[nottrustin]

So I know a lot of us deal with abandonment issues. How do you handle it especially if you know it was not their intention? Do you tell them or does the thought of telling them increase the fear of them leaving?

Some things outside of therapy has happened that is related to my childhood abandonment. T and I have had really deep talks about my fears of abandonment. During one she asked if something particular was why I fear being to needy with my friends and her. I told her it was a big part of it. Then after that appointment she did something that felt like she was abandoning me or that I WAS too much for her. A part of me knows it was not her intention BUT I also learned as a child that what people say and do are too different things. Their actions are more important than what they say.

So at my appointment yesterday I said nothing about it but was quite distant. She said said some things yesterday which added insult to injury. Including the full term of my abuse which has always bothered me. It causes me to shut down. We have discussed it in the past and she is usually pretty good about it. Sometimes she slips because well it is just a normal thing for her to say. Normally my facial expressions tell her that she said it and smwe will mention it, she apologizes and we move on. Yesterday she didnt see my facial expressions or just misread it. I know much of this is to do with not being in the same room and having the connection.

Now I KNOW the answer is tot all to her but talking about my feat of abandonment causes my fear of abandonment to increase. With what happened over the last week I also am not comfortable reaching out via text, so I just need to stew for the next week.

[Elio]

There are no easy answers to abandonment issues.

For me, it's super hard when I know it was not their intention. I tend to down play my feelings and as a result I end up discounting my value within myself.

Also for me, talking to them does increase the fear that they will get angry or hurt and leave. So, I work on it by talking to T about it as much as I can and from as many angles as I can. When I first started talking to her, that fear was so intense I would disassociate. Even now, I need lots of reassurance from her that she is ok, we are ok, that she is not taking anything I say personally and so on. I still end up apologizing for feeling hurt/angry in the first place or for bringing my "negative" emotions to her.

Hang in there.

[SalingerEsme]

It can be scary how all human relationship wax and wane in nuanced ways, when we want them to be steady and immediately available.

I really believe therapy is co created, and it isn't always the client's issues or emotional reasoning that sparks abandonment fears.

For example, maybe your T had a fight with her mom before your session and had less to give, and you correctly sensed that, though got the attribution/ consequences wrong.

What would the opposite scenario look like? What would she do/ have done to create a situation in which you felt sure she would be there for you and had no abandonment fears today?

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by Elio

There are no easy answers to abandonment issues.

For me, it's super hard when I know it was not their intention. I tend to down play my feelings and as a result I end up discounting my value within myself.

Also for me, talking to them does increase the fear that they will get angry or hurt and leave. So, I work on it by talking to T about it as much as I can and from as many angles as I can. When I first started talking to her, that fear was so intense I would disassociate. Even now, I need lots of reassurance from her that she is ok, we are ok, that she is not taking anything I say personally and so on. I still end up apologizing for feeling hurt/angry in the first place or for bringing my "negative" emotions to her.

Hang in there.

I have always avoided confrontation with people or telling them when they hurt me. With T I have told her a few times and we discussed it and moved on. However they were never issues where I felt like she left me hanging and therefore further triggered my fears.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

It can be scary how all human relationship wax and wane in nuanced ways, when we want them to be steady and immediately available.

I really believe therapy is co created, and it isn't always the client's issues or emotional reasoning that sparks abandonment fears.

For example, maybe your T had a fight with her mom before your session and had less to give, and you correctly sensed that, though got the attribution/ consequences wrong.

What would the opposite scenario look like? What would she do/ have done to create a situation in which you felt sure she would be there for you and had no abandonment fears today?

Thank you for your post great question. I really dont know what she could have done differently giving the confines of therapy right now. Maybe some reassurance would have helped.

[Omers]

I try and tell T as soon as possible after. It was a lot easier before COVID for him to reassure me. T knows being “too much” is a huge fear so he tends to be extra careful about that one. When in doubt he will often just say in session “Omers, I am not going to push you away or reject you”... sometimes he is off and that has nothing to do with what is going on but it is always good to hear.
But it helped when he could reach out, put his hand on top of mine and say “I’m right here”

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by Omers

I try and tell T as soon as possible after. It was a lot easier before COVID for him to reassure me. T knows being “too much” is a huge fear so he tends to be extra careful about that one. When in doubt he will often just say in session “Omers, I am not going to push you away or reject you”... sometimes he is off and that has nothing to do with what is going on but it is always good to hear.
But it helped when he could reach out, put his hand on top of mine and say “I’m right here”

T has always been very careful how she words things when it comes to my abandonment issues. When I me tion fear of being too needy or dependent she tells me it is okay for me to depend on her and if I am "becoming to needy" which she doesnt see happening we will discuss it. I told her once after long term Ts death, I feared losing her too. We talked about how that is totally understandable given the situation. While she doesnt know what life will being she has no intention of leaving or going anywhere.

Mine has unintentionally triggered me at times also. It is hard to deal with. And I too have fears of abandonment. Definitely talk to your therapist about it. i hope it goes well.

[coolibrarian]

By "term" do you mean "phrase" or "number of years the csa lasted>"

[nottrustin]

By "term" do you mean "phrase" or "number of years the csa lasted>"

sigh...the type.