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#1
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I dreamt last night i was sitting in my childhood bedroom accept I was waiting for T to come in and not mum. I know T has a grandson whom I see some time lying on the floor in her living room as I past in the hallway. I noticed the other day as i waiting on her doorstep that there was a box of sweets on the side too. Made me picture her as this warm loving grandmother that lives comforts around the home for her grandchildren. So the dream I am sititng waiting for T and I look across my bedroom to a cabinet that holds lots of boys clothers. I remebre being jealous in the dream of the clothers that boys get to wear and also that they represent that she has a boy, I guess like I had a brother. So I sit up in bed and wait and wait, and the loneliness of the bedroom begins to effect me,. Eventually its time to get up and leave (though this is my bedroom :-( and as I leave the room T in her pj's also comes in and says I didnt come in because YOU didn't want to connect with me. That sort told the story of my relationship with my adoptive mother and even on waking I was left with the dream hangover and experiencing the non-understanding of how my behaviour kept mum/T away??? I mean mum was the adult she surely could have still made that effort, of course as I wake up more and more this morning I know T doesn't let her end of the connection go even when I put mine down, this is the BIG difference. I feel theres this part of me today that has come forward and wants to finally tell me about her "loneliness", perhaps its safe now that we have someone that will stay connected to us even when we can't quite manage it. It hurts but as long as we are breathing I think pain is part of who we are as humans. Perhaps all my pain doesnt just come from my adoptive mother it was already inside of me too, of course she could have helped a whole lot more, but today I think I want to deal with my pain.
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach |
#2
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i think that is good - mouse... to deal with today and today's pain rather than mum and her inabilities. that takes a lot of courage - even if your side of things does drop. it takes a lot to put up the good fight each day. my session today feels like what you are describing - where i couldn't hold my end up and had to let it drop. i couldn't meet her where she was - but she didn't drop her end because of it. like yours she knows that it is not that i am being against her. this is the first t (of 5) that gets that. yay for No. 5.
hopefully you will draw more insights from your psyche. they sound good to me. kiya
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. ![]() ![]() |
#3
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> So the dream I am sititng waiting for T and I look across my bedroom to a cabinet that holds lots of boys clothers.
So it is like your t/mum was mis attuned to YOUR needs for comfort. Maybe... Nothing was provided for you (the clothes were for her son/grandson), or maybe... What was offered to you was inappropriate for you (because you are a girl and not a boy). > as I leave the room T in her pj's also comes in and says I didnt come in because YOU didn't want to connect with me. So you got blamed for your not feeling connected with her, even though she was mis attuned to what she needed to provide for you such that you would be able to feel connected to her. Maybe... Your adopted mother felt rejected by you. Maybe she didn't understand that she didn't provide things that were appropriate for you to be able to feel connected to her (e.g., girls clothes). Instead she provided things that you were unable to use to feel connected. But maybe... She didn't see this, and didn't know why you guys weren't closer... And people try and blame (must be my fault? must be her fault?) when it was unfortunate that she didn't know what to provide for you... ? What do you think? |
#4
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mouse, that was a thought provoking post for me.
this part especially: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font> experiencing the non-understanding of how my behaviour kept mum/T away??? I mean mum was the adult she surely could have still made that effort </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I have a problem connecting with my youngest daughter--has been difficult if not impossible for years. She is rejecting, hostile, pushes me away. I try to "listen" to what she needs from me, but obviously I am not getting it right. I try so hard and experience constant hostile rejection from her, but still I go back for more. Sometimes I don't want to try because I am just so hurt and have had enough. I know I would not try so hard if the constant rejection and ill treatment were from a friend or an acquaintance or co-worker. But for goshsake, she is my daughter! I mustn't give up. The child therapist working with my kids for the court evaluation tells me I give this daughter too much space, that I should not allow her to push me away as much as I do, that I should get right back in there no matter how much it hurts and no matter how negative the reaction from her will be. It is hard.... Mouse, your post makes me feel even more committed to not giving up on this. I need to keep trying to connect with this daughter! It sounds like somewhere inside, as a child, you wanted to connect, but weren't able to, for whatever reasons. And now you are experiencing that connection with your T. It sounds very healing...
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