry through many of my sessions, and I actually find it to be very healing. My T just sitting there and accepting it, not judging, I find it to be very helpful. I've apologized a couple times when I've been really sobbing, and he's always said, "It's OK." There have been sessions where I've cried quite a bit, and after, I've felt both sort of wiped out and also a bit lighter, like I've freed myself of something. There's something about just having someone else witness my emotions and just sort of containing them that has a lot of meaning for me. There are some sessions where I don't cry at all, or maybe just wipe my eyes a couple times--I'm not a waterfall every time. But I feel it's helpful to get those emotions out in a safe space (whether physical or, currently, virtual). I joked one time about how many tissues I used in T's office, and he said that I'm on the platinum plan, with unlimited tissues. But I think T's are used to it and comfortable with clients crying, so feel free to let it go.

I'd try talking about how it's uncomfortable for you, too. And how it takes you back to being a child and being ignored. I think T's are trained to not react much to crying, but maybe say what could help you in the moment. Maybe just acknowledgment, like, "I see you're crying--it's OK. Do you want to talk about what you're feeling?" Or whatever you think might help you.

[Rive1976]

I think its a sign of growth when you can express your emotions with a therapist.

[KLL85]

Thanks for all of your responses, it’s really helped me realise that this is actually a positive thing that is happening. I definitely feel safer with this T than I ever did with the previous T, which is odd when I’ve only seen her for a couple of months.
I think what would make me feel better is just the occasional validation when I’m crying, so something like ‘I can see this is really hard for you but I’m here with you.’ That would help make it feel like I wasn’t just being stared at and ignored and she really is ‘with’ me. I have massive problems talking about what I need though so this may be a challenge to bring up with her.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by KLL85

Thanks for all of your responses, it’s really helped me realise that this is actually a positive thing that is happening. I definitely feel safer with this T than I ever did with the previous T, which is odd when I’ve only seen her for a couple of months.
I think what would make me feel better is just the occasional validation when I’m crying, so something like ‘I can see this is really hard for you but I’m here with you.’ That would help make it feel like I wasn’t just being stared at and ignored and she really is ‘with’ me. I have massive problems talking about what I need though so this may be a challenge to bring up with her.

If you're having trouble saying it, I've found it can help to type (or write) something up, then send in an email before session or hand it to the T during session (which may not be possible if you're doing virtual sessions, but I emailed him something once, and he read it on his phone during session).

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Crying in a session is a good thing! I wish I could do it more. I know it's not always easy when you can't stop yourself crying, but the other side of the coin is also horrible. If you can cry, the emotion is moving through you, and you will eventually feel better for sharing this process with T.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by KLL85

Thanks for all of your responses, it’s really helped me realise that this is actually a positive thing that is happening. I definitely feel safer with this T than I ever did with the previous T, which is odd when I’ve only seen her for a couple of months.
I think what would make me feel better is just the occasional validation when I’m crying, so something like ‘I can see this is really hard for you but I’m here with you.’ That would help make it feel like I wasn’t just being stared at and ignored and she really is ‘with’ me. I have massive problems talking about what I need though so this may be a challenge to bring up with her.

Originally Posted by KLL85

Thanks for all of your responses, it’s really helped me realise that this is actually a positive thing that is happening. I definitely feel safer with this T than I ever did with the previous T, which is odd when I’ve only seen her for a couple of months.
I think what would make me feel better is just the occasional validation when I’m crying, so something like ‘I can see this is really hard for you but I’m here with you.’ That would help make it feel like I wasn’t just being stared at and ignored and she really is ‘with’ me. I have massive problems talking about what I need though so this may be a challenge to bring up with her.

^ I feel like that, too. Especially for those of us who were not raised to handle emotions in a healthy way/ who had parents who certainly did not console us when we had those emotions and rather were callous. Why do the therapists act so callous? That’s how I interpreted it. If they had even explained it’s a therapy technique where they are intentionally neutral, I’d have at least understood. Though I wanted some compassion and validation or at least some acknowledgement that I am a human being.

If we feel very sad, we cry. It is a normal, healthy emotion.

[zoiecat]

I have extreme difficulty and embarrassment crying in front of anyone. I actually have an alter that comes out if I am about to cry in public and this includes my T.

I know I have a twisted brain but to me, crying in front of my T equates to being forced to stand in front of him naked. It also feels to me that the T would be gaining pleasure by watching me cry.

These thoughts are probably stemming from my trauma background but it is how I feel and think. No offense to anyone else. I wish I didn't feel this way but I can't seem to change it.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by zoiecat

I have extreme difficulty and embarrassment crying in front of anyone. I actually have an alter that comes out if I am about to cry in public and this includes my T.

I know I have a twisted brain but to me, crying in front of my T equates to being forced to stand in front of him naked. It also feels to me that the T would be gaining pleasure by watching me cry.

These thoughts are probably stemming from my trauma background but it is how I feel and think. No offense to anyone else. I wish I didn't feel this way but I can't seem to change it.

I'm the same. I want to cry badly but I struggle with shame and the fear that T will be gaining some pleasure from it. It doesn't help that I once saw someone who had a 'thing' about expecting me to cry so of course I couldn't. I do cry sometimes now, but certainly not as often or as strongly as I wish I could.

[KLL85]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

^ I feel like that, too. Especially for those of us who were not raised to handle emotions in a healthy way/ who had parents who certainly did not console us when we had those emotions and rather were callous. Why do the therapists act so callous? That’s how I interpreted it. If they had even explained it’s a therapy technique where they are intentionally neutral, I’d have at least understood. Though I wanted some compassion and validation or at least some acknowledgement that I am a human being.

If we feel very sad, we cry. It is a normal, healthy emotion.

Yeah I totally get what you mean. It can sometimes feel very invalidating when my T does not acknowledge that I am upset and just continueS like nothing is happening. It’s not like I am wanting her to suddenly throw her arms around me and pat me on the head saying ‘there there’ I just want her to recognise that I’m in pain and that can see that and she cares that I’m hurting.

[KLL85]

Originally Posted by zoiecat

I have extreme difficulty and embarrassment crying in front of anyone. I actually have an alter that comes out if I am about to cry in public and this includes my T.

I know I have a twisted brain but to me, crying in front of my T equates to being forced to stand in front of him naked. It also feels to me that the T would be gaining pleasure by watching me cry.

These thoughts are probably stemming from my trauma background but it is how I feel and think. No offense to anyone else. I wish I didn't feel this way but I can't seem to change it.

I don’t think you have twisted brain at all. I also struggle with huge embarrassment when crying in front of anyone and think this is why I’m struggling with the fact I can’t stop it on session when I always have had perfect control over it before.
I likened it to my last T that if I was to cry in front of him I would feel like I was standing completely naked and unarmed whilst at the same handing him ammunition which I know is going to be thrown at me at some point but I don’t know when. I guess it feels like handing over power whilst at the same time making myself extremely vulnerable and expecting that person to use that power that I have given them to wound me at some point.