What is reparenting in therapy?

What is reparenting? L says that's what we are doing. Is it because we are working on parts? Is it because I have maternal transference with her? Is it normal/okay?

I'm so used to skills therapy: CBT/DBT. L says we're doing relational therapy. I don't mind it. So far the results are good. I want to get to a place where I have a secure attachment to her. To me, it's just so different than what I'm used to. Other Ts (even T), after a certain amount of time, were ready to push me out the door "fly my wings". I never felt ready. L is more about long-term therapy, and while it feels good, I'm wondering if it's okay. Is it bad to do this type of therapy? Has anyone done this type of therapy and found success? I guess I worry because it feels good even though it can be painful as hell going through my past "ghost" and templates.

Don't worry, long term therapy has been proven to be much more successful and long lasting than short term therapy. Yes it is painful, I think this is normal....like we have to break open ourselves over and over.

Reparenting is when the therapist displays some vital qualities of a 'parent' ( caring unconditionally, listening to you, being curious about you, mirroring you, to be a secure attachment) until you learn to do it yourself.

There is nothing wrong with this type of therapy, but wanting more and more from your T can be a painful experience when you don't get it. Working on the secure attachment is definitely a good idea.

I don’t believe in reparenting. I mean I believe we can undo maybe some of the damage done when we were children by learning healthier ways to live (with therapy or other methods or by yourself) and I believe we can learn things that weren’t taught to us when we were children (like there are things I do in my household that are completely opposite of how I grew up-I taught myself). But I don’t believe therapist could re parent us, neither would I want to.

Having said that, there is nothing wrong with long term therapy if it’s serves purpose in your life or simply makes your life better in any way. If your therapy works, then there is no need to stop.

Your t sounds like she is great and very capable and you two get along so i see no reason in stopping

Reparenting is definitely a real thing, whether someone believes in it or not.

Some people don't need reparenting, so I wouldn't expect them to understand what it is or want it to happen...because they don't need it. Some people are very resistant to the idea because of trust issues etc. It definitely works for me and is real.

I’m curious how reparenting is done. I hope it is helpful for you, SP.

I never said it’s not real or that it doesn’t work. I just don’t believe in re parenting especially by a therapist. Just my opinion. I also never said anything about what I personally need. Me and my bro had f...d childhood plenty. My personal opinion in no way negates your needs or your personal journey whatsoever. I don’t even know you! Sorry if me not believing in something upsets you. My opinion isn’t that important

Scarlet I hope your t continues working with you on whatever you two working on. So far she seems like an excellent therapist! I think you could ask her how she sees re parenting. She might have a good explanation, she sounds very thorough

For me, it seems to be unconditional love, attentiveness, listening to me, validating me, being there for me as soon as she can. She explained that there's stages. Like one stage is where the child is playing on the playground away from mom. She gets scared, runs back to mom for a hug, then returns to playing. Another is like when you're a teenager. You are ready to explore the world, but you still need mom there. You don't need her like you did on the playground, but you need her to be there still for support.

That's all I understand so far.

She is very thorough and transparent. I think she's my best T thus far, tbh. I just get scared because it's so different than I'm used to. And I'm more vulnerable with her than I've ever been with anyone. After ex-T, I want to protect my heart, and yet with this style of therapy, I'm giving her my all. I want to have a secure attachment with her. I want to be that teenager exploring the world. I want freedom from my past and fears. And this is helping. I'm already setting better boundaries with my family. My object constancy with L is getting better. I'm able to communicate better, more openly, and more direct. And I do trust L as much as I can. I just want to make sure it's all ethical and not just me following her off a cliff.

I just want to say I don't post much about my therapy now but my T and I still do Schema Therapy where the core is "limited reparenting" and I've formed a secure attachment to her.

With her help, I found good and safe offline friends and made huge changes in my life. I like L's analogy....I'd say I'm a teenager now and need my T less but we're still doing a lot of deep work.

You can PM me if you like?

I am having trouble understanding how reparenting is different from the general approach of any of the relational or humanistic therapies. For example, the core conditions of person centred therapy (congruence, empathy and unconditional positive regard) seem to be key aspects of what people are describing here as "reparenting." Much of my work is around my inability to trust and to accept comfort; to accept that I have needs; and to allow myself to be vulnerable. Key elements which I should have been taught in childhood, but wasn't. I expect these are very common areas of work for clients - many clients are in therapy because of unmet childhood needs or residual conflicts/tensions from childhood. Are most of us being reparented? It seems unlikely to me. It seems far more likely that the basic aspects of relational therapy are being labelled as "reparenting".

From The Schema Therapy Society:

Just as the process of parenting takes widely different forms, limited reparenting may involve warmth and nurturance, firmness, self-disclosure, confrontation, playfulness, and setting limits amongst other things. It takes the form of simultaneous tenderness and firmness through what is called “empathic confrontation”. It will also vary depending upon the phase of treatment. For this reason, schema therapy cannot be typified by a particular stance such as neutrality, firmness or nurturance. It is best typified by the broad range of responses and inclinations on the part of the therapist it incorporates, its flexibility, and the organization of these responses around the core needs of the patient.

Isn't this a description of therapy in general (excluding cognitive and short term therapies)? Are there specific elements of reparenting which I am missing and which set it apart as a distinct approach?

Reparenting can be ethical, but it can be unethical too. Depends on who is doing it. Just like parenting, or any other relationship. I felt i was raised by Bonnie and Clyde, so any reparenting could only be a positive experience.

My last t, that i wrote about on here, was mostly a reparenting experience, and it continues now, even though ive stopped seeing him. yeah i got a lot of grief about hugs and stuff, from other posters and from friends. But i have changed how i act on pc. And in person.

Okay, so I've read a bunch of clinical books to answer that question which I also had.

How do I summarise....the books talk about the therapist being a great deal mote flexible and loosely boundaries than conventional therapy.

Some books even suggest the T giving out their personal number, giving gifts, initiating contact.

In my asian culture it's very very very very very different from regular therapy.

But seems also like western relational therapy, I believe. So I'm not saying Schema Therapy is especially special for everyone but is for me.

I hope my edits clarify

I can understand that reparenting and its associated nurturing or loving approach might differ from conventional psychoanalysis or psychoanalytic therapies where therapists adopt a blank slate. I can also understand that there might be cultural factors at play in therapy which set reparenting apart from other therapies in some countries. Maybe I will ask my therapist what sets apart Gestalt (her approach), or other relational depth work, from reparenting. I am in the UK where discussions around the importance of the therapeutic relationship are ubiquitous - you would think that every other therapist is an incarnation of wholesome loving mother earth. The idea of reparenting is quite distasteful to me (it was bad enough the first time around) so my resistance probably tells me quite a lot about my internal experiences.

You are fab, una Seriously, you often make me grin.

I always had my former t’s personal number, my husband has his t’s personal number. My t brought me gifts from overseas travel and stuff like that. Both of our therapists are opposite of a blank slate therapists. I don’t believe having somewhat looser relationship with therapists is any kind of re parenting though. By this logic any loving relationships are re parenting? Is that how people look at it?

Good questions! I'm interested in any answers too.

L is definitely not blank slate. She, of course, doesn't share her personal issues with unless they apply to my situation, will help me, and/or affects me. Other bits of information, she shares freely. I do not ha e her personal number or anything like that. She is not available 24/7. She doesn't hold me or coddle me. We do mention my younger parts, but we don't actually talk to them (she knows I hate that type of therapy!).

You wrote a swell post. I wish i were as articulate.

I would say your ts were modeling adult relationships, which your parents were unable to do, so in that sense, yeah a bit of reparenting. They held you in that space, where perhaps you hadnt been held before. To have a reasonable expectation of another adult.

Its not that ANY such relationship is reparenting. But when it is a repairing relationship with a t, i think it is reasonable to call it reparenting, if that is what it is repairing. And look at the word repair - what is the etymology of that?

Re + parare, to put in order again.

Reparent would be re + parere, to give birth to again.

Thanks, i knew my lazy butt could rely on you!

I see what you are saying (kinda?) but we are in our mid 50s and by now have idea of adult relationships and what’s reasonable even if my parents weren’t teaching something. By now I think I at least somewhat know what’s reasonable expectation of another adult is. I don’t think my t knows more than me about adult expectations. I’d not be able to keep my job if I didn’t know how adults suppose to act or what is reasonable to expect. No way! I’d be eaten alive!

That's why I am just not fully grasping this whole re parenting idea. Maybe I just understand it literally like t would act like my parent. Mmm no, but thank you no

Maybe when I was young and saw a t and t would do something like that? Maybe? I never saw a t until much later in life, that’s why I am just looking at it from my old self perspective I guess?

I am not trying to be obtuse here. I just asked my husband who had way more therapy than me what he thinks of it. He wasn’t really sure what’s this about. He had abusive asinine father and useless mother, so he kinda parented himself later in life. He finds therapy extremely helpful but he doesn’t believe it has anything to do with re parenting.

Maybe because it’s different kind of therapy that people discuss on here that I am just not familiar with.

I reread your post and see you mention “repairing” something. That kind of makes sense

Divine - yeah cuz i was thinking, re-pairing, as in a parent reflects the childs emotions, its how the child learns to understand himself and life. If they didnt have that pairing in childhood. It left me VERY deficient socially, psychologically, emotionally. I mean i realize i turned out exactly like my mother, but that isnt much consolation. Its more the belated realization that ugh just kills you.

So - people on weightwatchers were saying, whats the word for 2021. Mine is still gonna be, take responsibility. Thats the only way to make up for the past and not create any more crummy future? I guess thats like AA's step 9, make amends. But i feel like most of my amends are still pretty self-centered.

Eta - i started t in my early 20's - i didnt want to TOUCH reparenting. Parents were a dirty word! So for me to even consider it was a big leap.

Where I get stuck on the whole reparenting thing is understanding that human development is quite literally a developmental process that occurs during the whole period of infancy through to adulthood. It's kind of restricted to it's time and place, iykwim? There are no "do-overs". The developmental window has opened and shuttered, been and gone. What wasn't done right in real time was done wrong, and the wrong is done.
I don't see how it is even possible *at all* for one adult to enter another adult's sphere and "re-parent" them. There is no developing child to parent. There is a fully grown - but damaged - adult. You can't "reparent" that.
That said, I do believe in healing through the therapeutic relationship. Therapists can and do cultivate secure attachments with clients, and it may well be the first secure attachment some clients have ever had (self included). Those secure attachments can definitely be healing for those that have never had one.

Maybe I am getting caught up in semantics here... maybe it is the secure attachment that people are labeling as "reparenting"?

There is some neurological/ neuropsychological research that suggests that parenting by loving parents shapes your brain in a particular way, and that warm/ caring/ therapeutic relationships later in life can also have a positive effect and literally change your brain. One of the authors who has written about this is Shore. If this is true, then it would suggest that ‘re- parenting’ by a therapist can be helpful/ possible.