[LostOnTheTrail]

Anything you would like to say to your therapist, big or small... post it here.

[Lemoncake]

Possible trigger:

Three years ago one of the main reasons I also fell out with my old best friend group was when one of them cancelled on me more than once, but threw a birthday party for someone who wasn't really in our friendship group I was also hurt and very jealous. I found out today that they only threw a last min party because his sister had just died and they wanted to do something just for him.

With creepy guy and L - I was glad that I did have them to support me in the gap time, but it never felt the same. L made an effort to say hi to me but I chose to sit in the back row as I didn't want to talk in the morning. It was nice just turning up at R's and sitting on her floor. She's super cute and always made sure I was eating.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,
I thought about apologizing for being so needy yesterday, but opted not to go that route. As I would have just been looking for reassurance. I imagine you were expecting me to go there, too. But I wasn't sure what purpose it would serve. I'm trying to trust that it was OK, and I already acknowledged having broken the texting rule, but you'd seemed OK with it at the time and seemed to understand why I did. So I figured I'd trust that if it really was a problem, you'd have said something. And you didn't.


I felt cared for today and yesterday, and that means a lot. And, fine, I'll start a regular program of exercise, damn it!

Oh, and thanks for saying I'm still relatively young--you know the way to a woman's heart. :-).

Love,
LT

[Quietmind 2]

T... so glad i could share about that little gem of an app after our heavy session. I'm glad you're into reducing food waste and being environmentally friendly too. I like that there's low cost ways for me who doesn't earn much and I hope you snag some delicious, healthy snacks.

[susannahsays]

I'm feeling needy and I want to be intrusive. But I won't.

Also, it bothers me that you didn't recycle your water bottle and that plastic container. I wanted to scold you, but I doubt that would translate to you recycling stuff and I try not to be like that when it's unlikely result in a gain. And you hadn't slept all night and weren't feeling well, so that would have been an asshole move. I really hope this behavior is confined to your office and you do recycle at home, though.

On an unrelated note, I don't think you are aware that the way I sometimes act with you is not something I do with other people. This is partially my fault as my attempts to correct this impression have been very half-hearted. Part of me is more comfortable with you thinking as you do because otherwise, you would start wondering why I just do it with you and that is not a road I want you going down for multiple reasons. Suffice it to say that I am very rarely overtly hostile with people in my real life. I don't subject anybody else to petulance and tantrums. Would it shock you to know how passive I am in most situations? I don't want to have to worry about getting upset and having to contain my temper in a conflict, so I find it best to avoid conflicts whenever possible. That usually means I don't set the boundaries that I would prefer for myself. Interacting with people is too exhausting/draining as it is.

Anyway, hope you are sleeping better.

[ArtieTheSequal]

**** you, t. Just, **** you. Thanks a whole heaping lot for making me feel unaccepted, ugly, and worthless. Brav-****ing-o. I think I may even hate you right now.

And that other thing you said - you're assuming that I'm even coming next week.

[ArtieTheSequal]

ok ok ok. i've calmed down now. i'll show up and we'll talk about it.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Maybe.

8 char

[jrae]

i'm nervous about speaking with you. this is a delicate situation i am starting in/going thru, and i don't want to over-share. so don't get mad at me if i stop mid-sentence or mid-thought! that just means my 'protective-ness' is kicking in.

also, i feel the need to say i'm sorry you are about to watch me go thru this. not totally sure why but i just do......

[Mountaindewed]

I’m sorry if I’m checked out tomorrow and not talking much. I’m obviously going to be very nervous. I’ll try though.

[Lemoncake]

Our last session was really good but rather than make me feel warm and fuzzy it makes me want to run.

[Lemoncake]

Yes. No. Maybe I don't know can you repeat the question.

26 topics left to go through for the first time!

[ArtieTheSequal]

I'm not angry anymore.

[MoxieDoxie]

Last session was so powerful.You were emotionally giving and when you sat down next to me I wanted to melt into my seat I was full of feelings I can not even explain. You created a corrective experience by truly apologizing and explain your side and authentically telling me I was and are not a burden to you and your message was clear that I am worth it.

I felt so liberated and light and no longer felt tortured. That feeling has lasted for 3 days now and I am not held in chains by my feelings for you. I do not care if it was a tactic taught to therapist it felt healing.

[goatee]

Please write me back.

[SlumberKitty]

I'm worried about you. You said you haven't been paid by any insurance company for nine months. You've had to take three jobs, though now you are down to two. Are you okay?

[Elio]

I don't know how I am going to talk to you about any of this. I took a PRN today; during the day. Let's see if that helps calm things down

I wish I was seeing you in person today and you could hold me. Somehow make it right.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,
Well, that kind of sucked.

--LT

ETA: Also, my appointment request was probably a bit passive-aggressive. Sorry about that. I mean, in a way I meant it, about how if other clients have greater needs right now, give something to them first. But in a way I was maybe being a bit snarky. Because of what you said about the email.

[ArtieTheSequal]

I think I realized something big today. WHY I worry like I do. Damn. Seems that just everything goes back to this abandonment wound I'm working with again. EV-RY-THING. I hope you're up for this.

eta: you've said before that you pick up on my psyche sometimes. maybe you've been thinking about this and I picked up on yours? this came to me right out of a clear blue sky today for no reason at all, the thought fully formed, and I wrote it down before I lost it. How odd.

[LonesomeTonight]

Perhaps my scheduling request text is too low of a priority for you to respond to...

[just2b]

I know that this is not your fault. But this is how it felt. Hearing that you can no longer see me until the authorization is done with the new Network that deals with veterans community care really sucks. As soon as you said with the 15 minutes left of session . we need to discuss your authorization. It has not been in place since July and I am afraid we will no longer be able to meet. Once the words came out, I completely shutdown, and was in a very protective mode. As the angry parts started to arise inside as my images were of violence, tearing up my room and breaking a window or even the coffee cup in front of me. but I could not muster the movement to do so. Other parts of me were in this kind of told you so, that she would eventually do this to us. That she is just like all the others. if she doesnt want to see us, hell then why try anymore and suicidal tendencies started coming around. Then it was the erasers trying to just ignore what was said and thinking that if we could just erase it all it would be okay. Then you asked Did you hear what I said, as you watched me just avoid your eye contact and hold back tears, you repeat, did you hear me, I want to make it clear that this is temporary and is just until the authorization is put in place. My mind swirling with a range of thougths and emotions, and you ask me what i would do in your shoes, and I said probably the same, and bursted into tears. While tears rolled down my face, I sat there thinking how I regreted the past 6.5 years together and that i should of know it would end like this. I also have become rather very numb and motionless. Your voice is fading as you are telling me that I am okay and that your still there etc.. but you know what NEVER feels like it should. I often think that Im a just going to always have the emotional reactions of the many parts that make me up. I know its not your fault but I cant stop feeling hurt, and anger at you. I am sure on some level its a coping mechanisim but does not matter. Having you say it and hearing the words no matter why or the 2020 reason for it, its as if I am hearing it as a young child. This has triggered all the feelings of abandonment, hurt, mistrust, pain, and ****ed up relationships that I have had. This past week making that impulsive trip to the mountains was made as a distraction from you, and the trip was made with a drunk part of me, and the next morning the teenage part of me paid for it. Dragged my two kids on a trip to hell. It was not fun. they know it and i did too. You were on vacation and I just could not handle it, and felt that I made this trip in a panic to help deal with you leaving me. Thinking I will leave you too! Getting back, and having had emailed you all about it, and was a little hopefull that maybe you would write something and you havent is a let down. I get it, we are not seeing each other but are you really there for me?? Got the word from the coodinator that this will be for atleast 90 days or more until your creditials are approved or whatever but honestly, I right now in this moment as I write am not willing to continue therapy anymore. the pain and hurt is not from you its not your fault and I keep saying that but my logic and emotions do not line up and I have been so numb and shutdown since last week. I am about to loose my job, I dont seem to care much anymore. I have no interest in anything, my 6th grader is struggling with school online and I am not always able to be a mom and guide him but rather order him and its stressing him out. My 19 year old lost his job to Covid and has been just as depressed as I feel at times. I hate that your my only rock. I hate that I ever met you. I hate that you had ever given me that damn blanket, I hate that I have not been able to see you in person since March and i hate that it hurts so much that I want to leave it like this. Its not your fault I know ...its normal and yet I feel

Possible trigger:

as if you put a knife in my chest and continue to stab it in me.

I am trying to process all this on my own and understand that its just temporay and that it wont last long, but it does not work...I need to dissociate from you and this situation and i cant afford to let my children suffer because I can not be a mom. I am trying and miss you dearly. hoping that the authorization goes through soon ...90 days will be next year....that makes my chest hurt. OH WELL. I Guess I will just get used to it and keep on going as best I can. Please read emails and respond or if not just send a text saying HI. You wont.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,
Thanks for scheduling me tomorrow morning. I was trying to read between the lines of whether you preferred I didn't take that slot but figured I'd just take it. maybe you hoped I wouldn't take it, with the "all I have is..." But oh well, that's on you, if you didn't want me to take it. Just, please be good tomorrow. This is so dumb, but I hope you're drinking coffee. I think the "green goo drink" or whatever it was put you off your game today or something.

Love,
LT

[Mully]

I’m dreading our appt tomorrow. I’ve actually been dreading it all weekend because I don’t have any clue what to say to you. I feel like you have me all wrong, and I’m hurt, but I’m tired of this carousel ride where we continuously go in the same circle over and over again. You can paint it as my issue, and in many ways it is, but I hope you will also acknowledge your part in it. Therapy is so incredibly unequal, especially for those of us with deep interpersonal trauma. It also is a “luxury” that many of us can’t afford, especially long term. And yet, once you are at a certain point in the process, with my kind of issues, you feel like you can’t live without it. It’s vicious, for sure.

[Lemoncake]

Overall happier but in this moment I feel so sad.

Wrong to ask for an earlier session? But i have this feeling that you won't reply to that either. Like anything I've always felt that you changed the rules before telling me.

[Fuzzybear]

Please read my email.