What do therapists want from clients?

Inspired by stopdog's thread, what does your therapist want from you? I am specifically thinking about wanting from you rather than wanting for you. For example, most of us might confidently say that our therapists want us to be safe or content or independent, but are there things that they want us to give?

I am struggling to identify something that she wants. I think she would prefer notice if I don't intend to attend a session. I think she wants me to be civil, although this is probably negotiable as she is not always civil to me and she tolerates me when I am unpleasant to her. I don't pay her, or I pay her a minimal fee, so she doesn't want money.

I don't think she wants from me and as I realise that, I feel relief and a warmth towards her. It's a lovely aspect to experience in a relationship, particularly since I want a lot from her.

I can't think of anything my T wants FROM me, as opposed to FOR me. She cares about me unconditionally and puts no constraints on how I think or feel. Naturally, she would want me to respect her environment and refrain from acting out in ways that harm her, but those things are a given as I'd never do otherwise. Even if I did, she would work with me on understanding why.

I can't even say she wants her specific fee as we have already discussed that when my finances change we will sort something out. She only wants a certain fee because it protects the boundaries of the relationship rather than turning it into something else. While I have therapy with her, some sort of minimal fee is a given.

I agree, it is very freeing to know T doesn't want anything from us. It is a relief because previous T's have imposed very subtle expectations on our work together. T just lets me be me and find my own way.

I fulfilled a need and when I was no longer fulfilling his need he made session so unbearable I would leave. When I was no longer stroking his ego I was no use to him.

The only thing I know my therapists have wanted from me is to be there and to do my best whatever that means from week to week. Oh and with current T to tell her if she messes up so we can work through it.

The stuff in the contract they ask you to sign I guess. Turning up, turning up on time, giving enough notice if you can’t make it (unless your sick then they just want to know ASAP), not quitting therapy without 4 weeks notice...and other bits I don’t remember. Of course, they don’t always get these things.

I imagine a therapist that puts a lot of time and effort in to a client who presents awkwardly (bad time keeping, general rudeness or disrespect etc) would know that these can be signs of self loathing and low self esteem. It might make just being present or connected with this client satisfying enough in itself, without needing love or money in return. Most beings want to be satisfied.

Well, there's the obvious turn up for session on time, give him at least 24 hours notice if canceling (unless sick or some other emergency), and pay him. Policies specific to him: No texting except for scheduling and no calling (though he's let me break the first rule a couple times). Email is fine whenever, but he usually replies in the mornings, not at night. Call him "Dr. [last name]" not "first name" (hence his nickname on here of "Dr. T."

A few things he's shared *not* specific to me: Don't try to seduce him in session (another client did that), don't belittle him, don't physically threaten him (well, I imagine that one would apply to all T's!).

From stuff that's come up in conflicts with me specifically: Don't try to control him, don't threaten to leave if I'm not getting what I want from him (just leave), don't say manipulative things, don't "trap" him into replying to an email on a Friday night by talking about . Oh, and don't figure out where he's going on vacation (even if it's part of his public life--the sport he plays). Don't look at Google results on him beyond the first page (hahaha, yeah, failed that one!) (At one point, don't get comfort from a stone that I associate with him, but he's come around to understand that and is OK with it now.)

Wow, Dr. T really sounds like an oversensitive a-hole when I type it all out like that (I know, many of you think that anyway about him!) But he's been incredibly supportive and empathetic during the pandemic. I feel like it's humbled him and stripped away his arrogance. Hope it sticks when (if?) the pandemic ends...

Wait, you had to sign a contract that you had to give 4 weeks notice before quitting? Has anyone else had to do that?

Yes it was part of it, I think it’s just meant to stop you rage quitting therapy and so you can have some closure. I have no idea how they would force you to go if you didn’t want to though

I get the impression that feeling connected with people and helping them is something that makes my T feel good, so I think that's something he wants. Nothing specific, though.

T would, without a doubt, want me to be me... where ever I was in that moment, however I was in that moment... just ditch the damn rules and filters and BE.

F* that just answered a question I have been asking T for over a month now and he refused to answer.

Camrademoomoo... you keep this crap up and I am going to have to add you to the ever growing T/Pdoc payroll!

From me? Hmm. I guess it comes down to "effort" in whatever form that might be. They never said it in so many words, but to continue to give what I could give toward my own health and safety and stability and future.

My therapy wasn't contingent on money - not at all with my first two therapists - and with my last he worked with me numerous times around financial issues because it wasn't about the money.

Sure, there were basic agreements about appointments, insurance, cancellations, etc. that were just routine in that first appointment, but those are just standard (and were sometimes bent a bit to serve me personally).

So effort I guess. Keep trying to put that one foot in front of the other. Keep trying to communicate, to apply what I was learning about myself in the therapy room to my life outside the therapy room, etc. "Effort" didn't necessarily include "success." It was perfectly okay to try and fail. Just keep trying.

Eventually that effort translated into awareness, movement, healing.

My last T wanted money and to feel like the expert.

I asked him this last time: for me to show up, to work on my resistance and the truth.

I would often be ashamed to answer some of his questions. So I'd deny feeling X or thinking Y .

In my experience, therapists hope their clinet will make an effort to work on the reasons they came into therapy for.

I have to vote for money. Even though I have plenty of evidence to the contrary... money is a powerful motivator. So they can pretend to care and want what’s best for us. But they still charge absurd amounts. And at the end of the day, they can see some people for less Bc they charge others through the nose.

She wants me to be honest about my feelings.

She wants me to be engaged and not sit there with nothing to say. She wants me to improve and feel better because then she feels like she is helping, which makes her feel good and is fulfilling, I guess. She wants to have my trust.

And I do pay her, so she wants that, too.

Money and honesty. I feel like he gets something out of me being attracted to him too.

Money 🤷🤷🤷

My T went over a few general rules with me that I think are interesting in contrast...

Intense sexual or erotic feelings towards a T are normal and we can talk about them any time. If a client acts on those feelings (try to seduce) he will help the client contain the behavior and work with the client on talking through the feelings. He will not reject or punish the client nor will he reciprocate.

Belittling him he sees as a sign of inner distress in the client that will work itself out through the course of therapy. He doesn’t take it personally or to heart.

Now, the third one we have touched on... I have a part that often wants to punch him. He has said strong feelings are welcomed but we have to have boundaries on our behaviors. He said if I took a swing at him 1. It would shock him so much I would probably get the first one in BUT 2. He would contain the behavior so that no one got hurt. We then talked about why I was LMAO. I can’t punch worth anything. If the part really wanted to hurt him she would need a weapon she could swing or she would use her legs. The whole point of punching him would to be contained. He said that after this covid stuff, when it is safe we can do some activities in his office that will allow her to physically express those needs... I don’t think he has any intention of being a punching bag though.

One thing my T is annoyingly good at is taking ALL the fun out of any acting out behaviors.

Some sort of intention/commitment to 'do' the work. I think it's probably quite boring if a client is just coasting the whole time. And money of course.

I think my T wants me to be working on my goals, to be truthful with her about SH/SI, to talk to her first before SH/SI, to communicate with her if I can't make it for whatever reason. I recently had asked to reschedule an appointment but then was able to work out the original time so I asked if I could have that back. I told T sorry I was being such a pain. She said I wasn't being a pain and that she was there to serve me not the other way around. Interesting how she put that.

Money - all humans need to put food on the table. Therapists are not the greedy professions.

For clients to work hard on themselves and realise that a therapist cannot 'fix' or change them. It is not realistic anyway as the T, as an entirely different individual, can never know what it is to be someone else. The T will use their skill set and accompany the client on their 'journey' but we are the ones that have to walk this dreaded path.

Taking responsibility and developing a sense of agency.

For clients to realise that they aren't miracle workers and mind-readers.

Respect and not to be a recipient for clients' abuse (verbal or physical). Some go to T religiously, yet demonise Ts and pour a heap of verbal abuse on Ts. Hypocrisy much?!

I do think money is also a part of it because just like everybody else they need to provide food, shelter, etc. Long term T ofren said she wished she could afford to just do her work for free. She hates the money part of it. She also took all the insurances in our area except Medicaid. That was only because of all the rules and regulations not about the financial issues. The state I live in has very few people who can afford to pay out of pocket for therapy and the reimbursement rate from private insurance is quite low. My insurance is in the bottom 2 of what "they" will pay. I say they because I have a fairly high deductable so I pay it.

This would strike me as condescending - like the therapist thinks I'm so sick that I don't have agency over my own actions and must be treated like an infant. Honestly, it would feel insulting to me to be told that the therapist would "contain" sexual harassment and physical assault on my part. I really don't understand how allowing a client to assault him or attempt to assault him translates to having a boundary and it would be hard for me to respect a therapist who is ok with being treated that way.

The one I see is very receptive to my anger, but physically assaulting her would definitely be a deal-breaker.