[KLL85]

So, I have been searching for a new therapist for a couple of weeks and have had difficulties finding anyone suitable who has availability.
I contacted one lady who was a director of a local clinic who sounded perfect but didn’t have any space. However she suggested one of the other therapists who works alongside her as being a good match but it’s a male.
I am not totally against having a male T, I’ve had one in the past, but have since found I seem to work better with a female/female dynamic. That being said I also recognise that the male T I worked with before just wasn’t the right fit for me, I just didn’t realise it until 9 months later!!
I did struggle bringing up certain topics because he was male and there was a huge amount of paternal transference taking place, although being a person centred therapist this wasn’t something he dealt with.
This male T works in a psychodynamic/integrative approach so would possibly have a better understanding of all the stuff that was going on in the room and he is willing to do face to face which is definitely a big plus factor, but I’m just a bit hesitant in case same thing happens all over again.
He’s offered to have an initial session as a reduced rate to see how we get on, so just trying to decide whether I give it a go or continue searching.

[KLL85]

I should add that I need someone who is extremely gentle, patient and nurturing, which I find seems to be much more common in female Ts than male.

[SlumberKitty]

I'd say give it a try. I didn't think I would like a male T either. I saw my Pastor (who is male) for therapy and he isn't particularly gentle, patient or nurturing in his pastoral role but I did find that he was these things in therapy. He was very gentle, very comforting, very sweet almost. It's like where is that when you are Pastoring?!!

[LonesomeTonight]

I'd give a male T a try. Ex-MC is male and was very gentle, patient, and nurturing. Meanwhile, ex-T, who is female, wasn't so nurturing or gentle. (Current T is male and wasn't particularly nurturing the first couple years, but has been since the pandemic started). So much depends on the personality. I'd think you could get a sense of what they're like from an initial session or two, maybe even from how they present themselves on a website. So I'd look around. Good luck!

[Salmon77]

It's worth having the introductory session just to see how it feels. I have a male T and we get along well, but it just depends on the person.

[KLL85]

Ah really not sure what to do. I’m not sensing any warmth or compassion in his emails. It’s all very straight to the point and clinical. I NEED to feel kindness and understanding and that just isn’t coming through even though I expressed in my first email to him that I was looking for someone extremely gentle and compassionate. Also a bit concerned about his lack of experience in trauma and attachment. His website states that he has experience with stuff like low self esteem, work place issues, low mood etc. I have a feeling I am going to be way too complex for him to be able to deal with 😕

I would not work with a male therapist. I have had one in the past and the work was ok, but without any notable care or closeness due to my defenses and his approach. I don't trust men and I consider them to be limited. I really value sisterhood and female solidarity. My relationship with my current therapist can be troubled and difficult, but despite this, we can also share a profound connection. I think our shared experience of being a woman contributes to this. I would not allow a man access to my internal world.

[Lostislost]

Originally Posted by KLL85

Ah really not sure what to do. I’m not sensing any warmth or compassion in his emails. It’s all very straight to the point and clinical. I NEED to feel kindness and understanding and that just isn’t coming through even though I expressed in my first email to him that I was looking for someone extremely gentle and compassionate. Also a bit concerned about his lack of experience in trauma and attachment. His website states that he has experience with stuff like low self esteem, work place issues, low mood etc. I have a feeling I am going to be way too complex for him to be able to deal with 😕

I thought that about my T before I saw him. I had seen lots, male and female, but none ever helped me and most made it worse. I think they don't know how to be with you until they get to know you a bit, he might be really capable of the warmth and kindness you need, but not straight away.

My male T was very business like in the beginning and seemed to warm to me when I opened up to him more and more. I feel really close to him now.

I hope he does understand trauma, it's very important. I felt like I was too complex for my T as well, but he seemed to learn as we went along.

But instincts are really important with these things, so I would follow that for sure.

[Merope]

My T is male (and significantly older) and I had reservations at first because I thought I wouldn’t be able to open up to him about some stuff. I also thought he was cold during the first session I had with him, but after getting to know him a little, I found him warm and caring and receptive. He’s welcomed (and used) my paternal transference and I’ve reached a point now where I can tell him almost anything. My relationship with him is healing and very important to me.

As for emails, when he sends something about scheduling, he’s pretty straightforward, to the point and sometimes cold, but in reality he isn’t like that. If I email about a non-scheduling issue, he is reassuring and warmer in his reply.

I’d go to the initial session and see how you feel. People are hard to read over email, you may get a good in person vibe.