Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I see my Pdoc on the 16th. I thought it wasn’t until September. I’m just going to tell him to keep everything the same. I was hoping it would be in September because now I feel like I have to tell him I’m being switched to another therapist because the current one thinks I have an ED and isn’t qualified to work with me. But I’m being switched in September. After the appointment. I don’t want that to cause him to ask questions that could possibly lead to med changes that I don’t want or need. Also I need to tell him I’m getting a medically necessary hysterectomy in October and that will be awkward for personal reasons. He knows my old gynecologist who was an *** to me when I asked her about a hysterectomy.

Plus he always sets off feelings again about transference T when I am feeling stable about her. I’ve been stable about her for awhile.

But I don’t think rescheduling it is a good idea.

Dear T,
I'm sad to be going with Zoom tomorrow instead of in person, but I know it's the right thing to do for multiple reasons. Possibly I could see you in person one day next week if you're still allowing it. And I figured I'd just let you know now in case you were debating whether to work from home instead of the office.
Love,
LT

Dear T, Thank you for seeing me today and for understanding everything. I hope we can meet back in your office when you return from your vacation as it's different meeting outside. I hope you have a great vacation and get some much needed rest. I will miss you and cannot wait til we meet on August 26th.
Love
Cheryl

It was a pleasant surprise when you told me at the end of session today that you will be out next week. I know you mentioned you would be taking a week about a month ago but I had forgotten. This could not have been better news with my work issues next week. Thank you so much and enjoy your time off. I know I will be relieved and not have to feel guilty if I have not managed to practice any skills next week.

Oh, T. I am SO worried about Jack. You are great, as usual. I am sad we most likely be going back to virtual again

Should we call it quits?

I’m wondering if you have the intuition needed to work with the little parts, H brought it up last night…the fact that you’re not a mother yourself…does it mean you just don’t know how to react to me when I’m all small because you don’t have the direct experience? Or is it that you’re disgusted by them/me/us? I’m fairly sure I’m projecting that. I don’t know if I can do this again, I am so destabilised today it’s quite terrifying. I wonder how you feel it went yesterday, after all that time away.

So I guess I should be 'pleased' that I have now found two Ts who might be able to do this work with me. But I don't feel all that pleased. Both have talked about building trust, establishing a relationship. But I already did that with you. That's what I spent all that time, energy and money doing, so that we could do the work, and then you just walk out on that. What options do I have though. I don't really want to shut it all away again, not when I have come so far. I don't really want to ignore the elephant in the room any more. I want to deal with it and I do believe that this needs some external support. And you aren't there, so I guess that means I have to do it with someone else. Maybe, just maybe though, all that work that we did will mean that it won't take as long to trust someone else. It does kind of feel like that, which is surprising me. A lot. Like Little One is just ok with all of this, somehow, and maybe me and Teenage One can learn a thing or two from her!

Well, if i was hesitant about if you’re going back to virtual, it is certain now-at least for the next two weeks. This delta variant is really not messing about.

E-Now i am not sure we’re even going to start next week. Most likely not. Sigh.

I got through yesterday by pretending it wasn't happening which didn't go very well.

Eleven days. One day at a time is still the best policy, but I am struggling with the things I now know that I cannot share with anyone else.

Jeez T… an 8 weeks (if not 9) break?

I have to say, sometimes I waste my time thinking of what a big career you must have and how you can’t even imagine my struggles in a way. How easily you probably handle the bucks I pay you to your teenage kid to hang out with their friends and brand new iPhone or buy expensive shoes and stuff. How easy it must be, in a way. Not life, just… wealth. It does make things easier after all, even tough no one wants to admit it openly.

Well, I’ll take this neverending break as positively as I can (since I haven’t been in a very bad place lately): a good chance to save some money myself 😂

Hey L. I'm doing a lot of thinking/writing about whether I'll cancel this Friday or not. Haven't decided yet. I'll be sure and call you Wednesday before 1pm if I decide to so you'll have 48 hours notice. I haven't forgotten! I know I next to never cancel. And even in the few times I've tried to, I've changed my mind mid-cancel huh! Well, that won't happen this time. If I call, I'll be cancelling. Right now, I'm expecting to call. I have nothing that's wanting to be talked about, I'm feeling very settled in myself. And I think I honestly want to enjoy this not feeling that old, desperate need for you for a little bit. I don't want to stop altogether just yet, as I said the other day I like talking with you, I like being there, the space, drumming, the sand... but... crimeny, coming the other day after only a week felt like it was too soon. that was sure a new feeling, considering I used to wish we could talk several times a week. I think I'm starting to understand what you said a long time ago - "it won't feel like such a big deal anymore". Feeling that was never on my radar before. But it is now. So, assuming you're available to meet on 8/27 then I'll probably cancel this week.

The new thread is here: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII