Saw T today, but didn't have therapy

Had a big legal meeting today, so got to see T outside of the office in his role as divorce coach. (We are towards the beginning of a 17 day break in therapy.)

He is definitely not my T when I see him outside of therapy. No doubt about that. He is just a normal guy, a professional serving a function for me in the meeting. He sat next to my H today, and I was on the opposite side of the table at the far end from them. He was just a guy with a role. It's funny, when I first began this dual role stuff, I thought it would be hard to see T outside of his office because I would feel like he was still my T and I would not know how to act, like I wasn't sure I could interact with him "normally" on the outside. But what has happened instead is kind of the opposite. He has become harder to interact with in therapy because his coach role carries over to our session. Sometimes he just seems more like a coach to me than a therapist, even in session. The dual roles are "dueling", and the coach role is winning.

The whole thing is strange.

=( That sounds sad. and another long stretch again so soon after the holidays? =(

It does sound sad. Did you talk to him about how he felt more like a divorce coach than a therapist? I think you did... What did he say?

sunny that sounds like it would indeed be strange.

You're beginning a 17-day break?! Oh gosh, didn' t you just have one at the holidays?

Yes, we have another long break. Today is day 3 of the 17 day break, but I guess it was cheating a little, since I at least got to see him at the meeting. I am having surgery next week and so will be recuperating for a while. I'm not sure how long before I'll feel well enough for driving, work, errands, therapy, etc., but I made my next therapy appointment for what will be 10 days after my surgery. I hope I will be ready!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Did you talk to him about how he felt more like a divorce coach than a therapist?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, we did talk about that, and I'd like to say more on that at our next session. I asked him if he would be my coach again if he had it to do it over, and he said no. I said I too that I would not make that choice again. He said he looks forward to the day when the divorce is all over, and he can go back to being just my therapist. He said we will write it into the legal contract that he is not allowed to be my coach after the divorce. That made me feel very happy and really secure. He said that being my therapist was all he wanted to be to me, and he looked forward to always having that role in my life. And he talked about clients who saw him off and on for years with long breaks in between, coming back when they needed to. It made eventual termination not seem so scary to me, because his door would always be open.

This is a rich topic for us. I have had some insights on the coach/therapist thing since our session, and made a link to a puzzling dream I had quite a while back. I love when the dreams fall into place and become more comprehensible. Sometimes the unconscious amazes me. It just knows all this stuff that I don't!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He said that being my therapist was all he wanted to be to me, and he looked forward to always having that role in my life.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

wow!

.

I hope your surgery goes very well for you and you're feeling better soon after.

That's great sunny that you both talked about it and he would rather be your T...

I don't understand the coach role? What is that?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
almeda24fan said:
I don't understand the coach role? What is that?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It's an official position in the collaborative divorce process. The divorce coach (usually a therapist by training) works for both spouses (in some models, each spouse has their own, but not so much in our city), attends the legal meetings, works with the clients together or individually on communication issues (so you treat each other respectfully in the legal meetings, etc.), the parenting plan, helps interface with the child specialist, and works after the D with the clients on post-D adjustment and any issues that come up with the kids, e.g. desires for change in custody agreement. It is this post-D role that my T has said he will opt out of and go back to being just my T. He was first my individual therapist, then our couples therapist, then our divorce coach, with quite a bit of overlap in time. He has also done one session with my entire family (it was great! my T, the family therapist, in action). As the coach, his role is proscribed by a legal contract that eliminates client confidentiality. So he talks whenever he wants to about me and my issues with other members of the team (lawyers, etc.) for the good of the process. It gets confusing at times, as he is still my therapist, and is sometimes hurtful to me when I find out what he has shared with the others. They have passed new rules and starting this year, it is not allowed for a person's T to become their coach. But that was not the case when we began... T has different rates for coaching and therapy. (He makes more money coaching.) Whenever I see him alone, he charges me the therapy rate, but lately, he charges us the coach rate when my H and I go in together (he didn't in our summer of couples therapy), and of course we get the coach rate for the legal meetings.

Well, that's probably TMI, but if anyone is thinking about getting divorced and wants to consider CD, please feel free to PM me. It has definite advantages over mediation.

Sunrise,
That sounds really confusing. I'm glad you can keep everything straight.

Wow that seems very involved...thanks for explaining this to me.

I am always impressed that my t. can keep facts, names, situations etc. straight all (most) of the time. I'm sure he keeps notes, but it's still always surprising to me because he has to do it with so many people.

I cannot imagine how your t. (and you) can keep everything strainght and organized in your minds. It's something that I would find overwhelming. I'm sure. In the end, I imagine your t. will have a really good sense of who you are and how you operate after seeing you in so many different lights. That seems like it would be very helpful in terms of knowing how to better help you.

tulips