Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Ugh. Not sure I can go as deep as I need to for the next step. IFS seems to require me to reveal more of what goes on on my head, things I do not tell anybody. I need to keep my persona of being somewhat confident and like I have it together. I know you understand I struggle with these things bit we have never had really discussed it. How can I do it over the internet??? WTF.

The more i think about next Thursday, i feel sick to my stomach, at times i cant believe its come to this. Like its happened, my nightmare has come true, and i blame you, but again not your fault. Its all this overwhelming emotion that has me wanting to secretly crawl into a cave, and not be in this world. My kids could come and go....but for the most part, i am isolated in my own place.
I wouldn't be surprised if i lose my job in the next 2 weeks. My son 13 year old, is so stressed he is having digestive issues and insomnia. Thinking of quitting my job to help him. My dad did actually tested positive for covid19. He has had a fever for 11 days. He says he gets a headache but no other symptoms. Nothing new with oldest son. I feel numb most often still. Though my frustrations are seeping through. School put out a survey about school experience so far, i filled it out completely strongly disagreed with everything, and included a paragraph of my son's experiences with online learning. Things like a teacher saying if i have to repeat myself again your losing 10 points?!? My son has a processing disorder u dumb **** !!! I said it without the dumb **** part though. Things like that are getting under my skin and i am letting it rip!! Physical pain isnt helping, some nights ok others i cant stand it. Tonight is okay, cant lay on my back...it hurts!

What you said today really made an impact. Thank you. I don't know how to lose that feeling of standing on ceremony, though.

I woke up with an anxiety attack. Messaged my brother because I was crying and I couldn't calm myself down. I feel guilty because it was 4am but he told me he was up anyway. Then I messaged my friend R asking if i could come over. After class she came to mine to collect me. Then another friend I also recently got back in touch with called her to make sure I was okay because I hadn't replied to her message from two days ago.

I felt loved, but not like I deserve it. Back at mine, she said I could stay if I wanted to but I had food at mine

Get that you're not my mother and I send too many emails, but ignoring me completely when I told you I wasn't feel well seems cruel.

The other T F emailed to say he spoke to his supervisor and it was okay for him to see me, but I don't feel like he's a good fit.

This election stuff is making me so freaking tense.



I just want to talk with you. I want you to change, to be more reassuring to be more comforting. In my Monday class the child analyst running the session was modeling the way she speaks to her patients and it brought tears to my eyes. In the memoir I'm reading, the group therapist held his client, willingly, even suggested it himself, and it made me mad.

Part of me thinks I should find another therapist but I am so freaking attached to you, and my psychiatrist thinks we are doing good work so it's not just me alone being crazy and having ****** attachment-related judgement. And maybe the thing I want is bad for me somehow, or I don't deserve it.

****.

I appreciate your honesty even when it stings.

thanks for explaining what you had meant about the dream stuff. i certainly misunderstood, didn't i? goodness.

Bit of a weird one, wasn't it? An interesting insight into your personal life....maybe video sessions can be more intimate than I gave them credit for. Still don't like them though.

Dear Info,

Flashbacks to being gaslighted by 2ex.

I wish there were a coffee shop open for sitting inside around here so I could just take a book there this evening and block everything out.

ATAT

I hate these stupud masks, I need to see your face

Will you stop being a a jerk now that the election is almost over? At least you admit that you have been harder on me lately, so I’m not imagining things.

So my husband told his T I have SzA. I don't know why but I feel weird about it.

I think you're sexy. I imagine men you must have been with in your life, I imagine you on dates, flirting, and I think they were lucky.

Been on my mind a hell of a lot more recently, i am wondeirng why. I cant sleep. I think of what I will say at session and wonder how it will go. And I think of ending it still And more so lately, I have a thought that this is all fake. That what i have felt since our last session til even this very moment is all fake. The worst of it all is fake. That even the thought that I feel paranoid is fake. My thought is that I am paranoid regarding my kids and yet know its fake. Its not but all fake. Emptiness numb and super fake.
i will even fake session come Nov 12. put on a nice fake mood and tell you all the fake stuff going on. How my son's fake job search is going, how my other son's fake homework is going, how fake my dad's covid pneumonia is, and how damn fake I feel and about our fake therapy.

Dear T,
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy! Is it weird that I want to call or text you and say that? Of course I can't (or shouldn't). I'm sure I could email, but I probably won't. But it feels like we've gone through all this together. And even though you're my therapist and not my friend or partner or relative, it's like I want to celebrate with you.
Love,
LT

ETA: OK, sent a really short email, but I think that's OK. I mean...this is a really important moment.

Finally some good news! I hope you’re happy!!

I'm already looking forward to next week and continuing this discussion.

'Most people' can cry at something, and shake that feeling off. I am almost allergic to strong emotions. Think that is a conversation we really need to have.

I feel bad.

Really bad.

I feel sad.

I'm overwhelmed.

I want my mother.

I want you.

I had it in my head I wouldn't see you again. I told you too much.

"This is not your shame to carry".

At what point am I supposed to stop missing you?

Apparently it was OK because you replied a few hours later.

Please don’t eff this up tomorrow.

I was loved and I didn't know it and I threw it away.

I don't know how to forgive myself.

I'm scared.

I still don't know how to read ECGs properly. Haven't read through all the topics and I can't stop crying.

I’m nervous about meeting with you on Tuesday. That’s never a good sign when I’m nervous about something because I will most likely have trouble speaking. I wish just once I could tell you everything I was really feeling without freezing up. Just spill my guts for 45 minutes straight.

I want to text you so much. Its been such an emotional roller coaster with this, and of course no recent update on where the credentials are in the process, nor with any other service i need from the VA. My days been in hospital with covid pneumonia. He hopefully will be released tomorrow or latest tuesday. I am still feeling the same regarding therapy....more so on the we need together sooner than later.. i miss you so very much. So tempted to send a very long email to recap everything over the past 30 days. Nov 12 i am nervous about seeing you and yet looking forward to it. Strange. Think i am deeply in the mindset right now. So dearly miss you. And yet i dont want to let you know either.