Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

My shoulders are always ready for a fight that never comes.

Dear T,
Trying not to go down a COVID doom rabbit hole--helps to have a H who's knowledgeable about science.

And I keep thinking of this dream I had last night about ex-MC. Do I talk to you about it? It had a very different tone from the last one I had about him that I told you about briefly.
So could this maybe be my subconscious processing things? Of course, I also wonder if he could have been representing you, but it looked like him, and I was visiting him as my former MC, so I don't think so? (I won't mention that part if I talk to you about it, though you already know I've had thoughts like that. Though...affectionate thoughts are different than the sexual thoughts I've mentioned--they seem more romantic, which seems like it would threaten you, while you were totally fine with the other ones. But I don't think it was about you anyway.)
Love,
LT

I'm in a terrible mood.

6 calls from my family today, before I just hung up and signed out of skype. It's draining constantly having to take calls and just listen when I don't feel well.

I miss you today and my move is making it even more difficult.

No, it's not okay.

And I'm not okay.

Do you have any idea how ridiculous 'Just be happy' sounds? Do you still want to do this work? Hmm.

Dear T,
I appreciated your saying, "When are you going to stop feeling shame for that mistake? Really, give me a date." Because I think it helps put things in perspective. Five years is both not that long ago and very long ago. Especially considering how life is now. And I guess part of me sort of wondered if you judged me for it, but I don't get the sense you do.

I hope we can still meet next Friday. That your vaccine schedule (if you end up getting it that day) and meeting schedule will allow it. I appreciate your saying you'll let me know your schedule when you find out. Also that you feel my seeing you three times a week makes sense for me right now. It felt like you were choosing your words carefully, probably because you know how sensitive I am about things like abandonment or rejection. But it also seemed like you were being honest, that you weren't just saying what I wanted to hear.

Do I ask if we can keep a somewhat reduced rate into March? Maybe something in between my current rate and usual (somewhat-reduced) rate? Would that be fair? I guess I'll see closer to the time how I'm doing, what's going on with insurance, and how things feel.

Also, you seemed emotional again today. And it was nice seeing you with your glasses off for a decent amount of session. Made it feel more like it was in person.

Love,

LT

I plan on telling you about today. Not the whole Xanax and meds part but I’ll tell you I was having a lot of SH thoughts as a result of moving things this weekend and the carpets being put in today. I want you to help me regarding my move so I know I need to be honest about my feelings and what’s going on.

Everytime I try to look at new therapists where I am moving I get so physically and emotionally exhausted I need stop looking and take a nap

I have a question to ask you on Friday.

You know the thing I didn't want to say, I figured out why. And it's big.

Dear T,
Ugh, H might be against sending D back to school if they end up deciding to open in March. As anxious as I am about it, I feel we need to risk sending her in large part for D's mental health. But also in part for my own. And now I'm worried H is going to say no, and this seems like a "two yes" sort of situation. Yet another ray of hope that might be dashed....

And like I said yesterday, of course I'm worried about the safety of teachers (and other staff) and would like them to all get vaccinated before this starts. Hopefully they'll at least be able to get one dose (which provides some protection) by the time school might start, if our state gets enough vaccine. And I worry about our safety, too.




Love,
LT

I feel really vulnerable and like it's really easy for you to hurt me at the moment. That's why I'm too scared to connect to you. The glimpses I have had indicate you really don't understand what's happening to me.

My fear of humans being replaced by computers is stronger than ever...I could never heal from using self help apps. Thanks though.

I emailed the therapist I saw for one session in third year.

Part of me would love to know what you said when your computer connection froze for a few minutes. Before you froze you were trying to correct yourself when you said you know people as well as clients who struggle with what I was struggling with. Then you said that you do know your clients and then froze. Did you say something while in the next few moments that put your foot in your mouth even further? Why else would you be saying "stop talking T and breath"? I knew you meant people you know in your personal life as well as your professional life and you agreed and we moved on. But, yeah really curiois. I wish I had told you your screen froze.

I’m doing good today. The session yesterday helped. Ok I did count down the days until my birthday but that was the only negative thing I did today.

The last couple of weeks we have pushed some envelopes which have let to some hard realizations and lots of pain. Both are necessary for my healing. Next week I think we need to back off a bit. Just for a session or 2.

Dear T: My eyes feel dark. You're the only person I know who has ever sort of understood what I meant by that. I wish you knew what it feels like so you could really understand but I am glad you have never experienced it. HUGS Kit

Dear T: Hmm. Should I call you? I'm not technically in crisis yet. I'm just not well. Kit

Instead of calling I turned to my emergency med. So much pain, physical and mental. I don't know which one is worse. Calling this morning took a lot of of me. It was your voicemail but I'm not sure how long i can last before I crack again. This shame is way, way too deep.i need a life line.

Dear Info,

I haven’t had a great night—missing the animals, work stress, some other things—and I played the trick where I tell myself “I’m at the limit” and see how I react. Usually I know it’s not true right off.

Tonight I took thirty seconds to know it wasn’t true, and I’m still not sure.

ATAT

Thank you for replying to my email with so much compassion and warmth. I was expecting the usual business-like cold response, so the clear reassurance and care took me by surprise. I cannot tell you how much difference that type of response makes to me. It settled so much of the panic I was feeling after yesterday’s session. I am really beginning to feel like there is a potential for me to really trust to you. I am beginning to feel safer in sessions and find myself wanting to tell you more things. I just wish this feeling didn’t terrify me so much.

Do you remember when you just told me off for having my shoulders in a defensive position? “Put your shoulders down!” You said. At the end of a session, as I was trying to show you the book I was reading.
Do you remember when I was bravely trying to tell you about some auditory hallucinations, and you told me I was lying because people always knew who was talking to them and I was unsure? I have never talked about them since.
Do you remember assuming I had been in the secure children’s unit, just because it had the same name as the nursing home I had worked in? Maybe you mixed me up with your more usual clients.

Even though there have been lots of good things said, for some reason these things still really hurt. I do wonder who you assume me to be.

I have been feeling quite stressed today at work. As my lunch break is winding down and it's almost time to go back on the phones again I'm trying to step outside of the stress and look at it and see if I can hear what it is trying to tell me. I know "it's just a job" but with h not working for the past however many months because of the pandemic, i feel all of the responsibility on my shoulders for everything and I think that's where the stress is from mostly, and only some of it is because we got precious little training to handle these web calls. i understand he doesn't want to be out amidst the public every day to work, him being high risk for covid. and of course i want him to be safe. but it's hard having all of the responsibility on me. well, maybe it's not, he is getting unemployment or whatever it's called again. it's like only half of what he makes working, though so, yeah. I suppose we can talk about this some tomorrow. I don't know.

Please improve your memory.