Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I just noticed that it's mid-session time right now, if we would've had one today. No wonder I am thinking about you right now.

I had mixed feelings about old T today. So much has happened since I saw her that I want to share with someone. I’m sure new T will be interested though.

I have to remind myself old T was kinda difficult to deal with. It’s not the video session thing anymore. I did see her twice in person at least. Which she did specifically for me. So I don’t know why I still miss her.

Wow, T. I know I started the ball rolling, but I can't believe we are there. What to do now? How can I continue?

Trying to write today feels like banging my head against a brick wall. Now is the time to get it out, because I'm tired of there only being one place where it gets heard.

Ethically, of course, it's all over the map.

I keep thinking I made a mistake.

New T will want to know why I feel so much better and I can tell her some things but other things are difficult. It took me 10 months to tell my last therapist about them and I ended up telling her through email and even then it was very tough talking about it aloud.

Dear T,
Seriously two nights in a row with a dream involving both you and your wife? I wasn't intending to talk about it with you, but if you both show up again tonight, maybe I should... Or maybe I need to talk about the part where I wanted to talk to you and you were saying "no, it's late," as the elevator doors were shutting and I was standing there forlornly...
Love,
LT

How do I talk to you about stuff that I couldn’t bring up with old T besides in emails? Even after the emails when I wanted to discuss it I’d have to say to her “it’s awkward.” But she always knew what I was talking about. I don’t know how to even begin to approach you about some of the stuff she knew. But it’s a huge part of how I function everyday.

Dear T,
I feel almost...relieved that you won't be returning to in-person sessions for a couple months? I think as much as part of me wants them, a big part of me isn't ready. And to know I won't have to wear a mask (and that you won't wear one either) if I get the vaccine helps quite a bit. Because that's a big part of what was concerning me about it. I'd rather see your whole face. And to not have to worry about crying, like if I need to wipe my nose.

And...I wonder if there was also a part of me that was sort of worried I'd somehow lead to your infecting your family? So I'd feel a little better if your wife was also vaccinated. Even though I admit that a part of me also sort of feels...I'm not sure what the right word is. Weird? Awkward? If she's the one determining whether you can meet me and other clients in person. Yet I understand it at the same time.

I think I also had this fear that you had already started seeing some clients in person but hadn't said anything to me because (a) we're working well online, (b) you know I'm anxious about COVID, and/or (c) my daughter is back in school. So I'm sort of relieved you weren't doing that without telling me (if you were up front with me about it, I'd understand).

Love,
LT

Hi L. I had a bit of (okay a lot of) anxiety last night and could not fall asleep until like 2am, and I had to get up at 4:15. H was actually telling me to call you today and get an appointment sooner than Friday. I think I got through it though, I asked him to just let me talk myself through it and he did. It was about house stuff. I'll make it until Friday.

one year ago this was my last in person session before the video sessions started. I’m not thinking too much of old T today. I called new T’s office to give them some payment info and they were so friendly. It makes me feel relieved that this seems like a good place.

Thank you for texting with me this morning. I am sorry for bothering you, I feel like I should have been able to just sit with all of this until Friday without contacting you. I appreciate that you said "I am here." I guess I just needed to see that. See you Friday.

I got what that I wanted, but I feel so feel bad.

I wanted you to check in on me and you did email on friday, but it's sent me wobbling today.

Almost 6 weeks without you already now and I'm half tempted to message you, but I know that I won't.

I'm just sad and feel like I don't have a right to be upset over the small stuff.

So I’m getting a procedure done on my chest in a month-6 weeks and I’m wondering how you will respond when I tell you tomorrow. I can’t tell if you are the concerned type or if you will just be supportive while not showing too much emotion. I do want your attention but not in the way I wanted old T’s attention.

I feel as though tomorrow's session is going to end up being intense. Help?

I am SO looking forward to Friday! I am continuing to tolerate this level of uncomfortable with your brief assistance yesterday via text. Thank you again for that.

When we have those intense painful appointments that makes me feel full of shame it makes me want to push you away after yet also want to seek out reassure that I am okay and you do not feel same horrible things about me that I feel. You are so caring and compassionate in the appointments but once we log off the computer it all goes away. You encourage me text if I need to but I also know part of how you are practicing self care right now often means you are turning you phone off on the days you do not work. So you will not receive it for a few days. So that is not helpful to me

Dear T,
A couple years ago, I imagine I'd have reacted to that "people I care about" comment very differently. You also wouldn't have realized what you said, how it came out wrong, and corrected it a few seconds later (especially without my saying anything). I'd have emailed you about it, possibly asked for an extra session. You would likely have been confused as to why it bothered me. And that would have maybe led to a rupture. Our relationship has come a long way, and we've both contributed to that, with a lot of work on either side.

I think another reason that your comment didn't bother me so much is that it's obvious that you care about me. Even if you don't say the words. You show it through your actions and also what feels like dedication. It takes a lot more effort to be there for me, to do your best to meet my needs (within your boundaries) than to say a few words.

Love,

LT

PS: This comment does not guarantee that I won't suddenly start thinking about it more tonight and potentially email you...But even if I did, the email would be very different from what I said a couple years ago. Actually, I guess the whole "I care about you" thing is what led to the one time I've called you (breaking your rule) and left a sobbing message on your voicemail. And then you ultimately charged me for the emails/texts that resulted from that. I think you'd have handled it differently now.

Dear T, we have a lot to discuss on Saturday. I feel fragile now though. So maybe go gently. Thanks, Kit

That was a mess.

Ugh, T. I can't stop thinking about what I said to you. I want to take it back.

I wish I could keep feeling close to you.

Well that was short-lived. I'm not handling things at ALL right now. Been awake since 2am feel like I'm about to hyperventilate and I can't talk to h about it because as he told me Tuesday morning, he can't handle it. I don't know what to do with this fear and regret. I feel like I'm losing it. I'm so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I should have fought SO much harder. Now it feels like all is lost. And now I have to wait til tomorrow to see you because I was doubly-stupid in turning down your offer of seeing you today. I'm certainly a world-class idiot, aren't I? Does that come with a plaque or something? I feel like it should come with a plaque.


Why can't I let go of this incessant worry? WHY???? It doesn't fix, change, or solve ANYTHING. Yet I can't let it go. I can't. I hold onto it so tightly like it's saving my ****ing life when instead, what it's actually doing is slowly killing me. And even KNOWING that isn't enough to make me let it go.

After you apologized about the delay in starting the session you asked me how I was feeling.

That is my favorite question to be asked by a therapist. I have no idea why though.

So far except for the age difference you seem similar to old T.

Thank you again for understanding every little thing. I want to send you the lyrics to the Neil Young song, but I don't want to push my music onto you.

Awww, thank you SO much for texting to check on me and say see you tomorrow. That felt so good. And thanks for the air hugs! I appreciate you tons.

(And of course now, 2 days later I feel like I was totally overreacting on Tuesday when I texted. I was so in the grip of... whatever that was...)


And then the dream I had last night - you are SO going to laugh when I tell it.