Something developed at home which made me really need T last night. I called him crying (which is NOT something I normally do) asking him to call back the next day (today).

I went to my internship today and after I ran my first group and came back to my office there was a message from him. He asked me to call back to tell him a good time to call, but regardless, he would try back again. So then I press his name on my cell phone address book to call him back and it's ringing and ringing and I'm wondering why his office message isn't picking up-- then I look at my phone and realize that I accidentally called his cell phone!!! (He gave me his cell phone number before I left to go to the new office for the first time so I could reach him immediately in the event that I got lost. It was NOT mentioned that I could call it in crisis and I think it pretty much goes unsaid that I am not supposed to use that number, lol. Yikes, he must trust me a little bit). So of course I hang up the phone and then call back his work number and leave a message in which I am apologizing profusely for calling his cell phone saying I never meant to do it.

He calls me back just a few minutes later and as he's talking I just interrupt him and I'm like, "DID YOU GET MY MESSAGE?" And he's like, "No not yet-- I was just trying you back---" "CAUSE I DIDN'T MEAN TO CALL YOUR CELL PHONE!! IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT!! I HAVE BOTH NUMBERS IN MY ADDRESS BOOK AND I PRESSED THE WRONG ONE!!!" Of course he calmly says, "It's okay." OMG, I felt like I broke the worst therapeutic boundary ever.

Then we talked. I told him my reason for calling. I told him I never wanted to call him again, ever, but I just had to. He made me promise, of course, to stay safe. He said, "I want to see you Saturday. It is important to me." I asked, "Do you hate me?" And he he said, "Why would I hate you?" He asked me if it felt like everyone hated me right now and I said, yes.... yes, in fact, it does. He told me I could call back in between now and our Saturday session if I need to, as long as I am staying safe.

I sort of love him again, but with unresolved issues. I still plan to tell him of my anger.

i've said it before... i think I love him. He certainly is very steadfast.

i worry about overstepping boundaries all the time. i seem to do it with people every day without knowing or meaning to.. so i worry about doing it with T.

i hope you're doing better.

[krazibean]

i think...... he cares for you a lot. its OK to be angry if he does something you don't like. It's what you do with that anger. Talking to him and resolving it is good. Be thankful that he truly cares, and i think he's doing his best to keep you happy with him.

[tulips30]

I am more convinced than ever that his phone call comments were ALL about your safety. I think he might have become really concerned that he couldn't do anything for you on the phone if your safety was in jeopardy. How caring is that? Wow.... The fact that he told you today that you could call, but kept stressing the safety say's it all. I join the group. I love your t!

tulips

[krazibean]

second that, tulips!

oinky oink... i know.. you get frustrated and angry and hurt. i do hear that too. It's ok to feel those things. i know that the day you can accept how much he cares will be a huge step for you. Right now i think you know it but can't believe it, think it, feel it or rely on it. i know from my own thing that it's %#@&#! scary when the world had rules that you knew inside out and then somebody comes along and shakes up the snowdome and refuses to do what the rules say. Now what do we do? i don't know any other rules.

hope you have a good day my dear oink oink oink. i hope their is a ray of sunshine that brightens your day... one that leaves it's mark on your mood.

[Perna]

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pinksoil said:
I sort of love him again, but with unresolved issues.

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I have to laugh, I love the qualifier. No free and clear love here!

Sounds like he's doing a good job being consistent? That should help mollify the poor little dear?

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"I want to see you Saturday. It is important to me."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> What a wonderful thing for him to say!

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He asked me if it felt like everyone hated me right now and I said, yes.... yes, in fact, it does.

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I'm feeling the same way. I don't hate you, you have helped me a lot. For example, when I posted about idealization/devaluation issues, you were able to put my feelings into words which I then was able to tell my T. You write beautifully, the poems you have shared are awesome. It's evident that you are meant to be a T! You're a natural at it.

I hope you continue to feel better! I care about you

[lauren_helene]

Hey Pink there is no way he could ever hate you or any of us either.

I love the interaction between you both and I wish I had as much care and empathy as you get sweety.