Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Thank you for your sensitive, validating and compassionate reaction in the session today when I plucked up the courage to talk about my suicidal feelings. I can tell you are trying so hard to build trust with me and ensure that I feel safe. I’ve never had a T that has responded to me with so much kindness like you did today. It can be hard for me to believe you are being genuine as I cannot understand at all why you would ever want to be kind to me, but today really helped me feel less alone. You were completely open to discussing everything relating to my suicidal thoughts with no judgement and no instant panic making you feel the need to contact medical services which terrifies me so much after the previous traumatic experiences I’ve had.
Vulnerability is so hard for me and it felt like such a risk to go in to this stuff with you but you recognised that and I couldn’t have asked for you to have responded any better, so thank you.

I’m hoping you are nice. And can help me with my dysphoria. Basically I can still feel my chest. But when I lift up my shirt I just see the scars. But it’s really been frustrating. I want to go back to my surgeon but then I see that everything is ok. My mom said it’s phantom limb type stuff. But it’s been almost 5 months. How long does that stuff go on?

Dear T,
Well, now I'm thinking about that comment you made about a sort of "reverse success" in my school/career trajectory and feeling depressed about that...not so much because you said it, but because it's true. Maybe you can help me get it moving in the right direction again?

Love,
LT

Not gonna call you. Nope, not gonna do it.

Six days left of your stupid break. You must be missing me terribly.

*I* have hardly thought about *you* at all. I don't care if you have forgotten me; I have forgotten you back.

To old therapist: I miss you a lot today. And the thought that I will never see you again is giving me that gut wrenching feeling I rarely get anymore. I hope once I meet with the new therapist on Monday you will instantly disappear from my thoughts. It has happened a lot with many many different types of people. But man will these next 3 days be tough with my PMS and general anxiety about the major events happening soon that will really change my life.

Dear T,
I hate that I'm so crazy sometimes. That I can seem normal and hold it together much of the time, but then I just lose it and act like a complete lunatic. It's fine if I'm alone, but I hate when it happens in front of my H and/or D. Even if H says it's OK. I mean, you've made a career out of seeing people act crazy, so I imagine it's not a big deal to you, if you see me act that way. (Though you probably wouldn't tolerate it if I were your wife. Or...maybe you would just hold me?)
Love,
LT

Please, please be back next week. I'm desperate to talk with you.

HI T. I keep worrying that you'll have to cancel tomorrow's appt. Probably bc I actually have something I want to talk about, which as we know is rare. So please, don't cancel.

You know I hate you... like a toddler or a teen hates their parent. It doesn't feel good - this doesn't feel good.

I wonder if some of my responses around this kind of stuff is because I wasn't allowed to throw tantrums at the age of 2 and 3, without severe consequences.

Hi R,

I think what we are dealing with at the moment is the line between clarity and consternation. Even though so much time has passed since Chris' death, I recall those events clearly.


With the other experience, there's a sense that I just did not want the information I received. I don't remember being asked whether I wanted these in depth updates, and they haunt me. Surely it's better to get explicit permission from somebody before landing something like that on them?

There's an emotional charge there that I didn't have the chance to deal with. I don't want to go near it, but I don't feel it's right to just leave it be...that doesn't accomplish anything.


Help?

Five days left. I have trouble remembering what you are like. What's wrong with me? I have known you four years, but within two weeks I only have this strange, ephemeral sense of you. It makes me wonder what I actually miss about you if I can't remember you. I remember your rhotic rs. Maybe my longing is as basic as this: I lust after your linguistics.

Grab your hermeneutics and exegesis!

Dear T,
I'm thinking about that thing you said, how the main thing you'd feel, if I reacted that way in front of you, is sadness that I'm struggling so much. And that's really affecting me. Because my first thought is that someone would be annoyed or frustrated by me. Not feel sadness for me. It also makes me wonder what H actually feels when I act that way. But I'm too afraid to ask him.

Love,
LT

ETA: Your comment on how few people are harder on others than I am on myself also hit home. That, after I asked for clarification, it's not just how hard they are on other people, but also how hard they are on themselves. That I'm harder on myself than most of them are to anyone. And you say that having seen many clients who are hard on themselves. Please help me stop that... Though maybe your being gentle and understanding to me, as you've been lately, is part of how I get there. Maybe you're trying to teach me by example how to be to myself.

LT - just browsed your 2nd paragraph - i read something recently, that its not self-esteem that is missing (in upbringing etc) but self-compassion.

Ive been watching "sMothered" on TLC, and holy cow. I need a reality check!

Self-compassion makes a lot of sense. I think it's also about what self-esteem can become tied to--in my case, things like good grades, being a "good girl" (like writing thank-you notes promptly, following the rules, not causing trouble). Where self-compassion should be able to be there no matter what. Not sure I was ever taught that piece.

Haven't seen that show--maybe I should check it out?

You will feel so normal and grounded! Altho a lot of that is just the plastic surgery! But not all!

I keep wanting to comment but there isnt really a place. I will have to find the facebook group for the show. You might think im weird! It is sooooo opposite of my mother, but in a way not? Very psychological, dependent, lotsa STUFF.

Dear T,
I was thinking more about your comment about feeling sadness for me and why I've reacted so strongly to that. My parents should have felt sadness for me when I was struggling. Instead, they seemed annoyed (or indifferent). So I apply that to myself. Instead of having self-compassion. And I expect others, including you, to react that way as well. Your feeling sad for me isn't weird. It's normal. It's the expected* response to someone else being upset. So how do *I* start reacting that way to me?
Love you,
LT


*To use something from my D's school psychologist, the expected vs. unexpected reaction.

To old T:

Today I ate an Aero candy bar and I had a mug of blue fruit Lipton tea because it reminds me of you and February 2020 when I was really struggling and you were telling me everything would be ok.

Am I in the denial stage of grief or the depression stage?

Feeling anxious about my upcoming exam.

Booked two therapy sessions for my younger sister, with the therapist she saw once before in Nov. Her upcoming session will be on the 8th of march.

Oh, dear M....please be back on Monday.

Now where do we go from here?
Will we recover...?

As if I wasn't feeling alone enough. Today I had multiple reminders of long term T. Ugh, I hate this. Why is life so complex right now.

Dear exT in 4 weeksit will be 2 years since our last session. I miss you but now i can i see all the red flags and all the moments of misattunement. We really didnt work well together at all i dont know why i thought we did.