Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Will you ever admit that you were wrong?

What the eff is happening with you? Is this all because my BF and your dad share the same country of origin?

-c

I saw a truck yesterday and today (different companies, both I have not heard of or seen the trucks before, with old T’s name on it. It made my stomach clench up with emotion. I’ve had this happen many times before with people and it does pass. The feeling passes and then I forget. But for awhile it can be difficult to deal with. To be honest I do still like her and if I had a choice I’d stay in the area and not move and continue seeing her. But then do I really want to stay with her because she’s a good therapist for me or because I think she’s hot and I want her to constantly worry about me? New T is what I really need in a therapist. One who has resources and knowledge and experience. that will help me a lot.

Dear T: You'll never know that I was angry with you because I don't plan on telling you. But I'm not angry with you anymore anyway. Kit

Hi T. Looking forward to talking to you on Friday. I heart you.

Dear T,
Why do you still accept me? At least as of a couple years ago, this sort of thing made you very uncomfortable. Like where I'd feel like maybe I should leave and see someone else. But now you just seem very accepting. Like maybe it makes you a bit uncomfortable, but you just deal with it on your own. Instead of expressing that to me. It's very meaningful that you're still there. And very healing. That you won't reject me for this.


Maybe it's not so much that you're still there...but that the others shouldn't have left? Is that something to explore maybe? That my natural assumption is that the ones who left were correct, but the ones who stayed, there must be something wrong with them--or else they'd leave eventually, once they knew the real me, saw my needs, etc.

Love,
LT

Dear Info,

The way it feels to me is that you are (inadvertently) forcing me to mourn your husband too. I have enough to deal with.

ATAT

I'm not dealing well with all that has happened in the last year. You may think that I am, but.
The last time I was sui in session, and after I left the house and shopped, then forgot what was discussed. Tonight, I am not me, I don't even know who I am. I'm stressed, no beyond stressed. Yet I look like I'm holding it together, but am I? I've suppressed far too much and it's getting to me tonight. I feel like my body is reacting far too much and I don't know what really is happening.

Please tell me this is a dream?!

I feel so sick, it all just feels like one long day, I can't find space to breathe, I don't know what to do about it all I'm just laying here feeling like I'm the biggest outsider.

Well, that was one heck of a session. Thank you for supporting me.

I’m not thinking much about the old T today. I have a lot of stuff to do this weekend so I’m busy today. But I am thinking of what to discuss with new T and if I want to tell her some stuff.

I want my mother.
I want my mother.
I want to go home.
I'm tired of being on my own.
I can't stop crying now.

I’m glad you sounded relieved when I asked if you do in person sessions. And then you smiled and said “I’m looking forward to meeting with you in my office.”

Old T Monday was our last official in person session before those almost 200 days before we met a couple times in your office. It hit me a bit just now. But I don’t know. Maybe it’s more then just last year at this time with you. A lot more stuff happened a year ago with me and also in the world then just going to video sessions.

Thank you for today and for understanding what I was trying to explain about why I chose not to tell you about last weekend's workshop in advance. Despite the ups & downs we've had, and all of my ridiculous projections over the years, you really truly are 'one of the good ones'.

I think you were right about that Shadow stuff. Why didn't I recognize my shadow in that one dream? Silly me, it's so obvious now that you pointed it out! I was all well derp. Had I had more time to work with it, maybe I would have recognized it on my own, but still.


I'm not going anywhere for the foreseeable future. Twice a month feels perfect right now, as long as I continue to do my 'work' apart from our sessions. I think last night's dream told me that I will. I am starting to envision at some point going to once every 3 weeks...

Dear T: Sort of wish I was seeing you tomorrow. But I can wait. Nothing pressing. Kit

Dear T,
OK, I admit I did sort of want you to tell me reasons that someone would want to be married to me, but I know that would be going down the wrong path. Your saying that there are and that I need to figure out what they are (or whatever you said) is the correct thing therapeutically to do. Besides, if I'm in a mindset where I'm feeling that badly about myself as a wife/partner, would I even believe anything you said? Maybe I should try journaling about it this weekend and if I can't come up with anything beyond "I'm a pretty good cook" (I'm guessing "good at laundry" wouldn't count...), then maybe I could enlist your help to get me there. Or at least to make changes so I can feel better about how I'm doing as a partner. Like come up with things to do.

Also, I think it's a positive sign that you gave me an opening to talk about the stuff from last session regarding you, and I didn't take it. Aside from thanking you for your email reply. That to me shows some sort of growth. To not just ask for more and more reassurance that you're OK with it. And you seemed fairly normal toward me today, not like all distant or anything. Though, I don't know, maybe your playing with that sword-like letter opener was a subconscious "stay back" (or, I suppose, something more...Freudian).

Monday feels far away though. After the last two sessions being pretty intense. But maybe it's better I have a bit of time to reflect.

Love,
LT

T,
Thank-you for calling me back. I won't tell you anything important until middle /end of session.