[ScarletPimpernel]

I know some people here have talked to their Ts about sex. Just this week, I opened up to L about one aspect of my sexual relationship with H. I did it through an email. I asked her today in session if that was okay. She said yes, that no topic in therapy is taboo. I now have the urge to just spill my guts about my whole sexual history. The problem is that there are so many trigger words that I don't think I can actually verbalize any of it. So I asked if I could email her about it. She said yes. She said I could also write it out and bring it with me to my next in-person session and she could read it in session -- like I did with the secret. Next in-person session is next Tuesday. She also said we could talk about it on Friday over our video session. The problem is that I don't think I can wait for in-person session. I might chicken out before then, and then who knows when I'll try again. And I don't think I can gently and slowly talk about it on Friday. It feels all or nothing to me.

Has anyone else talked to your T about sex? We're you triggered my the words? If so, how did you do it?

[just2b]

I have not talked about sex with my T but I have a lot of trigger words also,. Although I think I have talked about some sex stuff to her while being extremely dissoicated. As she tried to reference something i had said in an email, and when I looked back my sent history was erased. So she knew it was not me that sent it to her, and now will not bring up stuff that i email her unless I bring it up (or whatever part is talking to her)as to make sure she does not trigger me or other parts

Sorrry if this was not helpful.

[sarahsweets]

Do you think this has to do with sexual trauma or is it your sex life?

[*Beth*]

Sex is part of being a human. I would treat it like any other subject - unless you want to specifically discuss your embarrassment about talking about your sexuality.

[MissUdy]

If you are triggered by your own words, it may be useful to practice grounding techniques before discussing or saying the triggering things. In case of re traumatising yourself. I had this happen with T in the beginning, but now I can talk about anything at all with him.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I have written up and printed my "intimacy" history, and L and I are planning for her to read it next Tuesday. I'm so nervous. The only person who knows my whole history is my H. Of course my exs know some, but they never knew anything about my past before them. I have never disclosed this stuff with a T. But I want to be seen and known as a whole. I want to "shine light on the darkness". I think I'm ready. L says she's ready. She gave me a ton of reassurance today. We also went over which words she could use and which she needs to try to avoid. I told her see can use any word in the abstract form, but not in my specific situation. We also talked about the type of words, how I prefer the technical word over a slang.

Ugh! Part of me thinks I'm crazy for doing this. But I keep trying to remind myself that she's a therapist, she's heard this before, she accepted me even after I told her about my secret and even my feelings toward her, and most adults have experienced "intimacy". It's just so hard.

[LonesomeTonight]

It sounds like you did a good job of figuring out the guidelines with L. I hope your talk goes well. Could you maybe come up with some sort of signal or code word if you need to take a break or feel triggered? Even just like the timeout signal with your hands, or holding up a hand like "stop"?

I've talked about a fair amount of sexual stuff with Dr. T (also with ex-T and ex-MC, but it was always terribly awkward with ex-MC). One of the things was a sort of fetish that I've only told a few people about. But it was like I needed to know that he still accepted me and didn't think I was gross or weird. Is it sort of like that with L, maybe?

With that, I actually ended up sharing what it was and a few details about it over email because I figured it would be difficult to get out in session. I also figured that way, if he did think it was really strange, he could react to it reading the email instead of getting a look of horror or disgust in front of me when I first told him. He did confirm in the email that he didn't think I was "bizarre."

We then went on to have a good discussion about it in session. He listened, asked some questions, and I felt OK about it. He tends to be very matter-of-fact about sexual things (uses the actual words vs. slang, for example), and in this situation, it made it easier to talk about. Actually, in most situations involving sex it does as well.

I hope it goes well with you and L and that you feel better after disclosing everything. From what you've said about her, I imagine she'll be very accepting and supportive.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thank you LT! I'm glad your situation/conversation with Dr. T went well.

I asked L yesterday if we could hold hands while she reads it. So I can feel she still accepts me. (We will hand sanitize, wear masks, and face the same direction to make it safer.) If I look at my history with her and remember our conversation yesterday preparing for it, I think it should go well. I'm just nervous because I've never shared this stuff with others, and there's a lot of things I regret. I also included a bunch of questions at the end: questions about how she feels/reacted, questions about sex, and personal questions for her. I don't want all of them answered Tuesday, but one day...

[susannahsays]

I hope it goes well and you get what you're looking for.

I do talk to my therapist about sex, as problems arising from sexual abuse are the reason I am in therapy. I've also talked to her about current sexual relationships, because they haven't been very healthy, either. She can be kind of judgemental, tbh, not about the sexual abuse but about things I've chosen to do. This doesn't really bother me personally most of the time. Her judgement comes from concern, and I'm not sure how she could express her view that I'm harming myself and "acting out past abuse" without disclosing a judgement. Deep down, I guess I've agreed with her and since I didn't actually enjoy the things I did, her response did not make me feel ashamed.

I don't feel triggered by most of the words that I use to talk about sex. I can think of maybe two that I hate saying and avoid if possible, and one which I refuse to say. It's hard to pinpoint why I have difficulty with the former and the latter is due to shame. I suppose the former could also be shame, but it doesn't feel quite like that. Perhaps it is embarrassment arising from societal programming rather than my own beliefs. The therapist uses words that I find somewhat triggering, but I prefer that she not dance around such words because I think (for me) that I would perceive that as a signal that the topic is indeed something I should feel embarrassed or ashamed about. I inwardly flinch when she says certain words, but it's not beyond my window of tolerance and her doing so reassures me that she is ok talking about this stuff and I am allowed to talk about it.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I did it! I gave L the letter. She read it while holding my hand. She's not mad or disgusted by me. I had questions at the end, and she said they're all good questions. She told me a lot of my past is due to curiosity and lack of education. She says that a lot of what happened wasn't completely my fault and she wants to one day teach me about what consent really is.

I feel disgusted with myself.

Possible trigger:

I feel like taking a shower and scrubbing myself until I bleed.

Even though she gave me a ton of reassurance, I still hate myself.

[ArtleyWilkins]

One turning point for me was reaching a place of empathy for my younger, more vulnerable, less worldly-wise self.

I got there when I was in a group of survivors. I had NO trouble having empathy for their stories, their histories. It dawned on me (rather an aha! moment) that their stories were not so different from my own. Sure the details were different, but we were all younger, vulnerable, less-worldly wise individuals in our past. We were manipulated, both physically and emotionally, by the adults around us at the time. Our responses, actions, experiences were all we knew how to do at the time.

I hope you can find that place of empathy for that younger, more vulnerable, less worldly-wise you.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, Scarlet, I'm glad you were able to share it. That took a lot of courage. And it sounds like L was really understanding and supportive. I can also understand your triggered reaction. Can you reach out to her about how you're feeling? After I told Dr. T about the thing in session, I think I reached out to him that night to make sure he was still OK with it, and he reassured me. I've done that for some other things I've shared/confessed as well. Now sometimes he'll just say at the end of session, "I'm OK with everything you shared, but you can check in later if you need to."

[SlumberKitty]

HUGS Scarlet

[ScarletPimpernel]

Yes. I told L before I left that I felt like harming myself. She told me she'd call me at 6:30pm to check-in and reassure me some more.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Yes. I told L before I left that I felt like harming myself. She told me she'd call me at 6:30pm to check-in and reassure me some more.

OK, good, I'm glad you shared with her and that she'll check in with you.

[ScarletPimpernel]

What I keep trying to tell myself is that if I can love L unconditionally, then why do I think she can't. I think it's hard to believe because I don't think I've ever been unconditional loved.