Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I have your email now but you told me you don’t allow contact besides a brief summary of what I want to talk about. I don’t know. I probably won’t bother at all. I just read 2 journals of mine from 2007 and 2008. I didn’t know I had such strong sensory issues back then. I thought that was just discussed mainly with my old T. But basically sensory has been a huge part. I was reading parts in my journal where I’d be passed out on the cold floor because it felt so good sensory wise. I also read about a time where I put ketchup on everything including chocolate chip pancakes.

Weird the stuff I’ve forgotten. Although I do kind of remember now taking a lot of naps on the floor. But they were vague memories.

I miss you and wish we had another session today.

Dear T,
Unsure whether the grenade will go off or not... I think we discussed some important stuff, but you know that one aspect of what we talked about, the forgiveness, is a really difficult topic for me. I really wish it had been a Monday or Wednesday session instead of Friday. Especially because I'd feel worse if I ended up emailing you tonight/tomorrow vs. a workday.


And this is really stupid and pathetic, but part of me wished you'd actually confirmed in there that of course you care. You said something sort of implying it, and I know I said that I don't need the words, that your actions show it. But damn it, I still want the words sometimes... Part of me wants to say that for you, but maybe if you still refused to say that, I'd feel worse. But like I said, the anxious side of my anxious attachment was triggered by the realization that I sort of accepted your caring without your saying it.


So perhaps you'll get an email about that instead. Or the stuff with my mom. Or something else entirely.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
Please be kind to me in your response. Please don't just assert your boundaries. I'm not asking you for the L-word, FFS. And yes, there is something to accepting someone as who they are, including their boundaries. But I think there is also something to be said for expressing one's wants/needs, right? If you can just maybe suck it up and give me a "Yes, LT, I care about you," that would hold me for a long time. Even, "I care about your well-being, within the confines of the therapeutic relationship and nothing further" but it might not have quite the same effect...
Love,
LT

I have an impulse to email you, but have absolutely no idea to say what I want to say.

Hey L, thanks so much for today, wow that was a pretty amazing session I love how you can just get right into the real 'stuff' of my dreams and help me figure out what they're saying. That was funny how you said my dream maker was being tricky or whatever. Yes, it can be like that! I rather get a kick out of your "russian novels" comment about how long and convoluted my dreams used to be. I mean it's true haha.

I need to know if you ever lose hope in what you do because I'm still there after so long. I hope you don't.

Eh, you probably wouldn't tell me anyway.

Oh, and it's going to be interesting doing an Active with the rainbow dream. I have honestly never contemplated "talking" to a rainbow before. Hmm.

I can't believe I told you that. I've never told another soul. such shame.

I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get a response to that question. I'm trying to be okay with that, and just know we'll talk about it next week.

Dear T,
That made me cry. In a good way. And I appreciate your adding the stuff about my being a good person and your feeling optimistic for my future. And, well, all of it really.

Love,
LT

I still want to email you. I have no idea what I want to say, but there must be something, or I wouldn't feel such a need to communicate with you.

Next week is going to be interesting.

Dear T,
For some reason, your comment of "You are a good person" is particularly affecting me. Maybe because I never really heard that from my parents? I think we need to discuss that Monday. Because that's the point where I tend to start tearing up reading your email. So it means something.

Love,
LT

Hey R,

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

You seem to understand very well about sensory issues. You asked me if you could email old T about my sensory coping skills I am uncomfortable telling you about right now and I said yeah. I’ll have her explain them to you.

I really need to talk with you tomorrow. I don't know what's wrong this week-end, but I need tomorrow's session desperately.

yeah if i could stop obsessively checking my email that would be fabulous. i know 100% that you're not going to respond, and yet i keep picking up my phone every 5 minutes.

Hey T,
If a client emails you over the weekend saying that the last session made them feel angry and hurt and it triggered abandonment and rejection then you know what would help? TO REPLY TO THE EMAIL. You know what would make it worse? To just completely ignore the client and don’t bother replying. So why the hell am I still sat here checking my emails every 5 minutes. Don’t bother pretending that you care anymore, I know you want rid of me.

Dear T,
Good session today. But that one moment when I started crying again around the half hour mark when we were talking about my mom? I'm sure you assumed that was about my mom. But it was actually because I was looking at the couch in your office and suddenly really missing being there. (And even when I go back, I won't be able to sit on the couch for a while because of COVID, because it's too close to your chair--wonder if you'd maybe let me sit at the other end of the couch?).

But we were talking about an important thing, and it felt weird to suddenly be like "I miss your office." I'm guessing this is the case that we've talking about with the pandemic in general, where we're sort of (fingers crossed) nearing the home stretch toward vaccines (and then meeting in person again), so it feels like time is going extra slowly.

Also, I'm glad you didn't back-pedal at all on what you said in the email (and that you mentioned you took time to think about what to say to me in it), that you didn't appear to wince when I mentioned tearing up reading it, and that you were open to discussing why the "you're a good person" affected me like it did. I need to think on that more...along with lots of other things.


Love,
LT

Drove by old T’s office this morning. Not on purpose. Kinda freaked out. It will be a month tomorrow since our last session. I do not understand why it’s not getting easier. It gets better and then it just hits me again. I’ve met with new T twice. I act the same way with her that I acted with old T. She’s basically like old T. I think they both do the same type of therapy. New T said she’s going to do CBT with me and it’s basically the same as what old T did. But why can’t I get over old T? It hurts so ****ing much right now.

You gave your all during our session, which I so much appreciate. It was me who couldn't click in. I felt like I was whining the whole time.

idont'wanttobedependentonyouagainidon'tistillloveyouitsokifiloveyouaslongasi'mnotalldependentagainandi'mgoingtogetthatwayifyoudon'tletuscontinueevery2weeksthepartofmethatwantsweeklycanshutthe****up

Ahhhh I know that wasn't the point of the post but where is that key from. I like it.