[Lostislost]

Today I saw T and I asked him how you can tell if people really love you. He said, he would have to ask someone what they loved about him.

So, I asked him if he knew that I loved him for other reasons, and he just stared at me and said nothing. I thought he was going to ask me what my reasons were, but he didn't even acknowledge that I said it. Ashamed, confused, why did I have to say that I'm stuck an idiot. I think I made him feel sick or something. What can I do to not feel like such an unwanted monster.

[RoxanneToto]

I doubt he felt sick, maybe surprised, like he wasn’t sure how to respond in that moment? Is what you’re feeling for him because of transference? Not saying your feelings aren’t real, of course, but I know a lot of people end up liking their therapists in that way. Just staring and not saying anything doesn’t seem like the most helpful response to me but maybe I don’t understand enough about how therapists work through this situation. All I know is they need to keep a professional boundary but it won’t look the same in every case.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, I'm so sorry...You're not a monster or an idiot (I've told multiple T's that I loved them, including current T, who tends to be weird about that sort of thing). He probably just didn't know what to say? Do you have any outside contact with your T? If so, this seems like something you could email or text about--or request phone call or earlier session?

[SlumberKitty]

Ugh. Total failure on the response of your T at that moment in time. Perhaps he was just taken aback or was surprised but I mean, he should have been able to talk through it with you. I've told T's I love them and they managed it. I haven't told current T that I love her but I'm not sure I do. Sometimes I do but sometimes I don't. But if I did and I told her I did, I'd want a response. You aren't an idiot or a monster. You are a person with feelings. I'm sorry your T let you down. HUGS Kit

[Lostislost]

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

I doubt he felt sick, maybe surprised, like he wasn’t sure how to respond in that moment? Is what you’re feeling for him because of transference? Not saying your feelings aren’t real, of course, but I know a lot of people end up liking their therapists in that way. Just staring and not saying anything doesn’t seem like the most helpful response to me but maybe I don’t understand enough about how therapists work through this situation. All I know is they need to keep a professional boundary but it won’t look the same in every case.

He might have been surprised, I feel like I've been pretty obvious about it but there's a possibility he wouldn't think it. I've never tried to seduce him or anything. I don't feel like it's just transference, but I know in the beginning it was. Thank you, it didn't feel helpful at all when he didn't respond, and now I can't see him for 2 weeks. I'm sure he will keep his boundaries professional though! I know he doesn't and won't love me.

[Lostislost]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Hugs, I'm so sorry...You're not a monster or an idiot (I've told multiple T's that I loved them, including current T, who tends to be weird about that sort of thing). He probably just didn't know what to say? Do you have any outside contact with your T? If so, this seems like something you could email or text about--or request phone call or earlier session?

Hugs, thank you. I have some outside contact with him but he's on holiday for 2 weeks now. Made it even stranger he just wanted to leave it that way. He asked me how I was feeling inside, I put my hands on my chest and said sad...tried not to cry. Then he ended the session

[ArtieTheSequal]

So sorry that happened. You're so not a monster or an idiot! I agree with SK total failure on the part of your T for his response or lack thereof. Perhaps he was just surprised but still he should be able to recover quickly even so and be able to talk about it with you. It's not an uncommon thing, after all. I have told my t that I love her several (ok many) times and only once she reacted in a way that would have felt bad if I hadn't already known her for so long. I perhaps said it a little more unabashedly than usual (if that's the right word) this one time and she did a surprised-sounding cough and I turned it into a joke and said "are you all choked up now?" and laughed. She said something like "well yes maybe." We talk about my feelings about her and our relationship on a pretty regular basis. I really don't understand why so many t's seem to have a problem talking about this. You'd think it would be a big part of their training as much as it happens. Maybe he'll be able to talk about it in a helpful way after he's thought about it a bit.

[Lostislost]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Ugh. Total failure on the response of your T at that moment in time. Perhaps he was just taken aback or was surprised but I mean, he should have been able to talk through it with you. I've told T's I love them and they managed it. I haven't told current T that I love her but I'm not sure I do. Sometimes I do but sometimes I don't. But if I did and I told her I did, I'd want a response. You aren't an idiot or a monster. You are a person with feelings. I'm sorry your T let you down. HUGS Kit

Hugs, thank you. I really messed up the timing I guess, with him being away now. I was expecting a response, I can't lie. I know he won't ever love me back so I don't even know why I'm stuck on how much I love him.

[Lostislost]

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

So sorry that happened. You're so not a monster or an idiot! I agree with SK total failure on the part of your T for his response or lack thereof. Perhaps he was just surprised but still he should be able to recover quickly even so and be able to talk about it with you. It's not an uncommon thing, after all. I have told my t that I love her several (ok many) times and only once she reacted in a way that would have felt bad if I hadn't already known her for so long. I perhaps said it a little more unabashedly than usual (if that's the right word) this one time and she did a surprised-sounding cough and I turned it into a joke and said "are you all choked up now?" and laughed. She said something like "well yes maybe." We talk about my feelings about her and our relationship on a pretty regular basis. I really don't understand why so many t's seem to have a problem talking about this. You'd think it would be a big part of their training as much as it happens. Maybe he'll be able to talk about it in a helpful way after he's thought about it a bit.

Thank you. It would be nice if he thought about it, just a little bit when he's away. He's happily married and I'm not expecting returned love from him. Do you love everything about her? I know my T probably keeps loads of himself hidden from me, so I can't really love all of him because I don't know all of him. I wish I did know all of him though.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Originally Posted by Lostislost

Thank you. It would be nice if he thought about it, just a little bit when he's away. He's happily married and I'm not expecting returned love from him. Do you love everything about her? I know my T probably keeps loads of himself hidden from me, so I can't really love all of him because I don't know all of him. I wish I did know all of him though.

I love pretty much all that I know about her anyway. A couple times I've experienced a side of her that I do not like much but it's not often. I know there's stuff I don't know. One of the hardest things she said to me was "You don't know me." after that I felt the need to clarify "I love the you that I know." Although I don't say it much anymore. It's just kinda there between us and understood now. i've been seeing her a long time (with occasional breaks of varying length here and there).

[Merope]

I love my T too. I don’t think you’re weird or a monster for telling him this—love and attachment are the most human thing ever. I suspect he was probably caught off guard, but it doesn’t excuse the lack of response. Could you maybe write down how you’re feeling and bring it with you to the next session? I definitely think it’s something that should be addressed.

[Lostislost]

Originally Posted by Merope

I love my T too. I don’t think you’re weird or a monster for telling him this—love and attachment are the most human thing ever. I suspect he was probably caught off guard, but it doesn’t excuse the lack of response. Could you maybe write down how you’re feeling and bring it with you to the next session? I definitely think it’s something that should be addressed.

Thank you. I've been trying to think of how to say I love him without using the word love. I've just been looking at all the different words for love in the world and their meanings. Maybe I'll find some that apply!

[TeaVicar?]

He handled that incredibly badly, my heart goes out to you. It can't be the first time he's heard it either. If I were you, I would spend the next 2 weeks looking after yourself, providing you and your heart with as much nourishment as possible. Do things that make you feel good. And when he's back, tell him how you felt and ask him why he responded the way he did. Unfortunately some therapists are aren't very good at relational work... which is utterly ridiculous, bearing in mind that people are usually in therapy because of relational problems. Sending love.

[Lostislost]

Thank you, I will try and do nice things for myself. I was thinking, if he was not my T and just someone I knew, because he is married I would never dream of telling him I loved him, as it would put him in an awkward situation and not be fair.

So maybe I did the wrong thing telling him at all. This really is tricky to work with isn't it.

[Omers]

Ok, I didn’t read the other repliesIm tood*agitated by your T. My T and I tell eachother we love each other even though we are both married. I am praying your T just had an oops moment. They missed a really important opportunity in your healing and I’m sorry that they screwed up. My T would feel self conscious because he is super humble BUT if he were not having a horrible day professionally he would have asked... and I would have told him and we would have talked about it in a way that furthered my healing. Ugh. That’s what therapy is about. IMO your T blew it big time!
Oh, and nothing to be embarrassed about. I love my T dearly and he knows it.

[Lostislost]

Thank you, it is pretty frustrating. It’s really nice you and your T can say I love you and for everything to be ok. Honestly I am a bit surprised at my Ts reaction around it all. I thought he could say it and make it clear he doesn’t want anything to do with me romantically.

The only answer I have in my head is...he doesn’t and can’t say he loves me, because he does not love me and doesn’t want to lie. Being unlovable is a massive thing for lots of us I know, definitely me, this has reinforced the whole I’m an unloveable monster thing. It’s really nice to read everyone’s replies here though and that you don’t think I am a monster.

[SalingerEsme]

When my T and I got here, there was no place forward to go. Even if he loves you back, what then? It just becomes an exercise in pain, with no good choices. Wreck everyones lives, and he loses his license , sit with love in the room that cant progress, but always wants to be more? They are (some of them) that this is the road to ruin and to harming patients, it is hard to manage those feelings in that relationship. For my T, he eventually realized I met many needs for him, as well as that he met my needs. We had sometimes very immediate and intimate love, and talked about what it could be. It came clear that it's a kind of tragedy to have a real love develop, an adult love that isn't transference. It was a hardwon lesson that cost lots of suffering. Sometimes love that remains unspoken can flourish and be beautiful.

[Lostislost]

Thank you for sharing your experience, sorry there was so much suffering involved for you too.

'an exercise in pain, with no good choices'...describes it very well.

It makes perfect sense though and you are right, even if he did love me, then what. I wouldn't want him to lose his job or anything like that. I know he wouldn't hurt me and I'm pretty sure I don't meet any of his needs anyway. It is a tragedy.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I'm so sorry that your T reacted that way I'd have felt much the same as you. But please know that his reaction is about him and nothing to do with you and your heartfelt feelings, which he could have treated with compassion and respect regardless of his own. It sounds like he might find deep feelings hard to cope with from a client but that's his issue and doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. On the contrary, everything is RIGHT with you that you feel so much! My T says there are many forms of love, not just romantic or sexual or familial, and love in therapy can be a very real and unique experience due to the emotionally intimate nature of the work. Many therapists work with love, it's the essence of the therapy. It's not always related to transference stuff, especially if the T is the more open kind, as mine is.

It would probably be hard but, if you can, try telling him how his reaction left you feeling when he returns. Maybe he will have reflected on it after a break and be in a better place to discuss it all with you. If not, maybe it's more important for him to know how upset you are. Anyone would be, you're not strange for feeling bad. It's horrible to tell anyone you love them and just be stared at in response. I hope he was having an 'off' moment and will be much more compassionate when you next see him.

[Lostislost]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

I'm so sorry that your T reacted that way I'd have felt much the same as you. But please know that his reaction is about him and nothing to do with you and your heartfelt feelings, which he could have treated with compassion and respect regardless of his own. It sounds like he might find deep feelings hard to cope with from a client but that's his issue and doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. On the contrary, everything is RIGHT with you that you feel so much! My T says there are many forms of love, not just romantic or sexual or familial, and love in therapy can be a very real and unique experience due to the emotionally intimate nature of the work. Many therapists work with love, it's the essence of the therapy. It's not always related to transference stuff, especially if the T is the more open kind, as mine is.

It would probably be hard but, if you can, try telling him how his reaction left you feeling when he returns. Maybe he will have reflected on it after a break and be in a better place to discuss it all with you. If not, maybe it's more important for him to know how upset you are. Anyone would be, you're not strange for feeling bad. It's horrible to tell anyone you love them and just be stared at in response. I hope he was having an 'off' moment and will be much more compassionate when you next see him.

Thank you, that's kind of you to say that there's nothing wrong with me for feeling it. Sometimes he has these moments where I feel like he must love me? But then it breaks down pretty quick when I try to go there.

I feel a bit foolish, as he has refused to hug me previously even though he said he does hug some clients. So I should've taken the hint already maybe. I was not expecting any of this, but I suppose none of us were really.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by Lostislost

Thank you, that's kind of you to say that there's nothing wrong with me for feeling it. Sometimes he has these moments where I feel like he must love me? But then it breaks down pretty quick when I try to go there.

I feel a bit foolish, as he has refused to hug me previously even though he said he does hug some clients. So I should've taken the hint already maybe. I was not expecting any of this, but I suppose none of us were really.

He told you he hugs other clients whilst refusing to hug you? Ouch. Refusing to hug you is one thing, but telling you he hugs other clients sounds cruel. I don't know the context but I'm struggling to believe that is in any way acceptable.

Many therapists feel positive acceptance for their clients but not all like to use the word 'love.' It really depends on what love means to you and your T so an open discussion about it would be helpful, IF your T is able to put aside his own reservations.

How is your relationship with him normally? Does he listen, is he kind, empathic, accepting?

[Lostislost]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

He told you he hugs other clients whilst refusing to hug you? Ouch. Refusing to hug you is one thing, but telling you he hugs other clients sounds cruel. I don't know the context but I'm struggling to believe that is in any way acceptable.

Many therapists feel positive acceptance for their clients but not all like to use the word 'love.' It really depends on what love means to you and your T so an open discussion about it would be helpful, IF your T is able to put aside his own reservations.

How is your relationship with him normally? Does he listen, is he kind, empathic, accepting?

I wrote him a letter one Christmas and said I really felt like hugging him when I saw him. Then when I saw him, he said that he does hug clients sometimes, but not me, and implied it would be too risky. I don't know why it's risky to touch me (this was before covid 19), he didn't really give an answer. I think because of my past, I'm too damaged for him to touch.

That happened a year and a half ago and nothing has been said about it. He could use covid as the no touching reason forever now, wonder if he's glad about that.

Yes he is usually kind and does listen to me, he has helped me for sure. Things have changed a lot this year though. There's other things I don't want to mention publicly as people might think it's gone too far or see major red flags

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I wish he had explained to you why he felt hugging you was too risky rather than leaving you to guess. I understand that therapists may hug some clients and not others for a whole variety of reasons, but telling you just doesn't sit right with me. I'm sorry you're left feeling so bad about yourself due to all this but there's nothing wrong with you for having these feelings and needs, truly there isn't.

I'm glad he has helped you a lot, that really is the important thing. I completely understand that you don't want to mention a lot publicly. There's a lot I don't say about my T relationship for the very same reasons. What I've learnt from my experiences is that what may sound wrong or inappropriate to other people doesn't necessarily mean it is. I think most people get the sense on an intuitive level when something isn't right or working for them. There are many ways therapy can work and it takes self-honesty and courage to explore whether it is or not.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

There's a lot I don't say about my T relationship for the very same reasons. What I've learnt from my experiences is that what may sound wrong or inappropriate to other people doesn't necessarily mean it is. I think most people get the sense on an intuitive level when something isn't right or working for them. There are many ways therapy can work and it takes self-honesty and courage to explore whether it is or not.

Same here! I think some things may sound inappropriate when taken out of context and nobody but T and I know what our relationship/boundaries are. People can tell you something is a red flag, but your intuition could say it’s fine, and that’s the important thing.

[Lostislost]

I wish he explained it too, maybe he just doesn't know or I'm reading to much in to everything as usual. Thanks you, learning to trust my intuition has been really hard for me...I like to think I'm getting better with it though, even if it's just a little bit.