[Omers]

So, I start with T2 August 10th and I have been an absolute, triggered mess internally since we set the appointment but look all cool and collected on the outside. I have not talked to T1 about it yet as I am just realizing that it is T2 that has me triggered. Last time T1 and I talked about working with T2 it was mostly establishing boundaries and expectations for working with two different T’s. T1 said that unless T2 and I run into problems we can’t get through ourselves he is staying out of it. If T2 and I run into problems he will be happy to sit down with the two of us and we can all work it out together.

I don’t know if I should just talk to T1 and stay focused on being really triggered but not get into what is triggering me. Should I email T2? I’m concerned because I’m not really her client for another two weeks and I don’t know what her policies are especially around email.
Up until we set the appointment I was always very comfortable around T2 as we would often run into eachother in the waiting area. T1 and I even joked with her a bit my last appointment before he went away for a month (pre-pandemic). I have seen her approach new clients in the waiting area and she was very kind and gentle. When the support person the friend brought refused to go to T2s office with her and the new client T2 worked extra hard to be reassuring and help the client feel safe.
But... it has been nearly 20 years since I have been triggered as badly as I am now. I was nervous starting with T1 but nothing at all like this.

Ideas?

[SlumberKitty]

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling T1 that you are triggered by T2. T1 might be able to help you get to a place where you will be able to work with T2. HUGS Kit

[nottrustin]

Can you tell T1 how you feel triggered? Perhaps T1 can help you work through it so you will safe seeing T2?

Before starting to see T2 my anxiety was through the roof because I would have to tell somebody else about my past and feared judgement and rejection by her. My T1 supported me through that time when I wanted to pull out and not attend my first session. She pointed out signs that T2 was caring and compassionate (they had never knew of each other before I worked with both of them) based upon all interactions I had with T2 even before I ever stepped foot in her office. She also told me she would be there to support me if things did not work out with T2 as well as talk to T2 if I wanted her to to make it easier.

It was a huge help having her help me work through the anxiety.

[Omers]

Thanks.
My first session with T1 he wondered if part of my struggle in therapy before was working with women. Having been terrified of men most of my life I thought it was an odd idea that I couldn’t work with women. I had also had a lot of female mentors all the way through college.
This whole T2 thing started when T1 said he thought it would be very beneficial for me to have a strong female mentor in my life right now. Lacking any natural supports I came up with the idea of T2 which I was kind of excited about as I wanted to get to know her anyway.
I did send T1 an email with what I am struggling with emotionally and the impulses I am trying not to act on. I just didn’t know at the time that most of it seems to be connected to seeing T2. So... I guess that is where we will go Monday unless it gets worse and I have to call.
It has been SO long since I have been this triggered. I also don’t know why I look so calm on the outside (like almost falling asleep calm) when inside is complete turmoil. H is having a hard time because I have so little tolerance for anything. Last night we went out to eat and someone was banging their spoon on their plate or cup really loud... when I burst out with “we are all grown ***** adults is this really necessary”. Poor H... we eat at this place regularly so most people (not the noisy one) know us and there was no way for him to just snag me up and run. But he doesn’t get why I keep snapping.
I am trying to remind myself of all my previous encounters with T2. I am also looking at her professional FB page and web page...

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm sorry you're so triggered...I'd definitely talk about it with T1.

So I have two thoughts. One is the idea mentioned above that you're triggered about working with her because she's a woman. Maybe not just that she's a woman, but you said she had seemed very kind and gentle in the waiting room--could that be triggering you for some reason? Like, were you maybe hurt by a female who seemed very kind and gentle? Or do you not feel you deserve to be treated that way by someone? Or, I think you mentioned at some point that you wear more masculine clothes at times. Does she seem particularly feminine or "girly"? Could that maybe trigger you? Or else just really put together? I had some issues with that with ex-T, where she seemed very polished and pulled together and I...wasn't. (OK, that was multiple thoughts in one.)


The other thought is, that this is leading to abandonment fears about T1, that you fear he's trying to pawn you off on her and it feels like a rejection.

Does any of that seem to ring true at all? Just throwing stuff out there.

I am a bit confused. If you are so distressed by the prospect of working with her, don't work with her. You are paying and it is entirely voluntary. I understand being apprehensive or anxious, but if you are having such an extreme emotional response perhaps you need to listen to your self and give her the big old swerve. Or maybe you are responding to her as a trigger when your core feeling is actually one of natural apprehension. Either way, you have agency and can make your choices.

[Omers]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I'm sorry you're so triggered...I'd definitely talk about it with T1.

So I have two thoughts. One is the idea mentioned above that you're triggered about working with her because she's a woman. Maybe not just that she's a woman, but you said she had seemed very kind and gentle in the waiting room--could that be triggering you for some reason? Like, were you maybe hurt by a female who seemed very kind and gentle? Or do you not feel you deserve to be treated that way by someone? Or, I think you mentioned at some point that you wear more masculine clothes at times. Does she seem particularly feminine or "girly"? Could that maybe trigger you? Or else just really put together? I had some issues with that with ex-T, where she seemed very polished and pulled together and I...wasn't. (OK, that was multiple thoughts in one.)
.

I am a farm girl so I am more comfortable in jeans and a T shirt or sweatshirt but I can polish up and enjoy it on occasion. She is much more feminine than I am... but basically yes to all of the above. I spent most of my life deathly afraid of men so never saw how hurtful many women had been. The ways women hurt me were more emotional than men. After a year and a half with a super nurturing male T everything looks different.
As far as T abandoning me though, no worries there. He has made sure I know that he will be in the building, I still see him every other week, we can go back to every week he will just need to schedule it out... so I am OK there.

[Omers]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

I am a bit confused. If you are so distressed by the prospect of working with her, don't work with her. You are paying and it is entirely voluntary. I understand being apprehensive or anxious, but if you are having such an extreme emotional response perhaps you need to listen to your self and give her the big old swerve. Or maybe you are responding to her as a trigger when your core feeling is actually one of natural apprehension. Either way, you have agency and can make your choices.

I liked her until I scheduled with her then all kinds of old memories and pains came up from other experiences. None of the reaction is at her directly just stirred up by the idea of seeing her. If there are any red flags the first few sessions I will most definitely stop. But... T1 was right to suggest that I have a lot of trouble relating to other women that as a man he can’t really stir up in me to work on it. He can help once it is brought to the surface but with no women in my life it isn’t likely I will just get over it.

[Quietmind 2]

Sounds like a wonderful opportunity for some healing, especially as you're going into it with so much self awareness and insight, Omer.