[chaotic13]

I think I asked this question before, but it has come up again and I need to be reminded of the reasons. I had a good session back from break. However a comment was made towards the end of the session that I'm currently chewing on. She seems to have a pattern of planting seeds to see if they take-and this one has.

We were talking about some abuse that occurred in the past. She mentioned that she was still in the dark about the specifics of what actually happened. She said that I've made only general statements about it. I said, "well I don't actually have to specifically verbalize everything do I?" I said, "The important thing is that I acknowledge that it happened, that I've thought a lot about it, and realize it may be influencing my relationships now, right?" " She said, 'no you don't have, to verbalize it', but that she thought I would benefit from telling her the details.' I said, "its wasn't all that bad, I know it wasn't my fault, I am no longer in danger or feel vulnerable." She simply repeated that I might benefit from actually saying to her the details of what happened and left it at that.

I'm sure she knows what she is talking about; but I'm just not convinced its necessary. I just don't get why it is going to be beneficial to verbalize explicit details.

If you've been here, I would like to hear about the likely benefits.

[Perna]

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mckell13 said:
She mentioned that she was still in the dark about the specifics of what actually happened. She said that I've made only general statements about it.

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Yes, if you're "sharing" yourself with someone else like you are in therapy, they need to understand too in order to share and they can't understand unless you tell them what happened. You know/see the scene in your mind's eye but they don't have that luxury. They (and you) need to see it, smell it, hear it, feel it along with you.

<font color="red"> Trigger warning </font> I made comments to my T one day, hinting at sex with a previous, male therapist as my example of something else, but I had never shared or wanted to share that with this therapist. My T didn't understand my example because I had not shared the actual, true subject, had not stated it as it was in fact. Consequently she got the whole sense of the comments and conversation "wrong" and I could tell because of the questions she was asking for clarification.

At that moment I realized my mistake and realized I had two choices: I could correct the mistake and clarify, tell her about the sex with the therapist or I could pretend to be lost or confused or talking about something else and cover the whole thing over again. If I pretended, I realized, for me, therapy would be worthless; I would have ruined the relationship between my therapist and myself. I could either tell her and hope the relationship was a true one and she'd "stay" or I could get up and leave and terminate on my end. I told her what the example referred to and there was this enormous, scary pause :-) Then she quietly stated that she didn't think either of us wanted or needed to discuss that in this time and place and we continued, still a therapy team working well together.

[Flowerb]

Sometimes saying the words out loud is a powerful way to clean out a wound. The secret, if it was one, is out. You are in control of the telling and someone else bears witness so you aren't alone with it. Even things we think we've dealt with can use airing out sometimes. There might be lingering feelings or stored anger -- these things come up when words are put to the feelings.

Sometimes we say stuff outloud and we realize that we really have come to terms with it. We are sad, or angry or whatever...but it doesn't overwhelm us for days. We've claimed our own history and we know pretty much why we are the way we are.

Your therapist is there to help you and to perhaps see things that you don't or can't. Telling about abuse might help her see why you do somethings, or react in certain ways. Or she might see some corners that still need cleaning out a bit -- so that the dust bunnies don't multiply and take over later. But do it on your own terms, when you are ready. No one should feel that they have to tell and it shouldn't feel like emotional voyarism.

[ECHOES]

this is such a good post!

thank you, Flowerb

[chaotic13]

Thanks Perna,
I don't think there is a miscommunication between her and I. There was in the beginning, but now... the few things she says seem right on target. I think she has an accurate idea of what I've experienced despite my reluctance to provide intimate details. Which is probably why I'm thinking..she's already filled in key blanks, why do I have to physically speak the words and spelling everything out. I forgot to mention to everyone that my T is a Betazoid, she has ESP! :-)

I understand your comment about sharing. I guess I haven't grown much in the past seven months at all.

[krazibean]

Instead of asking why you HAVE to say all the details, why not ask why you don't WANT to say all the details. It seems as if you are afraid of getting too specific because then maybe you will feel it too much and re-experience the pain. Maybe your trying to avoid it so you can avoid the questions and getting into it. What she doesn't know won't come up, right? I think it might be your way of avoiding dealing with this pain. She is there to help you, and experiencing and talking about the pain is what therapy is all about. No, you have HAVE to say the details, but if you are holding back anything important, its kinda a waste. think about it.

[Perna]

My favorite character, Deanna Troi. I've thought about that though, not sure I could stand that much intimacy!

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krazibean said:
Instead of asking why you HAVE to say all the details, why not ask why you don't WANT to say all the details.

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I AGREE! I also think no one should tell you what you have to or must do. We have reasons why we are protecting ourselves... BUT To me its not important that you do talk. I think its important that you know WHY you dont want to talk. If those reasons ARENT based upon fear then, I don't think there are huge reasons to talk about the details. If they ARE based upon fears, then I think you still need not talk immediately, but instead, talk about your fears about saying more...why do you have them, what are they protecting you from, do you have resources that can help you. Once you talk through these, you will become more comfortable about saying more.

Best

ev

[confused4ever]

Wow, wish I had thought of this when I had to disclose to my T, this thread, what a great one and alot of reasons why we have to do this.

I have two sides to this, I disclosed to my T after about 6 months of seeing him for depression and my mom's death. When I finally came to terms that I needed to disclose all this to someone, we did set up a 3 hour session to disclose, it was one of the most painful sessions I had ever been through, my secret was finally out, I had finally told someone after holding it in for 30 years. It was powerful and scary and I was afraid and I went through almost every emotion there was, but I released it, and after awhile it didn't have the hold on me anymore. I then disclosed to my siblings about 4 months later, with the help of my T. that again was very hard to do.

Now comes my Trauma T, she doesn't want to know the details and she asked me after I disclosed to my T and to my siblings did I relive the events, I told her I did, and she said that is not what is important, what is important is handling the emotions surrounding the events and how it still impacts you today, and that is what we work on. I can disclose to her if I want to, she said that would be ok, some people want to, others do not, she knows why I am there, and she knows the background but not the details. I am fine with leaving it this way.

I do agree with everyone though, you have to let it out, if you don't want to talk about it, there is a reason why your avoiding it. Your T would benefit from knowing, so she can help you better. Just a thought, maybe if it would be to much for one session do it over a few, or write it down for her, writing is a good way to get it out without having to go through their reactions in the moment. Then the two of you can work on it together, what parts need it.

Just a thought.

what a great statement krazibean! Do you know my T?! ARE you my T?! haha

Mckell... try just writing it down, the specifics i mean, just for you. Think hard about how you feel. Then try to talk to T about that... how you felt writing about it. It's kinda a side step you know?

we lie to ourselves in so many ways, and so convincingly too... it makes it very hard to know what we need to deal with and what we don't... when are we ok with something and when is it a clever disguise? T said knowing i lie to myself was an important insight. The only ways i know of to find out right now is to write about it and/or bring it up in T... dump it all out and see what happens.

[chaotic13]

Wow! I really can't sake the feeling in my stomach reading your responses. Nor can I describe it with words. I really don't know why I'm struggling with this issue so much. My body is telling me something my brain cannot grasp at this point. I have written what I remember down, reflected on it, etc. I've even posted some of it on PC when trying to figure out if it was technically abuse.

I've thought about just putting it in a letter and sending it to her. Just to get it over with and to stop my agitation with this topic. I want to just move on and focus on the present. But I think she was getting at something else by the way she stated her comments. I got the impression its not about her know exactly what happened. Earlier in the conversation we were talking about an issue I had with a childhood friend who is really sick. I've been kind of a jerk to her regarding our past. In this case my T suggested that I seem to communicate better when writing and recommended that I consider writing her a letter.

Later in the session when I challenged her comments regarding what I said and didn't say directly to her, the letter option was not mentioned. If there is anything I've learned in the past 7 months is that my T is very deliberate in the way she words things. There are usually reasons behind the words. I just don't always see it right away.

I think I am just getting way to worked up over some minor stuff that happened a really long time ago. I'm not event convinced this has anything to do with what happened. I may just have to do with me being a freak'n a$$hole. If this is the case then why can't I choose some other topic to "verbalize" about? Sorry now I'm feeling anger- I know what that feels like.

[Perna]

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mckell13 said:
I think I am just getting way to worked up over some minor stuff that happened a really long time ago. I'm not event convinced this has anything to do with what happened. I may just have to do with me being a freak'n a$$hole. If this is the case then why can't I choose some other topic to "verbalize" about? Sorry now I'm feeling anger- I know what that feels like.

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Part of getting it out, saying the details, you see what it is. You face whether another person agrees with you about it and you see if it really is "minor" to you! We don't generally get worked up about minor things; like you say, if it's minor, why can't you choose some other topic to verbalize about? As you know, wishing it were minor, doesn't make it minor :-)

Good luck with this McKell, I know you'll do the best thing for you at the best time!

McKell,
I really had difficulty stating the specifics because whenever I used the specific words, I could feel the pain. If I just told my T in general, I couldn't. So, I guess it is important to feel the pain and release it. It's a very difficult thing to do, though.